WEBVTT 00:00:16.859 --> 00:00:20.320 So, I'll start with this: a couple years ago, an event planner called me 00:00:20.344 --> 00:00:22.393 because I was going to do a speaking event. 00:00:22.417 --> 00:00:24.108 And she called, and she said, 00:00:24.132 --> 00:00:27.704 "I'm really struggling with how to write about you on the little flyer." 00:00:27.728 --> 00:00:29.776 And I thought, "Well, what's the struggle?" 00:00:30.487 --> 00:00:32.391 And she said, "Well, I saw you speak, 00:00:32.415 --> 00:00:34.900 and I'm going to call you a researcher, I think, 00:00:34.924 --> 00:00:37.812 but I'm afraid if I call you a researcher, no one will come, 00:00:37.837 --> 00:00:40.296 because they'll think you're boring and irrelevant." 00:00:40.320 --> 00:00:41.320 (Laughter) 00:00:41.344 --> 00:00:42.920 And I was like, "Okay." 00:00:42.945 --> 00:00:45.423 And she said, "But the thing I liked about your talk 00:00:45.447 --> 00:00:46.663 is you're a storyteller. 00:00:46.686 --> 00:00:49.400 So I think what I'll do is just call you a storyteller." 00:00:49.990 --> 00:00:52.966 And of course, the academic, insecure part of me 00:00:52.990 --> 00:00:55.300 was like, "You're going to call me a what?" 00:00:55.323 --> 00:00:57.871 And she said, "I'm going to call you a storyteller." 00:00:57.896 --> 00:01:00.745 And I was like, "Why not 'magic pixie'?" 00:01:00.768 --> 00:01:03.247 (Laughter) 00:01:03.648 --> 00:01:06.926 I was like, "Let me think about this for a second." 00:01:07.290 --> 00:01:09.829 I tried to call deep on my courage. 00:01:09.853 --> 00:01:12.965 And I thought, you know, I am a storyteller. 00:01:12.989 --> 00:01:14.393 I'm a qualitative researcher. 00:01:14.418 --> 00:01:16.139 I collect stories; that's what I do. 00:01:16.656 --> 00:01:19.561 And maybe stories are just data with a soul. 00:01:19.584 --> 00:01:21.965 And maybe I'm just a storyteller. 00:01:21.989 --> 00:01:23.649 And so I said, "You know what? 00:01:23.673 --> 00:01:26.314 Why don't you just say I'm a researcher-storyteller." 00:01:26.337 --> 00:01:29.965 And she went, "Ha ha. There's no such thing." 00:01:29.989 --> 00:01:31.673 (Laughter) 00:01:31.697 --> 00:01:35.674 So I'm a researcher-storyteller, and I'm going to talk to you today -- 00:01:35.697 --> 00:01:37.746 we're talking about expanding perception -- 00:01:37.771 --> 00:01:40.153 and so I want to talk to you and tell some stories 00:01:40.177 --> 00:01:45.336 about a piece of my research that fundamentally expanded my perception 00:01:45.359 --> 00:01:48.248 and really actually changed the way that I live and love 00:01:48.272 --> 00:01:49.447 and work and parent. 00:01:50.093 --> 00:01:52.225 And this is where my story starts. 00:01:52.989 --> 00:01:55.673 When I was a young researcher, doctoral student, 00:01:55.697 --> 00:01:59.674 my first year, I had a research professor who said to us, 00:01:59.697 --> 00:02:03.643 "Here's the thing, if you cannot measure it, it does not exist." 00:02:05.373 --> 00:02:07.965 And I thought he was just sweet-talking me. 00:02:08.338 --> 00:02:10.776 I was like, "Really?" and he was like, "Absolutely." 00:02:10.800 --> 00:02:13.052 And so you have to understand 00:02:13.076 --> 00:02:15.657 that I have a bachelor's and a master's in social work, 00:02:15.681 --> 00:02:19.055 and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work, so my entire academic career 00:02:19.079 --> 00:02:24.695 was surrounded by people who kind of believed in the "life's messy, love it." 00:02:25.473 --> 00:02:30.901 And I'm more of the, "life's messy, clean it up, organize it 00:02:30.925 --> 00:02:32.702 and put it into a bento box." 00:02:32.727 --> 00:02:34.703 (Laughter) 00:02:35.020 --> 00:02:40.331 And so to think that I had found my way, to found a career that takes me -- 00:02:40.354 --> 00:02:43.687 really, one of the big sayings in social work is, 00:02:43.711 --> 00:02:45.806 "Lean into the discomfort of the work." 00:02:46.537 --> 00:02:49.069 And I'm like, knock discomfort upside the head 00:02:49.092 --> 00:02:51.370 and move it over and get all A's. 00:02:51.395 --> 00:02:53.307 That was my mantra. 00:02:54.990 --> 00:02:56.966 So I was very excited about this. 00:02:56.990 --> 00:02:59.966 And so I thought, you know what, this is the career for me, 00:02:59.990 --> 00:03:02.966 because I am interested in some messy topics. 00:03:02.990 --> 00:03:05.361 But I want to be able to make them not messy. 00:03:05.384 --> 00:03:06.706 I want to understand them. 00:03:06.730 --> 00:03:10.307 I want to hack into these things that I know are important 00:03:10.331 --> 00:03:12.307 and lay the code out for everyone to see. 00:03:12.990 --> 00:03:15.649 So where I started was with connection. 00:03:15.673 --> 00:03:19.085 Because, by the time you're a social worker for 10 years, 00:03:19.109 --> 00:03:23.816 what you realize is that connection is why we're here. 00:03:23.840 --> 00:03:26.219 It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. 00:03:27.075 --> 00:03:28.861 This is what it's all about. 00:03:28.885 --> 00:03:30.983 It doesn't matter whether you talk to people 00:03:31.007 --> 00:03:34.099 who work in social justice, mental health and abuse and neglect, 00:03:34.122 --> 00:03:39.463 what we know is that connection, the ability to feel connected, is -- 00:03:39.948 --> 00:03:41.966 neurobiologically that's how we're wired -- 00:03:41.990 --> 00:03:43.368 it's why we're here. 00:03:43.393 --> 00:03:46.406 So I thought, you know what, I'm going to start with connection. 00:03:47.067 --> 00:03:48.963 Well, you know that situation 00:03:48.987 --> 00:03:51.496 where you get an evaluation from your boss, 00:03:51.520 --> 00:03:54.306 and she tells you 37 things that you do really awesome, 00:03:54.330 --> 00:03:56.704 and one "opportunity for growth?" 00:03:56.728 --> 00:03:58.537 (Laughter) 00:03:59.195 --> 00:04:02.663 And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right? 00:04:02.687 --> 00:04:05.385 Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well, 00:04:05.409 --> 00:04:10.387 because, when you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak. 00:04:10.411 --> 00:04:13.044 When you ask people about belonging, 00:04:13.068 --> 00:04:17.021 they'll tell you their most excruciating experiences of being excluded. 00:04:17.045 --> 00:04:19.545 And when you ask people about connection, 00:04:19.569 --> 00:04:22.108 the stories they told me were about disconnection. 00:04:23.117 --> 00:04:26.142 So very quickly -- really about six weeks into this research -- 00:04:26.166 --> 00:04:32.188 I ran into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection 00:04:32.213 --> 00:04:34.673 in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen. 00:04:35.108 --> 00:04:37.085 And so I pulled back out of the research 00:04:37.110 --> 00:04:39.340 and thought, I need to figure out what this is. 00:04:39.363 --> 00:04:41.542 And it turned out to be shame. 00:04:43.211 --> 00:04:46.490 And shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection: 00:04:47.213 --> 00:04:51.769 Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, 00:04:51.793 --> 00:04:54.959 that I won't be worthy of connection? 00:04:55.593 --> 00:04:57.275 The things I can tell you about it: 00:04:57.298 --> 00:04:58.965 It's universal; we all have it. 00:04:58.990 --> 00:05:00.990 The only people who don't experience shame 00:05:01.014 --> 00:05:03.348 have no capacity for human empathy or connection. 00:05:03.372 --> 00:05:04.966 No one wants to talk about it, 00:05:04.990 --> 00:05:07.561 and the less you talk about it, the more you have it. 00:05:09.004 --> 00:05:14.170 What underpinned this shame, this "I'm not good enough," -- 00:05:14.194 --> 00:05:15.798 which, we all know that feeling: 00:05:15.822 --> 00:05:17.871 "I'm not blank enough. I'm not thin enough, 00:05:17.896 --> 00:05:21.150 rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough." 00:05:21.173 --> 00:05:26.149 The thing that underpinned this was excruciating vulnerability. 00:05:26.862 --> 00:05:30.966 This idea of, in order for connection to happen, 00:05:30.990 --> 00:05:34.735 we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen. 00:05:36.060 --> 00:05:39.258 And you know how I feel about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability. 00:05:39.283 --> 00:05:43.781 And so I thought, this is my chance to beat it back with my measuring stick. 00:05:43.805 --> 00:05:46.495 I'm going in, I'm going to figure this stuff out, 00:05:46.519 --> 00:05:49.829 I'm going to spend a year, I'm going to totally deconstruct shame, 00:05:49.853 --> 00:05:52.132 I'm going to understand how vulnerability works, 00:05:52.156 --> 00:05:53.591 and I'm going to outsmart it. 00:05:54.639 --> 00:05:56.909 So I was ready, and I was really excited. 00:06:00.238 --> 00:06:02.381 As you know, it's not going to turn out well. 00:06:02.406 --> 00:06:04.918 (Laughter) 00:06:04.942 --> 00:06:06.536 You know this. 00:06:06.560 --> 00:06:08.449 So, I could tell you a lot about shame, 00:06:08.473 --> 00:06:10.570 but I'd have to borrow everyone else's time. 00:06:10.595 --> 00:06:13.452 But here's what I can tell you that it boils down to -- 00:06:13.475 --> 00:06:16.858 and this may be one of the most important things that I've ever learned 00:06:16.882 --> 00:06:18.745 in the decade of doing this research. 00:06:20.067 --> 00:06:24.259 My one year turned into six years: 00:06:24.283 --> 00:06:28.966 Thousands of stories, hundreds of long interviews, focus groups. 00:06:28.990 --> 00:06:31.370 At one point, people were sending me journal pages 00:06:31.394 --> 00:06:33.231 and sending me their stories -- 00:06:33.255 --> 00:06:37.247 thousands of pieces of data in six years. 00:06:37.271 --> 00:06:38.966 And I kind of got a handle on it. 00:06:38.990 --> 00:06:42.088 I kind of understood, this is what shame is, this is how it works. 00:06:43.451 --> 00:06:49.699 I wrote a book, I published a theory, but something was not okay -- 00:06:49.723 --> 00:06:53.879 and what it was is that, if I roughly took the people I interviewed 00:06:53.903 --> 00:07:00.475 and divided them into people who really have a sense of worthiness -- 00:07:00.499 --> 00:07:03.261 that's what this comes down to, a sense of worthiness -- 00:07:03.285 --> 00:07:06.507 they have a strong sense of love and belonging -- 00:07:06.531 --> 00:07:08.182 and folks who struggle for it, 00:07:08.206 --> 00:07:11.306 and folks who are always wondering if they're good enough. 00:07:11.329 --> 00:07:13.568 There was only one variable that separated 00:07:13.593 --> 00:07:16.333 the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging 00:07:16.357 --> 00:07:18.616 and the people who really struggle for it. 00:07:18.639 --> 00:07:22.358 And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging 00:07:22.382 --> 00:07:24.786 believe they're worthy of love and belonging. 00:07:25.704 --> 00:07:26.853 That's it. 00:07:27.504 --> 00:07:28.992 They believe they're worthy. 00:07:30.735 --> 00:07:36.553 And to me, the hard part of the one thing that keeps us out of connection 00:07:36.577 --> 00:07:39.792 is our fear that we're not worthy of connection, 00:07:39.817 --> 00:07:42.220 was something that, personally and professionally, 00:07:42.244 --> 00:07:44.466 I felt like I needed to understand better. 00:07:44.807 --> 00:07:49.783 So what I did is I took all of the interviews 00:07:49.807 --> 00:07:52.625 where I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way, 00:07:52.649 --> 00:07:54.537 and just looked at those. 00:07:55.314 --> 00:07:57.362 What do these people have in common? 00:07:57.386 --> 00:08:02.028 I have a slight office supply addiction, but that's another talk. 00:08:02.052 --> 00:08:05.529 So I had a manila folder, and I had a Sharpie, 00:08:05.553 --> 00:08:08.173 and I was like, what am I going to call this research? 00:08:08.197 --> 00:08:11.187 And the first words that came to my mind were "whole-hearted." 00:08:11.807 --> 00:08:15.323 These are whole-hearted people, living from this deep sense of worthiness. 00:08:15.346 --> 00:08:18.202 So I wrote at the top of the manila folder, 00:08:18.226 --> 00:08:20.155 and I started looking at the data. 00:08:20.180 --> 00:08:26.173 In fact, I did it first in a four-day, very intensive data analysis, 00:08:26.197 --> 00:08:29.774 where I went back, pulled the interviews, the stories, pulled the incidents. 00:08:29.798 --> 00:08:31.576 What's the theme? What's the pattern? 00:08:32.370 --> 00:08:35.346 My husband left town with the kids 00:08:35.370 --> 00:08:38.347 because I always go into this Jackson Pollock crazy thing, 00:08:38.371 --> 00:08:42.116 where I'm just writing and in my researcher mode. 00:08:43.625 --> 00:08:45.172 And so here's what I found. 00:08:48.114 --> 00:08:50.966 What they had in common was a sense of courage. 00:08:51.624 --> 00:08:54.721 And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute. 00:08:54.745 --> 00:08:57.186 Courage, the original definition of courage, 00:08:57.210 --> 00:08:59.449 when it first came into the English language -- 00:08:59.472 --> 00:09:01.825 it's from the Latin word "cor," meaning "heart" -- 00:09:01.850 --> 00:09:04.860 and the original definition was to tell the story of who you are 00:09:04.884 --> 00:09:06.298 with your whole heart. 00:09:07.058 --> 00:09:11.232 And so these folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect. 00:09:13.631 --> 00:09:18.608 They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others, 00:09:18.633 --> 00:09:19.831 because, as it turns out, 00:09:19.855 --> 00:09:22.090 we can't practice compassion with other people 00:09:22.114 --> 00:09:23.857 if we can't treat ourselves kindly. 00:09:24.259 --> 00:09:28.656 And the last was they had connection, and -- this was the hard part -- 00:09:28.679 --> 00:09:31.656 as a result of authenticity, 00:09:31.681 --> 00:09:34.966 they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be 00:09:34.990 --> 00:09:39.594 in order to be who they were, which you have to absolutely do that 00:09:39.618 --> 00:09:40.791 for connection. 00:09:43.322 --> 00:09:47.322 The other thing that they had in common was this: 00:09:50.909 --> 00:09:53.990 They fully embraced vulnerability. 00:09:55.678 --> 00:10:02.329 They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. 00:10:06.140 --> 00:10:09.966 They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable, 00:10:09.990 --> 00:10:12.816 nor did they really talk about it being excruciating -- 00:10:12.840 --> 00:10:15.317 as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing. 00:10:15.341 --> 00:10:17.572 They just talked about it being necessary. 00:10:18.633 --> 00:10:22.609 They talked about the willingness to say, "I love you" first ... 00:10:24.378 --> 00:10:29.751 the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees ... 00:10:31.283 --> 00:10:35.618 the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call 00:10:35.642 --> 00:10:36.925 after your mammogram. 00:10:38.630 --> 00:10:41.895 They're willing to invest in a relationship 00:10:41.919 --> 00:10:43.370 that may or may not work out. 00:10:44.465 --> 00:10:46.335 They thought this was fundamental. 00:10:47.442 --> 00:10:50.061 I personally thought it was betrayal. 00:10:50.846 --> 00:10:55.442 I could not believe I had pledged allegiance to research, where our job -- 00:10:55.466 --> 00:10:59.530 you know, the definition of research is to control and predict, 00:10:59.554 --> 00:11:04.197 to study phenomena for the explicit reason to control and predict. 00:11:04.221 --> 00:11:08.587 And now my mission to control and predict 00:11:08.611 --> 00:11:12.180 had turned up the answer that the way to live is with vulnerability 00:11:12.205 --> 00:11:14.302 and to stop controlling and predicting. 00:11:14.326 --> 00:11:16.104 This led to a little breakdown -- 00:11:16.902 --> 00:11:21.966 (Laughter) 00:11:21.990 --> 00:11:24.966 -- which actually looked more like this. 00:11:24.990 --> 00:11:26.483 (Laughter) 00:11:26.506 --> 00:11:28.483 And it did. 00:11:28.508 --> 00:11:31.687 I call it a breakdown; my therapist calls it a spiritual awakening. 00:11:31.711 --> 00:11:32.946 (Laughter) 00:11:32.970 --> 00:11:35.387 A spiritual awakening sounds better than breakdown, 00:11:35.410 --> 00:11:37.187 but I assure you, it was a breakdown. 00:11:37.211 --> 00:11:40.115 And I had to put my data away and go find a therapist. 00:11:40.139 --> 00:11:42.370 Let me tell you something: you know who you are 00:11:42.394 --> 00:11:45.634 when you call your friends and say, "I think I need to see somebody. 00:11:45.658 --> 00:11:47.465 Do you have any recommendations?" 00:11:47.489 --> 00:11:49.538 Because about five of my friends were like, 00:11:49.562 --> 00:11:51.706 "Wooo, I wouldn't want to be your therapist." 00:11:51.730 --> 00:11:54.468 (Laughter) 00:11:54.491 --> 00:11:56.468 I was like, "What does that mean?" 00:11:56.493 --> 00:11:59.700 And they're like, "I'm just saying, you know. 00:11:59.724 --> 00:12:01.701 Don't bring your measuring stick." 00:12:01.725 --> 00:12:04.461 (Laughter) 00:12:04.485 --> 00:12:05.685 I was like, "Okay." 00:12:06.544 --> 00:12:08.378 So I found a therapist. 00:12:08.403 --> 00:12:10.306 My first meeting with her, Diana -- 00:12:12.109 --> 00:12:16.403 I brought in my list of the way the whole-hearted live, and I sat down. 00:12:16.427 --> 00:12:18.235 And she said, "How are you?" 00:12:18.259 --> 00:12:21.855 And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay." 00:12:21.879 --> 00:12:23.403 She said, "What's going on?" 00:12:23.427 --> 00:12:26.046 And this is a therapist who sees therapists, 00:12:26.070 --> 00:12:31.283 because we have to go to those, because their B.S. meters are good. 00:12:31.307 --> 00:12:33.283 (Laughter) 00:12:33.735 --> 00:12:37.568 And so I said, "Here's the thing, I'm struggling." 00:12:37.592 --> 00:12:39.402 And she said, "What's the struggle?" 00:12:40.442 --> 00:12:42.702 And I said, "Well, I have a vulnerability issue. 00:12:42.726 --> 00:12:48.081 And I know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear 00:12:48.105 --> 00:12:49.702 and our struggle for worthiness, 00:12:49.726 --> 00:12:55.403 but it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, 00:12:55.427 --> 00:12:57.403 of belonging, of love. 00:12:57.775 --> 00:13:03.211 And I think I have a problem, and I need some help." 00:13:03.235 --> 00:13:08.403 And I said, "But here's the thing: no family stuff, no childhood shit." 00:13:08.427 --> 00:13:10.403 (Laughter) 00:13:10.427 --> 00:13:13.403 "I just need some strategies." 00:13:13.427 --> 00:13:17.403 (Laughter) 00:13:17.427 --> 00:13:21.012 (Applause) 00:13:21.035 --> 00:13:22.597 Thank you. 00:13:24.283 --> 00:13:25.759 So she goes like this. 00:13:27.427 --> 00:13:29.783 (Laughter) 00:13:29.807 --> 00:13:32.403 And then I said, "It's bad, right?" 00:13:32.427 --> 00:13:35.403 And she said, "It's neither good nor bad." 00:13:35.427 --> 00:13:37.259 (Laughter) 00:13:37.283 --> 00:13:38.918 "It just is what it is." 00:13:39.663 --> 00:13:42.403 And I said, "Oh my God, this is going to suck." 00:13:42.427 --> 00:13:44.379 (Laughter) 00:13:45.592 --> 00:13:47.846 And it did, and it didn't. 00:13:47.870 --> 00:13:49.933 And it took about a year. 00:13:49.957 --> 00:13:51.973 And you know how there are people 00:13:51.998 --> 00:13:56.022 that, when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important, 00:13:56.046 --> 00:13:58.076 that they surrender and walk into it. 00:13:59.230 --> 00:14:01.191 A: that's not me, 00:14:01.215 --> 00:14:03.612 and B: I don't even hang out with people like that. 00:14:03.635 --> 00:14:06.403 (Laughter) 00:14:06.427 --> 00:14:08.514 For me, it was a yearlong street fight. 00:14:09.751 --> 00:14:10.925 It was a slugfest. 00:14:11.339 --> 00:14:13.173 Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back. 00:14:13.592 --> 00:14:16.679 I lost the fight, 00:14:16.703 --> 00:14:18.402 but probably won my life back. 00:14:18.726 --> 00:14:20.702 And so then I went back into the research 00:14:20.726 --> 00:14:22.403 and spent the next couple of years 00:14:22.427 --> 00:14:25.403 really trying to understand what they, the whole-hearted, 00:14:25.427 --> 00:14:31.403 what choices they were making, and what we are doing with vulnerability. 00:14:31.427 --> 00:14:33.767 Why do we struggle with it so much? 00:14:33.791 --> 00:14:35.951 Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability? 00:14:37.190 --> 00:14:38.403 No. 00:14:38.427 --> 00:14:39.888 So this is what I learned. 00:14:41.958 --> 00:14:43.625 We numb vulnerability -- 00:14:44.679 --> 00:14:46.266 when we're waiting for the call. 00:14:46.291 --> 00:14:49.180 It was funny, I sent something out on Twitter and on Facebook 00:14:49.203 --> 00:14:51.477 that says, "How would you define vulnerability? 00:14:51.501 --> 00:14:53.049 What makes you feel vulnerable?" 00:14:53.073 --> 00:14:55.798 And within an hour and a half, I had 150 responses. 00:14:55.822 --> 00:14:58.794 Because I wanted to know what's out there. 00:15:01.203 --> 00:15:06.226 Having to ask my husband for help because I'm sick, and we're newly married; 00:15:06.250 --> 00:15:08.257 initiating sex with my husband; 00:15:08.282 --> 00:15:10.996 initiating sex with my wife; 00:15:11.019 --> 00:15:13.997 being turned down; asking someone out; 00:15:14.022 --> 00:15:16.061 waiting for the doctor to call back; 00:15:16.085 --> 00:15:18.427 getting laid off; laying off people. 00:15:18.451 --> 00:15:19.855 This is the world we live in. 00:15:20.961 --> 00:15:23.929 We live in a vulnerable world. 00:15:23.953 --> 00:15:26.889 And one of the ways we deal with it is we numb vulnerability. 00:15:27.687 --> 00:15:29.403 And I think there's evidence -- 00:15:29.427 --> 00:15:31.807 and it's not the only reason this evidence exists, 00:15:31.831 --> 00:15:33.941 but I think it's a huge cause -- 00:15:33.965 --> 00:15:36.854 We are the most in-debt ... 00:15:38.538 --> 00:15:39.759 obese ... 00:15:40.909 --> 00:15:45.068 addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history. 00:15:48.315 --> 00:15:51.585 The problem is -- and I learned this from the research -- 00:15:51.609 --> 00:15:54.752 that you cannot selectively numb emotion. 00:15:55.291 --> 00:15:57.624 You can't say, here's the bad stuff. 00:15:58.427 --> 00:16:00.802 Here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame, 00:16:00.826 --> 00:16:02.503 here's fear, here's disappointment. 00:16:02.527 --> 00:16:04.403 I don't want to feel these. 00:16:04.427 --> 00:16:07.308 I'm going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. 00:16:07.332 --> 00:16:10.019 (Laughter) 00:16:10.043 --> 00:16:11.912 I don't want to feel these. 00:16:11.936 --> 00:16:13.912 And I know that's knowing laughter. 00:16:13.936 --> 00:16:16.403 I hack into your lives for a living. 00:16:16.427 --> 00:16:18.403 God. 00:16:18.427 --> 00:16:20.974 (Laughter) 00:16:20.998 --> 00:16:23.756 You can't numb those hard feelings 00:16:23.779 --> 00:16:26.413 without numbing the other affects, our emotions. 00:16:26.437 --> 00:16:27.889 You cannot selectively numb. 00:16:27.913 --> 00:16:30.520 So when we numb those, 00:16:30.544 --> 00:16:33.067 we numb joy, 00:16:33.091 --> 00:16:34.403 we numb gratitude, 00:16:34.427 --> 00:16:35.726 we numb happiness. 00:16:37.148 --> 00:16:40.271 And then, we are miserable, 00:16:40.294 --> 00:16:42.303 and we are looking for purpose and meaning, 00:16:42.327 --> 00:16:43.759 and then we feel vulnerable, 00:16:43.783 --> 00:16:46.591 so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. 00:16:46.615 --> 00:16:49.981 And it becomes this dangerous cycle. 00:16:51.086 --> 00:16:54.220 One of the things that I think we need to think about 00:16:54.244 --> 00:16:56.220 is why and how we numb. 00:16:56.927 --> 00:16:59.008 And it doesn't just have to be addiction. 00:17:00.476 --> 00:17:03.850 The other thing we do is we make everything that's uncertain certain. 00:17:05.426 --> 00:17:10.512 Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery to certainty. 00:17:10.537 --> 00:17:12.219 "I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up." 00:17:14.186 --> 00:17:15.402 That's it. 00:17:16.611 --> 00:17:17.881 Just certain. 00:17:18.339 --> 00:17:20.755 The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are, 00:17:20.779 --> 00:17:22.164 the more afraid we are. 00:17:22.189 --> 00:17:24.196 This is what politics looks like today. 00:17:24.220 --> 00:17:25.894 There's no discourse anymore. 00:17:25.919 --> 00:17:27.403 There's no conversation. 00:17:27.807 --> 00:17:29.030 There's just blame. 00:17:29.055 --> 00:17:31.372 You know how blame is described in the research? 00:17:32.553 --> 00:17:35.052 A way to discharge pain and discomfort. 00:17:37.615 --> 00:17:38.806 We perfect. 00:17:38.829 --> 00:17:42.607 If there's anyone who wants their life to look like this, it would be me, 00:17:42.632 --> 00:17:43.859 but it doesn't work. 00:17:43.883 --> 00:17:47.502 Because what we do is we take fat from our butts and put it in our cheeks. 00:17:47.527 --> 00:17:50.966 (Laughter) 00:17:50.990 --> 00:17:54.403 Which just, I hope in 100 years, people will look back and go, "Wow." 00:17:54.426 --> 00:17:56.949 (Laughter) 00:17:56.973 --> 00:18:00.403 And we perfect, most dangerously, our children. 00:18:00.426 --> 00:18:02.569 Let me tell you what we think about children. 00:18:02.594 --> 00:18:05.403 They're hardwired for struggle when they get here. 00:18:05.426 --> 00:18:08.308 And when you hold those perfect little babies in your hand, 00:18:08.333 --> 00:18:11.291 our job is not to say, "Look at her, she's perfect. 00:18:11.315 --> 00:18:13.211 My job is just to keep her perfect -- 00:18:13.234 --> 00:18:16.641 make sure she makes the tennis team by fifth grade and Yale by seventh." 00:18:16.665 --> 00:18:17.903 That's not our job. 00:18:17.926 --> 00:18:19.535 Our job is to look and say, 00:18:19.559 --> 00:18:22.576 "You know what? You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle, 00:18:22.599 --> 00:18:24.599 but you are worthy of love and belonging." 00:18:25.500 --> 00:18:26.687 That's our job. 00:18:27.104 --> 00:18:29.334 Show me a generation of kids raised like that, 00:18:29.357 --> 00:18:31.959 and we'll end the problems, I think, that we see today. 00:18:31.982 --> 00:18:37.434 We pretend that what we do doesn't have an effect on people. 00:18:38.871 --> 00:18:40.505 We do that in our personal lives. 00:18:40.528 --> 00:18:41.751 We do that corporate -- 00:18:41.776 --> 00:18:43.885 whether it's a bailout, an oil spill ... 00:18:45.385 --> 00:18:46.546 a recall. 00:18:46.569 --> 00:18:48.547 We pretend like what we're doing 00:18:48.570 --> 00:18:50.656 doesn't have a huge impact on other people. 00:18:51.426 --> 00:18:54.700 I would say to companies, this is not our first rodeo, people. 00:18:55.769 --> 00:18:58.435 We just need you to be authentic and real and say ... 00:18:59.919 --> 00:19:02.063 "We're sorry. We'll fix it." 00:19:05.535 --> 00:19:08.307 But there's another way, and I'll leave you with this. 00:19:08.330 --> 00:19:09.711 This is what I have found: 00:19:09.736 --> 00:19:14.259 To let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen ... 00:19:16.891 --> 00:19:21.279 to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee -- 00:19:21.304 --> 00:19:22.557 and that's really hard, 00:19:22.582 --> 00:19:25.923 and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult -- 00:19:28.494 --> 00:19:32.676 to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, 00:19:32.701 --> 00:19:35.014 when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much? 00:19:35.038 --> 00:19:37.223 Can I believe in this this passionately? 00:19:37.248 --> 00:19:39.178 Can I be this fierce about this?" 00:19:39.201 --> 00:19:42.778 just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, 00:19:42.803 --> 00:19:44.780 to say, "I'm just so grateful, 00:19:44.804 --> 00:19:47.204 because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive." 00:19:48.748 --> 00:19:52.410 And the last, which I think is probably the most important, 00:19:52.433 --> 00:19:54.084 is to believe that we're enough. 00:19:54.663 --> 00:19:58.512 Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, "I'm enough" ... 00:20:00.742 --> 00:20:04.711 then we stop screaming and start listening, 00:20:04.734 --> 00:20:07.061 we're kinder and gentler to the people around us, 00:20:07.086 --> 00:20:09.234 and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves. 00:20:10.125 --> 00:20:11.603 That's all I have. Thank you. 00:20:11.626 --> 00:20:14.220 (Applause)