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20:50
Transcript
0:16
So, I'll start with this: a couple
years ago, an event planner called me
0:20
because I was going
to do a speaking event.
0:22
And she called, and she said,
0:24
"I'm really struggling with how
to write about you on the little flyer."
0:27
And I thought,
"Well, what's the struggle?"
0:30
And she said, "Well, I saw you speak,
0:32
and I'm going to call you
a researcher, I think,
0:34
but I'm afraid if I call you
a researcher, no one will come,
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0:37
because they'll think
you're boring and irrelevant."
0:40
(Laughter)
0:41
And I was like, "Okay."
0:42
And she said, "But the thing
I liked about your talk
0:45
is you're a storyteller.
0:46
So I think what I'll do
is just call you a storyteller."
0:49
And of course, the academic,
insecure part of me
0:52
was like, "You're going
to call me a what?"
0:55
And she said, "I'm going
to call you a storyteller."
0:57
And I was like, "Why not 'magic pixie'?"
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1:00
(Laughter)
1:03
I was like, "Let me think
about this for a second."
1:07
I tried to call deep on my courage.
1:09
And I thought, you know,
I am a storyteller.
1:12
I'm a qualitative researcher.
1:14
I collect stories; that's what I do.
1:16
And maybe stories
are just data with a soul.
1:19
And maybe I'm just a storyteller.
1:21
And so I said, "You know what?
1:23
Why don't you just say
I'm a researcher-storyteller."
1:26
And she went, "Ha ha.
There's no such thing."
1:29
(Laughter)
1:31
So I'm a researcher-storyteller,
and I'm going to talk to you today --
1:35
we're talking about
expanding perception --
1:37
and so I want to talk to you
and tell some stories
1:40
about a piece of my research
that fundamentally expanded my perception
1:45
and really actually changed
the way that I live and love
1:48
and work and parent.
1:50
And this is where my story starts.
1:52
When I was a young researcher,
doctoral student,
1:55
my first year, I had
a research professor who said to us,
1:59
"Here's the thing, if you cannot
measure it, it does not exist."
2:05
And I thought he was just
sweet-talking me.
2:08
I was like, "Really?"
and he was like, "Absolutely."
2:10
And so you have to understand
2:13
that I have a bachelor's
and a master's in social work,
2:15
and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work,
so my entire academic career
2:19
was surrounded by people who kind of
believed in the "life's messy, love it."
2:25
And I'm more of the, "life's messy,
clean it up, organize it
2:30
and put it into a bento box."
2:32
(Laughter)
2:35
And so to think that I had found my way,
to found a career that takes me --
2:40
really, one of the big sayings
in social work is,
2:43
"Lean into the discomfort of the work."
2:46
And I'm like, knock discomfort
upside the head
2:49
and move it over and get all A's.
2:51
That was my mantra.
2:54
So I was very excited about this.
2:56
And so I thought, you know what,
this is the career for me,
2:59
because I am interested
in some messy topics.
3:02
But I want to be able
to make them not messy.
3:05
I want to understand them.
3:06
I want to hack into these things
that I know are important
3:10
and lay the code out for everyone to see.
3:12
So where I started was with connection.
3:15
Because, by the time
you're a social worker for 10 years,
3:19
what you realize is that connection
is why we're here.
3:23
It's what gives purpose
and meaning to our lives.
3:27
This is what it's all about.
3:28
It doesn't matter whether
you talk to people
3:31
who work in social justice,
mental health and abuse and neglect,
3:34
what we know is that connection,
the ability to feel connected, is --
3:39
neurobiologically
that's how we're wired --
3:41
it's why we're here.
3:43
So I thought, you know what,
I'm going to start with connection.
3:47
Well, you know that situation
3:48
where you get an evaluation
from your boss,
3:51
and she tells you 37 things
that you do really awesome,
3:54
and one "opportunity for growth?"
3:56
(Laughter)
3:59
And all you can think about
is that opportunity for growth, right?
4:02
Well, apparently this is the way
my work went as well,
4:05
because, when you ask people about love,
they tell you about heartbreak.
4:10
When you ask people about belonging,
4:13
they'll tell you their most excruciating
experiences of being excluded.
4:17
And when you ask people about connection,
4:19
the stories they told me
were about disconnection.
4:23
So very quickly -- really about six weeks
into this research --
4:26
I ran into this unnamed thing
that absolutely unraveled connection
4:32
in a way that I didn't understand
or had never seen.
4:35
And so I pulled back out of the research
4:37
and thought, I need
to figure out what this is.
4:39
And it turned out to be shame.
4:43
And shame is really easily understood
as the fear of disconnection:
4:47
Is there something about me that,
if other people know it or see it,
4:51
that I won't be worthy of connection?
4:55
The things I can tell you about it:
4:57
It's universal; we all have it.
4:58
The only people who don't experience shame
5:01
have no capacity for human
empathy or connection.
5:03
No one wants to talk about it,
5:04
and the less you talk about it,
the more you have it.
5:09
What underpinned this shame,
this "I'm not good enough," --
5:14
which, we all know that feeling:
5:15
"I'm not blank enough.
I'm not thin enough,
5:17
rich enough, beautiful enough,
smart enough, promoted enough."
5:21
The thing that underpinned this
was excruciating vulnerability.
5:26
This idea of, in order
for connection to happen,
5:30
we have to allow ourselves
to be seen, really seen.
5:36
And you know how I feel
about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability.
5:39
And so I thought, this is my chance
to beat it back with my measuring stick.
5:43
I'm going in, I'm going
to figure this stuff out,
5:46
I'm going to spend a year,
I'm going to totally deconstruct shame,
5:49
I'm going to understand
how vulnerability works,
5:52
and I'm going to outsmart it.
5:54
So I was ready, and I was really excited.
6:00
As you know,
it's not going to turn out well.
6:02
(Laughter)
6:04
You know this.
6:06
So, I could tell you a lot about shame,
6:08
but I'd have to borrow
everyone else's time.
6:10
But here's what I can tell you
that it boils down to --
6:13
and this may be one of the most important
things that I've ever learned
6:16
in the decade of doing this research.
6:20
My one year turned into six years:
6:24
Thousands of stories, hundreds
of long interviews, focus groups.
6:28
At one point, people were
sending me journal pages
6:31
and sending me their stories --
6:33
thousands of pieces of data in six years.
6:37
And I kind of got a handle on it.
6:38
I kind of understood, this is
what shame is, this is how it works.
6:43
I wrote a book, I published a theory,
but something was not okay --
6:49
and what it was is that, if I roughly
took the people I interviewed
6:53
and divided them into people who really
have a sense of worthiness --
7:00
that's what this comes down to,
a sense of worthiness --
7:03
they have a strong sense
of love and belonging --
7:06
and folks who struggle for it,
7:08
and folks who are always wondering
if they're good enough.
7:11
There was only one variable that separated
7:13
the people who have a strong sense
of love and belonging
7:16
and the people who really struggle for it.
7:18
And that was, the people who have
a strong sense of love and belonging
7:22
believe they're worthy
of love and belonging.
7:25
That's it.
7:27
They believe they're worthy.
7:30
And to me, the hard part of the one thing
that keeps us out of connection
7:36
is our fear that we're not
worthy of connection,
7:39
was something that,
personally and professionally,
7:42
I felt like I needed to understand better.
7:44
So what I did is I took
all of the interviews
7:49
where I saw worthiness,
where I saw people living that way,
7:52
and just looked at those.
7:55
What do these people have in common?
7:57
I have a slight office supply addiction,
but that's another talk.
8:02
So I had a manila folder,
and I had a Sharpie,
8:05
and I was like, what am I going
to call this research?
8:08
And the first words that came
to my mind were "whole-hearted."
8:11
These are whole-hearted people,
living from this deep sense of worthiness.
8:15
So I wrote at the top
of the manila folder,
8:18
and I started looking at the data.
8:20
In fact, I did it first in a four-day,
very intensive data analysis,
8:26
where I went back, pulled the interviews,
the stories, pulled the incidents.
8:29
What's the theme? What's the pattern?
8:32
My husband left town with the kids
8:35
because I always go into this
Jackson Pollock crazy thing,
8:38
where I'm just writing
and in my researcher mode.
8:43
And so here's what I found.
8:48
What they had in common
was a sense of courage.
8:51
And I want to separate courage
and bravery for you for a minute.
8:54
Courage, the original
definition of courage,
8:57
when it first came
into the English language --
8:59
it's from the Latin word "cor,"
meaning "heart" --
9:01
and the original definition was to tell
the story of who you are
9:04
with your whole heart.
9:07
And so these folks had, very simply,
the courage to be imperfect.
9:13
They had the compassion to be kind
to themselves first and then to others,
9:18
because, as it turns out,
9:19
we can't practice compassion
with other people
9:22
if we can't treat ourselves kindly.
9:24
And the last was they had connection,
and -- this was the hard part --
9:28
as a result of authenticity,
9:31
they were willing to let go
of who they thought they should be
9:34
in order to be who they were,
which you have to absolutely do that
9:39
for connection.
9:43
The other thing that they had
in common was this:
9:50
They fully embraced vulnerability.
9:55
They believed that what made them
vulnerable made them beautiful.
10:06
They didn't talk about vulnerability
being comfortable,
10:09
nor did they really talk
about it being excruciating --
10:12
as I had heard it earlier
in the shame interviewing.
10:15
They just talked about it being necessary.
10:18
They talked about the willingness
to say, "I love you" first ...
10:24
the willingness to do something
where there are no guarantees ...
10:31
the willingness to breathe
through waiting for the doctor to call
10:35
after your mammogram.
10:38
They're willing to invest
in a relationship
10:41
that may or may not work out.
10:44
They thought this was fundamental.
10:47
I personally thought it was betrayal.
10:50
I could not believe I had pledged
allegiance to research, where our job --
10:55
you know, the definition of research
is to control and predict,
10:59
to study phenomena for the explicit
reason to control and predict.
11:04
And now my mission to control and predict
11:08
had turned up the answer
that the way to live is with vulnerability
11:12
and to stop controlling and predicting.
11:14
This led to a little breakdown --
11:16
(Laughter)
11:21
-- which actually looked more like this.
11:24
(Laughter)
11:26
And it did.
11:28
I call it a breakdown; my therapist
calls it a spiritual awakening.
11:31
(Laughter)
11:32
A spiritual awakening
sounds better than breakdown,
11:35
but I assure you, it was a breakdown.
11:37
And I had to put my data away
and go find a therapist.
11:40
Let me tell you something:
you know who you are
11:42
when you call your friends and say,
"I think I need to see somebody.
11:45
Do you have any recommendations?"
11:47
Because about five
of my friends were like,
11:49
"Wooo, I wouldn't want
to be your therapist."
11:51
(Laughter)
11:54
I was like, "What does that mean?"
11:56
And they're like,
"I'm just saying, you know.
11:59
Don't bring your measuring stick."
12:01
(Laughter)
12:04
I was like, "Okay."
12:06
So I found a therapist.
12:08
My first meeting with her, Diana --
12:12
I brought in my list of the way
the whole-hearted live, and I sat down.
12:16
And she said, "How are you?"
12:18
And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay."
12:21
She said, "What's going on?"
12:23
And this is a therapist
who sees therapists,
12:26
because we have to go to those,
because their B.S. meters are good.
12:31
(Laughter)
12:33
And so I said, "Here's the thing,
I'm struggling."
12:37
And she said, "What's the struggle?"
12:40
And I said, "Well, I have
a vulnerability issue.
12:42
And I know that vulnerability
is the core of shame and fear
12:48
and our struggle for worthiness,
12:49
but it appears that it's also
the birthplace of joy, of creativity,
12:55
of belonging, of love.
12:57
And I think I have a problem,
and I need some help."
13:03
And I said, "But here's the thing:
no family stuff, no childhood shit."
13:08
(Laughter)
13:10
"I just need some strategies."
13:13
(Laughter)
13:17
(Applause)
13:21
Thank you.
13:24
So she goes like this.
13:27
(Laughter)
13:29
And then I said, "It's bad, right?"
13:32
And she said, "It's neither good nor bad."
13:35
(Laughter)
13:37
"It just is what it is."
13:39
And I said, "Oh my God,
this is going to suck."
13:42
(Laughter)
13:45
And it did, and it didn't.
13:47
And it took about a year.
13:49
And you know how there are people
13:51
that, when they realize that vulnerability
and tenderness are important,
13:56
that they surrender and walk into it.
13:59
A: that's not me,
14:01
and B: I don't even hang out
with people like that.
14:03
(Laughter)
14:06
For me, it was a yearlong street fight.
14:09
It was a slugfest.
14:11
Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back.
14:13
I lost the fight,
14:16
but probably won my life back.
14:18
And so then I went back into the research
14:20
and spent the next couple of years
14:22
really trying to understand
what they, the whole-hearted,
14:25
what choices they were making,
and what we are doing with vulnerability.
14:31
Why do we struggle with it so much?
14:33
Am I alone in struggling
with vulnerability?
14:37
No.
14:38
So this is what I learned.
14:41
We numb vulnerability --
14:44
when we're waiting for the call.
14:46
It was funny, I sent something out
on Twitter and on Facebook
14:49
that says, "How would you
define vulnerability?
14:51
What makes you feel vulnerable?"
14:53
And within an hour and a half,
I had 150 responses.
14:55
Because I wanted to know what's out there.
15:01
Having to ask my husband for help
because I'm sick, and we're newly married;
15:06
initiating sex with my husband;
15:08
initiating sex with my wife;
15:11
being turned down; asking someone out;
15:14
waiting for the doctor to call back;
15:16
getting laid off; laying off people.
15:18
This is the world we live in.
15:20
We live in a vulnerable world.
15:23
And one of the ways we deal
with it is we numb vulnerability.
15:27
And I think there's evidence --
15:29
and it's not the only reason
this evidence exists,
15:31
but I think it's a huge cause --
15:33
We are the most in-debt ...
15:38
obese ...
15:40
addicted and medicated
adult cohort in U.S. history.
15:48
The problem is -- and I learned this
from the research --
15:51
that you cannot selectively numb emotion.
15:55
You can't say, here's the bad stuff.
15:58
Here's vulnerability,
here's grief, here's shame,
16:00
here's fear, here's disappointment.
16:02
I don't want to feel these.
16:04
I'm going to have a couple of beers
and a banana nut muffin.
16:07
(Laughter)
16:10
I don't want to feel these.
16:11
And I know that's knowing laughter.
16:13
I hack into your lives for a living.
16:16
God.
16:18
(Laughter)
16:20
You can't numb those hard feelings
16:23
without numbing
the other affects, our emotions.
16:26
You cannot selectively numb.
16:27
So when we numb those,
16:30
we numb joy,
16:33
we numb gratitude,
16:34
we numb happiness.
16:37
And then, we are miserable,
16:40
and we are looking
for purpose and meaning,
16:42
and then we feel vulnerable,
16:43
so then we have a couple of beers
and a banana nut muffin.
16:46
And it becomes this dangerous cycle.
16:51
One of the things that I think
we need to think about
16:54
is why and how we numb.
16:56
And it doesn't just have to be addiction.
17:00
The other thing we do is we make
everything that's uncertain certain.
17:05
Religion has gone from a belief
in faith and mystery to certainty.
17:10
"I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up."
17:14
That's it.
17:16
Just certain.
17:18
The more afraid we are,
the more vulnerable we are,
17:20
the more afraid we are.
17:22
This is what politics looks like today.
17:24
There's no discourse anymore.
17:25
There's no conversation.
17:27
There's just blame.
17:29
You know how blame
is described in the research?
17:32
A way to discharge pain and discomfort.
17:37
We perfect.
17:38
If there's anyone who wants their life
to look like this, it would be me,
17:42
but it doesn't work.
17:43
Because what we do is we take fat
from our butts and put it in our cheeks.
17:47
(Laughter)
17:50
Which just, I hope in 100 years,
people will look back and go, "Wow."
17:54
(Laughter)
17:56
And we perfect,
most dangerously, our children.
18:00
Let me tell you what we think
about children.
18:02
They're hardwired for struggle
when they get here.
18:05
And when you hold those perfect
little babies in your hand,
18:08
our job is not to say,
"Look at her, she's perfect.
18:11
My job is just to keep her perfect --
18:13
make sure she makes the tennis team
by fifth grade and Yale by seventh."
18:16
That's not our job.
18:17
Our job is to look and say,
18:19
"You know what? You're imperfect,
and you're wired for struggle,
18:22
but you are worthy of love and belonging."
18:25
That's our job.
18:27
Show me a generation
of kids raised like that,
18:29
and we'll end the problems,
I think, that we see today.
18:31
We pretend that what we do
doesn't have an effect on people.
18:38
We do that in our personal lives.
18:40
We do that corporate --
18:41
whether it's a bailout, an oil spill ...
18:45
a recall.
18:46
We pretend like what we're doing
18:48
doesn't have a huge impact
on other people.
18:51
I would say to companies,
this is not our first rodeo, people.
18:55
We just need you to be authentic
and real and say ...
18:59
"We're sorry. We'll fix it."
19:05
But there's another way,
and I'll leave you with this.
19:08
This is what I have found:
19:09
To let ourselves be seen,
deeply seen, vulnerably seen ...
19:16
to love with our whole hearts,
even though there's no guarantee --
19:21
and that's really hard,
19:22
and I can tell you as a parent,
that's excruciatingly difficult --
19:28
to practice gratitude and joy
in those moments of terror,
19:32
when we're wondering,
"Can I love you this much?
19:35
Can I believe in this this passionately?
19:37
Can I be this fierce about this?"
19:39
just to be able to stop and, instead of
catastrophizing what might happen,
19:42
to say, "I'm just so grateful,
19:44
because to feel this vulnerable
means I'm alive."
19:48
And the last, which I think
is probably the most important,
19:52
is to believe that we're enough.
19:54
Because when we work from a place,
I believe, that says, "I'm enough" ...
20:00
then we stop screaming
and start listening,
20:04
we're kinder and gentler
to the people around us,
20:07
and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.
20:10
That's all I have. Thank you.
20:11
(Applause)
— end of transcript —
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