[00:16] So, I'll start with this: a couple
years ago, an event planner called me
[00:20] because I was going
to do a speaking event.
[00:22] And she called, and she said,
[00:24] "I'm really struggling with how
to write about you on the little flyer."
[00:27] And I thought,
"Well, what's the struggle?"
[00:30] And she said, "Well, I saw you speak,
[00:32] and I'm going to call you
a researcher, I think,
[00:34] but I'm afraid if I call you
a researcher, no one will come,
[00:37] because they'll think
you're boring and irrelevant."
[00:40] (Laughter)
[00:41] And I was like, "Okay."
[00:42] And she said, "But the thing
I liked about your talk
[00:45] is you're a storyteller.
[00:46] So I think what I'll do
is just call you a storyteller."
[00:49] And of course, the academic,
insecure part of me
[00:52] was like, "You're going
to call me a what?"
[00:55] And she said, "I'm going
to call you a storyteller."
[00:57] And I was like, "Why not 'magic pixie'?"
[01:00] (Laughter)
[01:03] I was like, "Let me think
about this for a second."
[01:07] I tried to call deep on my courage.
[01:09] And I thought, you know,
I am a storyteller.
[01:12] I'm a qualitative researcher.
[01:14] I collect stories; that's what I do.
[01:16] And maybe stories
are just data with a soul.
[01:19] And maybe I'm just a storyteller.
[01:21] And so I said, "You know what?
[01:23] Why don't you just say
I'm a researcher-storyteller."
[01:26] And she went, "Ha ha.
There's no such thing."
[01:29] (Laughter)
[01:31] So I'm a researcher-storyteller,
and I'm going to talk to you today --
[01:35] we're talking about
expanding perception --
[01:37] and so I want to talk to you
and tell some stories
[01:40] about a piece of my research
that fundamentally expanded my perception
[01:45] and really actually changed
the way that I live and love
[01:48] and work and parent.
[01:50] And this is where my story starts.
[01:52] When I was a young researcher,
doctoral student,
[01:55] my first year, I had
a research professor who said to us,
[01:59] "Here's the thing, if you cannot
measure it, it does not exist."
[02:05] And I thought he was just
sweet-talking me.
[02:08] I was like, "Really?"
and he was like, "Absolutely."
[02:10] And so you have to understand
[02:13] that I have a bachelor's
and a master's in social work,
[02:15] and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work,
so my entire academic career
[02:19] was surrounded by people who kind of
believed in the "life's messy, love it."
[02:25] And I'm more of the, "life's messy,
clean it up, organize it
[02:30] and put it into a bento box."
[02:32] (Laughter)
[02:35] And so to think that I had found my way,
to found a career that takes me --
[02:40] really, one of the big sayings
in social work is,
[02:43] "Lean into the discomfort of the work."
[02:46] And I'm like, knock discomfort
upside the head
[02:49] and move it over and get all A's.
[02:51] That was my mantra.
[02:54] So I was very excited about this.
[02:56] And so I thought, you know what,
this is the career for me,
[02:59] because I am interested
in some messy topics.
[03:02] But I want to be able
to make them not messy.
[03:05] I want to understand them.
[03:06] I want to hack into these things
that I know are important
[03:10] and lay the code out for everyone to see.
[03:12] So where I started was with connection.
[03:15] Because, by the time
you're a social worker for 10 years,
[03:19] what you realize is that connection
is why we're here.
[03:23] It's what gives purpose
and meaning to our lives.
[03:27] This is what it's all about.
[03:28] It doesn't matter whether
you talk to people
[03:31] who work in social justice,
mental health and abuse and neglect,
[03:34] what we know is that connection,
the ability to feel connected, is --
[03:39] neurobiologically
that's how we're wired --
[03:41] it's why we're here.
[03:43] So I thought, you know what,
I'm going to start with connection.
[03:47] Well, you know that situation
[03:48] where you get an evaluation
from your boss,
[03:51] and she tells you 37 things
that you do really awesome,
[03:54] and one "opportunity for growth?"
[03:56] (Laughter)
[03:59] And all you can think about
is that opportunity for growth, right?
[04:02] Well, apparently this is the way
my work went as well,
[04:05] because, when you ask people about love,
they tell you about heartbreak.
[04:10] When you ask people about belonging,
[04:13] they'll tell you their most excruciating
experiences of being excluded.
[04:17] And when you ask people about connection,
[04:19] the stories they told me
were about disconnection.
[04:23] So very quickly -- really about six weeks
into this research --
[04:26] I ran into this unnamed thing
that absolutely unraveled connection
[04:32] in a way that I didn't understand
or had never seen.
[04:35] And so I pulled back out of the research
[04:37] and thought, I need
to figure out what this is.
[04:39] And it turned out to be shame.
[04:43] And shame is really easily understood
as the fear of disconnection:
[04:47] Is there something about me that,
if other people know it or see it,
[04:51] that I won't be worthy of connection?
[04:55] The things I can tell you about it:
[04:57] It's universal; we all have it.
[04:58] The only people who don't experience shame
[05:01] have no capacity for human
empathy or connection.
[05:03] No one wants to talk about it,
[05:04] and the less you talk about it,
the more you have it.
[05:09] What underpinned this shame,
this "I'm not good enough," --
[05:14] which, we all know that feeling:
[05:15] "I'm not blank enough.
I'm not thin enough,
[05:17] rich enough, beautiful enough,
smart enough, promoted enough."
[05:21] The thing that underpinned this
was excruciating vulnerability.
[05:26] This idea of, in order
for connection to happen,
[05:30] we have to allow ourselves
to be seen, really seen.
[05:36] And you know how I feel
about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability.
[05:39] And so I thought, this is my chance
to beat it back with my measuring stick.
[05:43] I'm going in, I'm going
to figure this stuff out,
[05:46] I'm going to spend a year,
I'm going to totally deconstruct shame,
[05:49] I'm going to understand
how vulnerability works,
[05:52] and I'm going to outsmart it.
[05:54] So I was ready, and I was really excited.
[06:00] As you know,
it's not going to turn out well.
[06:02] (Laughter)
[06:04] You know this.
[06:06] So, I could tell you a lot about shame,
[06:08] but I'd have to borrow
everyone else's time.
[06:10] But here's what I can tell you
that it boils down to --
[06:13] and this may be one of the most important
things that I've ever learned
[06:16] in the decade of doing this research.
[06:20] My one year turned into six years:
[06:24] Thousands of stories, hundreds
of long interviews, focus groups.
[06:28] At one point, people were
sending me journal pages
[06:31] and sending me their stories --
[06:33] thousands of pieces of data in six years.
[06:37] And I kind of got a handle on it.
[06:38] I kind of understood, this is
what shame is, this is how it works.
[06:43] I wrote a book, I published a theory,
but something was not okay --
[06:49] and what it was is that, if I roughly
took the people I interviewed
[06:53] and divided them into people who really
have a sense of worthiness --
[07:00] that's what this comes down to,
a sense of worthiness --
[07:03] they have a strong sense
of love and belonging --
[07:06] and folks who struggle for it,
[07:08] and folks who are always wondering
if they're good enough.
[07:11] There was only one variable that separated
[07:13] the people who have a strong sense
of love and belonging
[07:16] and the people who really struggle for it.
[07:18] And that was, the people who have
a strong sense of love and belonging
[07:22] believe they're worthy
of love and belonging.
[07:25] That's it.
[07:27] They believe they're worthy.
[07:30] And to me, the hard part of the one thing
that keeps us out of connection
[07:36] is our fear that we're not
worthy of connection,
[07:39] was something that,
personally and professionally,
[07:42] I felt like I needed to understand better.
[07:44] So what I did is I took
all of the interviews
[07:49] where I saw worthiness,
where I saw people living that way,
[07:52] and just looked at those.
[07:55] What do these people have in common?
[07:57] I have a slight office supply addiction,
but that's another talk.
[08:02] So I had a manila folder,
and I had a Sharpie,
[08:05] and I was like, what am I going
to call this research?
[08:08] And the first words that came
to my mind were "whole-hearted."
[08:11] These are whole-hearted people,
living from this deep sense of worthiness.
[08:15] So I wrote at the top
of the manila folder,
[08:18] and I started looking at the data.
[08:20] In fact, I did it first in a four-day,
very intensive data analysis,
[08:26] where I went back, pulled the interviews,
the stories, pulled the incidents.
[08:29] What's the theme? What's the pattern?
[08:32] My husband left town with the kids
[08:35] because I always go into this
Jackson Pollock crazy thing,
[08:38] where I'm just writing
and in my researcher mode.
[08:43] And so here's what I found.
[08:48] What they had in common
was a sense of courage.
[08:51] And I want to separate courage
and bravery for you for a minute.
[08:54] Courage, the original
definition of courage,
[08:57] when it first came
into the English language --
[08:59] it's from the Latin word "cor,"
meaning "heart" --
[09:01] and the original definition was to tell
the story of who you are
[09:04] with your whole heart.
[09:07] And so these folks had, very simply,
the courage to be imperfect.
[09:13] They had the compassion to be kind
to themselves first and then to others,
[09:18] because, as it turns out,
[09:19] we can't practice compassion
with other people
[09:22] if we can't treat ourselves kindly.
[09:24] And the last was they had connection,
and -- this was the hard part --
[09:28] as a result of authenticity,
[09:31] they were willing to let go
of who they thought they should be
[09:34] in order to be who they were,
which you have to absolutely do that
[09:39] for connection.
[09:43] The other thing that they had
in common was this:
[09:50] They fully embraced vulnerability.
[09:55] They believed that what made them
vulnerable made them beautiful.
[10:06] They didn't talk about vulnerability
being comfortable,
[10:09] nor did they really talk
about it being excruciating --
[10:12] as I had heard it earlier
in the shame interviewing.
[10:15] They just talked about it being necessary.
[10:18] They talked about the willingness
to say, "I love you" first ...
[10:24] the willingness to do something
where there are no guarantees ...
[10:31] the willingness to breathe
through waiting for the doctor to call
[10:35] after your mammogram.
[10:38] They're willing to invest
in a relationship
[10:41] that may or may not work out.
[10:44] They thought this was fundamental.
[10:47] I personally thought it was betrayal.
[10:50] I could not believe I had pledged
allegiance to research, where our job --
[10:55] you know, the definition of research
is to control and predict,
[10:59] to study phenomena for the explicit
reason to control and predict.
[11:04] And now my mission to control and predict
[11:08] had turned up the answer
that the way to live is with vulnerability
[11:12] and to stop controlling and predicting.
[11:14] This led to a little breakdown --
[11:16] (Laughter)
[11:21] -- which actually looked more like this.
[11:24] (Laughter)
[11:26] And it did.
[11:28] I call it a breakdown; my therapist
calls it a spiritual awakening.
[11:31] (Laughter)
[11:32] A spiritual awakening
sounds better than breakdown,
[11:35] but I assure you, it was a breakdown.
[11:37] And I had to put my data away
and go find a therapist.
[11:40] Let me tell you something:
you know who you are
[11:42] when you call your friends and say,
"I think I need to see somebody.
[11:45] Do you have any recommendations?"
[11:47] Because about five
of my friends were like,
[11:49] "Wooo, I wouldn't want
to be your therapist."
[11:51] (Laughter)
[11:54] I was like, "What does that mean?"
[11:56] And they're like,
"I'm just saying, you know.
[11:59] Don't bring your measuring stick."
[12:01] (Laughter)
[12:04] I was like, "Okay."
[12:06] So I found a therapist.
[12:08] My first meeting with her, Diana --
[12:12] I brought in my list of the way
the whole-hearted live, and I sat down.
[12:16] And she said, "How are you?"
[12:18] And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay."
[12:21] She said, "What's going on?"
[12:23] And this is a therapist
who sees therapists,
[12:26] because we have to go to those,
because their B.S. meters are good.
[12:31] (Laughter)
[12:33] And so I said, "Here's the thing,
I'm struggling."
[12:37] And she said, "What's the struggle?"
[12:40] And I said, "Well, I have
a vulnerability issue.
[12:42] And I know that vulnerability
is the core of shame and fear
[12:48] and our struggle for worthiness,
[12:49] but it appears that it's also
the birthplace of joy, of creativity,
[12:55] of belonging, of love.
[12:57] And I think I have a problem,
and I need some help."
[13:03] And I said, "But here's the thing:
no family stuff, no childhood shit."
[13:08] (Laughter)
[13:10] "I just need some strategies."
[13:13] (Laughter)
[13:17] (Applause)
[13:21] Thank you.
[13:24] So she goes like this.
[13:27] (Laughter)
[13:29] And then I said, "It's bad, right?"
[13:32] And she said, "It's neither good nor bad."
[13:35] (Laughter)
[13:37] "It just is what it is."
[13:39] And I said, "Oh my God,
this is going to suck."
[13:42] (Laughter)
[13:45] And it did, and it didn't.
[13:47] And it took about a year.
[13:49] And you know how there are people
[13:51] that, when they realize that vulnerability
and tenderness are important,
[13:56] that they surrender and walk into it.
[13:59] A: that's not me,
[14:01] and B: I don't even hang out
with people like that.
[14:03] (Laughter)
[14:06] For me, it was a yearlong street fight.
[14:09] It was a slugfest.
[14:11] Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back.
[14:13] I lost the fight,
[14:16] but probably won my life back.
[14:18] And so then I went back into the research
[14:20] and spent the next couple of years
[14:22] really trying to understand
what they, the whole-hearted,
[14:25] what choices they were making,
and what we are doing with vulnerability.
[14:31] Why do we struggle with it so much?
[14:33] Am I alone in struggling
with vulnerability?
[14:37] No.
[14:38] So this is what I learned.
[14:41] We numb vulnerability --
[14:44] when we're waiting for the call.
[14:46] It was funny, I sent something out
on Twitter and on Facebook
[14:49] that says, "How would you
define vulnerability?
[14:51] What makes you feel vulnerable?"
[14:53] And within an hour and a half,
I had 150 responses.
[14:55] Because I wanted to know what's out there.
[15:01] Having to ask my husband for help
because I'm sick, and we're newly married;
[15:06] initiating sex with my husband;
[15:08] initiating sex with my wife;
[15:11] being turned down; asking someone out;
[15:14] waiting for the doctor to call back;
[15:16] getting laid off; laying off people.
[15:18] This is the world we live in.
[15:20] We live in a vulnerable world.
[15:23] And one of the ways we deal
with it is we numb vulnerability.
[15:27] And I think there's evidence --
[15:29] and it's not the only reason
this evidence exists,
[15:31] but I think it's a huge cause --
[15:33] We are the most in-debt ...
[15:38] obese ...
[15:40] addicted and medicated
adult cohort in U.S. history.
[15:48] The problem is -- and I learned this
from the research --
[15:51] that you cannot selectively numb emotion.
[15:55] You can't say, here's the bad stuff.
[15:58] Here's vulnerability,
here's grief, here's shame,
[16:00] here's fear, here's disappointment.
[16:02] I don't want to feel these.
[16:04] I'm going to have a couple of beers
and a banana nut muffin.
[16:07] (Laughter)
[16:10] I don't want to feel these.
[16:11] And I know that's knowing laughter.
[16:13] I hack into your lives for a living.
[16:16] God.
[16:18] (Laughter)
[16:20] You can't numb those hard feelings
[16:23] without numbing
the other affects, our emotions.
[16:26] You cannot selectively numb.
[16:27] So when we numb those,
[16:30] we numb joy,
[16:33] we numb gratitude,
[16:34] we numb happiness.
[16:37] And then, we are miserable,
[16:40] and we are looking
for purpose and meaning,
[16:42] and then we feel vulnerable,
[16:43] so then we have a couple of beers
and a banana nut muffin.
[16:46] And it becomes this dangerous cycle.
[16:51] One of the things that I think
we need to think about
[16:54] is why and how we numb.
[16:56] And it doesn't just have to be addiction.
[17:00] The other thing we do is we make
everything that's uncertain certain.
[17:05] Religion has gone from a belief
in faith and mystery to certainty.
[17:10] "I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up."
[17:14] That's it.
[17:16] Just certain.
[17:18] The more afraid we are,
the more vulnerable we are,
[17:20] the more afraid we are.
[17:22] This is what politics looks like today.
[17:24] There's no discourse anymore.
[17:25] There's no conversation.
[17:27] There's just blame.
[17:29] You know how blame
is described in the research?
[17:32] A way to discharge pain and discomfort.
[17:37] We perfect.
[17:38] If there's anyone who wants their life
to look like this, it would be me,
[17:42] but it doesn't work.
[17:43] Because what we do is we take fat
from our butts and put it in our cheeks.
[17:47] (Laughter)
[17:50] Which just, I hope in 100 years,
people will look back and go, "Wow."
[17:54] (Laughter)
[17:56] And we perfect,
most dangerously, our children.
[18:00] Let me tell you what we think
about children.
[18:02] They're hardwired for struggle
when they get here.
[18:05] And when you hold those perfect
little babies in your hand,
[18:08] our job is not to say,
"Look at her, she's perfect.
[18:11] My job is just to keep her perfect --
[18:13] make sure she makes the tennis team
by fifth grade and Yale by seventh."
[18:16] That's not our job.
[18:17] Our job is to look and say,
[18:19] "You know what? You're imperfect,
and you're wired for struggle,
[18:22] but you are worthy of love and belonging."
[18:25] That's our job.
[18:27] Show me a generation
of kids raised like that,
[18:29] and we'll end the problems,
I think, that we see today.
[18:31] We pretend that what we do
doesn't have an effect on people.
[18:38] We do that in our personal lives.
[18:40] We do that corporate --
[18:41] whether it's a bailout, an oil spill ...
[18:45] a recall.
[18:46] We pretend like what we're doing
[18:48] doesn't have a huge impact
on other people.
[18:51] I would say to companies,
this is not our first rodeo, people.
[18:55] We just need you to be authentic
and real and say ...
[18:59] "We're sorry. We'll fix it."
[19:05] But there's another way,
and I'll leave you with this.
[19:08] This is what I have found:
[19:09] To let ourselves be seen,
deeply seen, vulnerably seen ...
[19:16] to love with our whole hearts,
even though there's no guarantee --
[19:21] and that's really hard,
[19:22] and I can tell you as a parent,
that's excruciatingly difficult --
[19:28] to practice gratitude and joy
in those moments of terror,
[19:32] when we're wondering,
"Can I love you this much?
[19:35] Can I believe in this this passionately?
[19:37] Can I be this fierce about this?"
[19:39] just to be able to stop and, instead of
catastrophizing what might happen,
[19:42] to say, "I'm just so grateful,
[19:44] because to feel this vulnerable
means I'm alive."
[19:48] And the last, which I think
is probably the most important,
[19:52] is to believe that we're enough.
[19:54] Because when we work from a place,
I believe, that says, "I'm enough" ...
[20:00] then we stop screaming
and start listening,
[20:04] we're kinder and gentler
to the people around us,
[20:07] and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.
[20:10] That's all I have. Thank you.
[20:11] (Applause)