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So, I'll start with this: a couple
years ago, an event planner called me

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because I was going
to do a speaking event.

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And she called, and she said,

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"I'm really struggling with how
to write about you on the little flyer."

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And I thought,
"Well, what's the struggle?"

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And she said, "Well, I saw you speak,

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and I'm going to call you
a researcher, I think,

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but I'm afraid if I call you
a researcher, no one will come,

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because they'll think
you're boring and irrelevant."

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(Laughter)

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And I was like, "Okay."

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And she said, "But the thing
I liked about your talk

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is you're a storyteller.

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So I think what I'll do
is just call you a storyteller."

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And of course, the academic,
insecure part of me

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was like, "You're going
to call me a what?"

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And she said, "I'm going
to call you a storyteller."

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And I was like, "Why not 'magic pixie'?"

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(Laughter)

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I was like, "Let me think
about this for a second."

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I tried to call deep on my courage.

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And I thought, you know,
I am a storyteller.

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I'm a qualitative researcher.

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I collect stories; that's what I do.

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And maybe stories
are just data with a soul.

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And maybe I'm just a storyteller.

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And so I said, "You know what?

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Why don't you just say
I'm a researcher-storyteller."

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And she went, "Ha ha.
There's no such thing."

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(Laughter)

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So I'm a researcher-storyteller,
and I'm going to talk to you today --

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we're talking about
expanding perception --

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and so I want to talk to you
and tell some stories

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about a piece of my research
that fundamentally expanded my perception

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and really actually changed
the way that I live and love

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and work and parent.

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And this is where my story starts.

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When I was a young researcher,
doctoral student,

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my first year, I had
a research professor who said to us,

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"Here's the thing, if you cannot
measure it, it does not exist."

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And I thought he was just
sweet-talking me.

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I was like, "Really?"
and he was like, "Absolutely."

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And so you have to understand

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that I have a bachelor's
and a master's in social work,

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and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work,
so my entire academic career

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was surrounded by people who kind of
believed in the "life's messy, love it."

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And I'm more of the, "life's messy,
clean it up, organize it

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and put it into a bento box."

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(Laughter)

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And so to think that I had found my way,
to found a career that takes me --

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really, one of the big sayings
in social work is,

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"Lean into the discomfort of the work."

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And I'm like, knock discomfort
upside the head

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and move it over and get all A's.

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That was my mantra.

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So I was very excited about this.

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And so I thought, you know what,
this is the career for me,

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because I am interested
in some messy topics.

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But I want to be able
to make them not messy.

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I want to understand them.

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I want to hack into these things
that I know are important

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and lay the code out for everyone to see.

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So where I started was with connection.

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Because, by the time
you're a social worker for 10 years,

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what you realize is that connection
is why we're here.

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It's what gives purpose
and meaning to our lives.

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This is what it's all about.

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It doesn't matter whether
you talk to people

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who work in social justice,
mental health and abuse and neglect,

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what we know is that connection,
the ability to feel connected, is --

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neurobiologically
that's how we're wired --

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it's why we're here.

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So I thought, you know what,
I'm going to start with connection.

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Well, you know that situation

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where you get an evaluation
from your boss,

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and she tells you 37 things
that you do really awesome,

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and one "opportunity for growth?"

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(Laughter)

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And all you can think about
is that opportunity for growth, right?

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Well, apparently this is the way
my work went as well,

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because, when you ask people about love,
they tell you about heartbreak.

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When you ask people about belonging,

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they'll tell you their most excruciating
experiences of being excluded.

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And when you ask people about connection,

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the stories they told me
were about disconnection.

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So very quickly -- really about six weeks
into this research --

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I ran into this unnamed thing
that absolutely unraveled connection

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in a way that I didn't understand
or had never seen.

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And so I pulled back out of the research

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and thought, I need
to figure out what this is.

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And it turned out to be shame.

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And shame is really easily understood
as the fear of disconnection:

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Is there something about me that,
if other people know it or see it,

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that I won't be worthy of connection?

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The things I can tell you about it:

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It's universal; we all have it.

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The only people who don't experience shame

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have no capacity for human
empathy or connection.

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No one wants to talk about it,

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and the less you talk about it,
the more you have it.

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What underpinned this shame,
this "I'm not good enough," --

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which, we all know that feeling:

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"I'm not blank enough.
I'm not thin enough,

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rich enough, beautiful enough,
smart enough, promoted enough."

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The thing that underpinned this
was excruciating vulnerability.

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This idea of, in order
for connection to happen,

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we have to allow ourselves
to be seen, really seen.

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And you know how I feel
about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability.

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And so I thought, this is my chance
to beat it back with my measuring stick.

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I'm going in, I'm going
to figure this stuff out,

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I'm going to spend a year,
I'm going to totally deconstruct shame,

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I'm going to understand
how vulnerability works,

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and I'm going to outsmart it.

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So I was ready, and I was really excited.

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As you know,
it's not going to turn out well.

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(Laughter)

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You know this.

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So, I could tell you a lot about shame,

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but I'd have to borrow
everyone else's time.

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But here's what I can tell you
that it boils down to --

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and this may be one of the most important
things that I've ever learned

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in the decade of doing this research.

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My one year turned into six years:

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Thousands of stories, hundreds
of long interviews, focus groups.

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At one point, people were
sending me journal pages

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and sending me their stories --

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thousands of pieces of data in six years.

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And I kind of got a handle on it.

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I kind of understood, this is
what shame is, this is how it works.

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I wrote a book, I published a theory,
but something was not okay --

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and what it was is that, if I roughly
took the people I interviewed

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and divided them into people who really
have a sense of worthiness --

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that's what this comes down to,
a sense of worthiness --

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they have a strong sense
of love and belonging --

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and folks who struggle for it,

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and folks who are always wondering
if they're good enough.

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There was only one variable that separated

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the people who have a strong sense
of love and belonging

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and the people who really struggle for it.

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And that was, the people who have
a strong sense of love and belonging

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believe they're worthy
of love and belonging.

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That's it.

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They believe they're worthy.

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And to me, the hard part of the one thing
that keeps us out of connection

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is our fear that we're not
worthy of connection,

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was something that,
personally and professionally,

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I felt like I needed to understand better.

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So what I did is I took
all of the interviews

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where I saw worthiness,
where I saw people living that way,

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and just looked at those.

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What do these people have in common?

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I have a slight office supply addiction,
but that's another talk.

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So I had a manila folder,
and I had a Sharpie,

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and I was like, what am I going
to call this research?

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And the first words that came
to my mind were "whole-hearted."

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These are whole-hearted people,
living from this deep sense of worthiness.

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So I wrote at the top
of the manila folder,

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and I started looking at the data.

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In fact, I did it first in a four-day,
very intensive data analysis,

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where I went back, pulled the interviews,
the stories, pulled the incidents.

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What's the theme? What's the pattern?

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My husband left town with the kids

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because I always go into this
Jackson Pollock crazy thing,

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where I'm just writing
and in my researcher mode.

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And so here's what I found.

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What they had in common
was a sense of courage.

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And I want to separate courage
and bravery for you for a minute.

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Courage, the original
definition of courage,

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when it first came
into the English language --

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it's from the Latin word "cor,"
meaning "heart" --

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and the original definition was to tell
the story of who you are

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with your whole heart.

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And so these folks had, very simply,
the courage to be imperfect.

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They had the compassion to be kind
to themselves first and then to others,

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because, as it turns out,

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we can't practice compassion
with other people

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if we can't treat ourselves kindly.

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And the last was they had connection,
and -- this was the hard part --

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as a result of authenticity,

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they were willing to let go
of who they thought they should be

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in order to be who they were,
which you have to absolutely do that

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for connection.

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The other thing that they had
in common was this:

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They fully embraced vulnerability.

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They believed that what made them
vulnerable made them beautiful.

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They didn't talk about vulnerability
being comfortable,

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nor did they really talk
about it being excruciating --

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as I had heard it earlier
in the shame interviewing.

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They just talked about it being necessary.

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They talked about the willingness
to say, "I love you" first ...

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the willingness to do something
where there are no guarantees ...

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the willingness to breathe
through waiting for the doctor to call

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after your mammogram.

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They're willing to invest
in a relationship

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that may or may not work out.

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They thought this was fundamental.

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I personally thought it was betrayal.

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I could not believe I had pledged
allegiance to research, where our job --

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you know, the definition of research
is to control and predict,

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to study phenomena for the explicit
reason to control and predict.

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And now my mission to control and predict

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had turned up the answer
that the way to live is with vulnerability

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and to stop controlling and predicting.

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This led to a little breakdown --

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(Laughter)

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-- which actually looked more like this.

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(Laughter)

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And it did.

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I call it a breakdown; my therapist
calls it a spiritual awakening.

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00:11:31,711 --> 00:11:32,946
(Laughter)

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00:11:32,970 --> 00:11:35,387
A spiritual awakening
sounds better than breakdown,

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but I assure you, it was a breakdown.

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And I had to put my data away
and go find a therapist.

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Let me tell you something:
you know who you are

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00:11:42,394 --> 00:11:45,634
when you call your friends and say,
"I think I need to see somebody.

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00:11:45,658 --> 00:11:47,465
Do you have any recommendations?"

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Because about five
of my friends were like,

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"Wooo, I wouldn't want
to be your therapist."

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00:11:51,730 --> 00:11:54,468
(Laughter)

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I was like, "What does that mean?"

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And they're like,
"I'm just saying, you know.

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Don't bring your measuring stick."

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00:12:01,725 --> 00:12:04,461
(Laughter)

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I was like, "Okay."

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00:12:06,544 --> 00:12:08,378
So I found a therapist.

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00:12:08,403 --> 00:12:10,306
My first meeting with her, Diana --

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I brought in my list of the way
the whole-hearted live, and I sat down.

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And she said, "How are you?"

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And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay."

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She said, "What's going on?"

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And this is a therapist
who sees therapists,

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because we have to go to those,
because their B.S. meters are good.

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(Laughter)

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And so I said, "Here's the thing,
I'm struggling."

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And she said, "What's the struggle?"

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And I said, "Well, I have
a vulnerability issue.

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And I know that vulnerability
is the core of shame and fear

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and our struggle for worthiness,

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00:12:49,726 --> 00:12:55,403
but it appears that it's also
the birthplace of joy, of creativity,

240
00:12:55,427 --> 00:12:57,403
of belonging, of love.

241
00:12:57,775 --> 00:13:03,211
And I think I have a problem,
and I need some help."

242
00:13:03,235 --> 00:13:08,403
And I said, "But here's the thing:
no family stuff, no childhood shit."

243
00:13:08,427 --> 00:13:10,403
(Laughter)

244
00:13:10,427 --> 00:13:13,403
"I just need some strategies."

245
00:13:13,427 --> 00:13:17,403
(Laughter)

246
00:13:17,427 --> 00:13:21,012
(Applause)

247
00:13:21,035 --> 00:13:22,597
Thank you.

248
00:13:24,283 --> 00:13:25,759
So she goes like this.

249
00:13:27,427 --> 00:13:29,783
(Laughter)

250
00:13:29,807 --> 00:13:32,403
And then I said, "It's bad, right?"

251
00:13:32,427 --> 00:13:35,403
And she said, "It's neither good nor bad."

252
00:13:35,427 --> 00:13:37,259
(Laughter)

253
00:13:37,283 --> 00:13:38,918
"It just is what it is."

254
00:13:39,663 --> 00:13:42,403
And I said, "Oh my God,
this is going to suck."

255
00:13:42,427 --> 00:13:44,379
(Laughter)

256
00:13:45,592 --> 00:13:47,846
And it did, and it didn't.

257
00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:49,933
And it took about a year.

258
00:13:49,957 --> 00:13:51,973
And you know how there are people

259
00:13:51,998 --> 00:13:56,022
that, when they realize that vulnerability
and tenderness are important,

260
00:13:56,046 --> 00:13:58,076
that they surrender and walk into it.

261
00:13:59,230 --> 00:14:01,191
A: that's not me,

262
00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:03,612
and B: I don't even hang out
with people like that.

263
00:14:03,635 --> 00:14:06,403
(Laughter)

264
00:14:06,427 --> 00:14:08,514
For me, it was a yearlong street fight.

265
00:14:09,751 --> 00:14:10,925
It was a slugfest.

266
00:14:11,339 --> 00:14:13,173
Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back.

267
00:14:13,592 --> 00:14:16,679
I lost the fight,

268
00:14:16,703 --> 00:14:18,402
but probably won my life back.

269
00:14:18,726 --> 00:14:20,702
And so then I went back into the research

270
00:14:20,726 --> 00:14:22,403
and spent the next couple of years

271
00:14:22,427 --> 00:14:25,403
really trying to understand
what they, the whole-hearted,

272
00:14:25,427 --> 00:14:31,403
what choices they were making,
and what we are doing with vulnerability.

273
00:14:31,427 --> 00:14:33,767
Why do we struggle with it so much?

274
00:14:33,791 --> 00:14:35,951
Am I alone in struggling
with vulnerability?

275
00:14:37,190 --> 00:14:38,403
No.

276
00:14:38,427 --> 00:14:39,888
So this is what I learned.

277
00:14:41,958 --> 00:14:43,625
We numb vulnerability --

278
00:14:44,679 --> 00:14:46,266
when we're waiting for the call.

279
00:14:46,291 --> 00:14:49,180
It was funny, I sent something out
on Twitter and on Facebook

280
00:14:49,203 --> 00:14:51,477
that says, "How would you
define vulnerability?

281
00:14:51,501 --> 00:14:53,049
What makes you feel vulnerable?"

282
00:14:53,073 --> 00:14:55,798
And within an hour and a half,
I had 150 responses.

283
00:14:55,822 --> 00:14:58,794
Because I wanted to know what's out there.

284
00:15:01,203 --> 00:15:06,226
Having to ask my husband for help
because I'm sick, and we're newly married;

285
00:15:06,250 --> 00:15:08,257
initiating sex with my husband;

286
00:15:08,282 --> 00:15:10,996
initiating sex with my wife;

287
00:15:11,019 --> 00:15:13,997
being turned down; asking someone out;

288
00:15:14,022 --> 00:15:16,061
waiting for the doctor to call back;

289
00:15:16,085 --> 00:15:18,427
getting laid off; laying off people.

290
00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:19,855
This is the world we live in.

291
00:15:20,961 --> 00:15:23,929
We live in a vulnerable world.

292
00:15:23,953 --> 00:15:26,889
And one of the ways we deal
with it is we numb vulnerability.

293
00:15:27,687 --> 00:15:29,403
And I think there's evidence --

294
00:15:29,427 --> 00:15:31,807
and it's not the only reason
this evidence exists,

295
00:15:31,831 --> 00:15:33,941
but I think it's a huge cause --

296
00:15:33,965 --> 00:15:36,854
We are the most in-debt ...

297
00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:39,759
obese ...

298
00:15:40,909 --> 00:15:45,068
addicted and medicated
adult cohort in U.S. history.

299
00:15:48,315 --> 00:15:51,585
The problem is -- and I learned this
from the research --

300
00:15:51,609 --> 00:15:54,752
that you cannot selectively numb emotion.

301
00:15:55,291 --> 00:15:57,624
You can't say, here's the bad stuff.

302
00:15:58,427 --> 00:16:00,802
Here's vulnerability,
here's grief, here's shame,

303
00:16:00,826 --> 00:16:02,503
here's fear, here's disappointment.

304
00:16:02,527 --> 00:16:04,403
I don't want to feel these.

305
00:16:04,427 --> 00:16:07,308
I'm going to have a couple of beers
and a banana nut muffin.

306
00:16:07,332 --> 00:16:10,019
(Laughter)

307
00:16:10,043 --> 00:16:11,912
I don't want to feel these.

308
00:16:11,936 --> 00:16:13,912
And I know that's knowing laughter.

309
00:16:13,936 --> 00:16:16,403
I hack into your lives for a living.

310
00:16:16,427 --> 00:16:18,403
God.

311
00:16:18,427 --> 00:16:20,974
(Laughter)

312
00:16:20,998 --> 00:16:23,756
You can't numb those hard feelings

313
00:16:23,779 --> 00:16:26,413
without numbing
the other affects, our emotions.

314
00:16:26,437 --> 00:16:27,889
You cannot selectively numb.

315
00:16:27,913 --> 00:16:30,520
So when we numb those,

316
00:16:30,544 --> 00:16:33,067
we numb joy,

317
00:16:33,091 --> 00:16:34,403
we numb gratitude,

318
00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:35,726
we numb happiness.

319
00:16:37,148 --> 00:16:40,271
And then, we are miserable,

320
00:16:40,294 --> 00:16:42,303
and we are looking
for purpose and meaning,

321
00:16:42,327 --> 00:16:43,759
and then we feel vulnerable,

322
00:16:43,783 --> 00:16:46,591
so then we have a couple of beers
and a banana nut muffin.

323
00:16:46,615 --> 00:16:49,981
And it becomes this dangerous cycle.

324
00:16:51,086 --> 00:16:54,220
One of the things that I think
we need to think about

325
00:16:54,244 --> 00:16:56,220
is why and how we numb.

326
00:16:56,927 --> 00:16:59,008
And it doesn't just have to be addiction.

327
00:17:00,476 --> 00:17:03,850
The other thing we do is we make
everything that's uncertain certain.

328
00:17:05,426 --> 00:17:10,512
Religion has gone from a belief
in faith and mystery to certainty.

329
00:17:10,537 --> 00:17:12,219
"I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up."

330
00:17:14,186 --> 00:17:15,402
That's it.

331
00:17:16,611 --> 00:17:17,881
Just certain.

332
00:17:18,339 --> 00:17:20,755
The more afraid we are,
the more vulnerable we are,

333
00:17:20,779 --> 00:17:22,164
the more afraid we are.

334
00:17:22,189 --> 00:17:24,196
This is what politics looks like today.

335
00:17:24,220 --> 00:17:25,894
There's no discourse anymore.

336
00:17:25,919 --> 00:17:27,403
There's no conversation.

337
00:17:27,807 --> 00:17:29,030
There's just blame.

338
00:17:29,055 --> 00:17:31,372
You know how blame
is described in the research?

339
00:17:32,553 --> 00:17:35,052
A way to discharge pain and discomfort.

340
00:17:37,615 --> 00:17:38,806
We perfect.

341
00:17:38,829 --> 00:17:42,607
If there's anyone who wants their life
to look like this, it would be me,

342
00:17:42,632 --> 00:17:43,859
but it doesn't work.

343
00:17:43,883 --> 00:17:47,502
Because what we do is we take fat
from our butts and put it in our cheeks.

344
00:17:47,527 --> 00:17:50,966
(Laughter)

345
00:17:50,990 --> 00:17:54,403
Which just, I hope in 100 years,
people will look back and go, "Wow."

346
00:17:54,426 --> 00:17:56,949
(Laughter)

347
00:17:56,973 --> 00:18:00,403
And we perfect,
most dangerously, our children.

348
00:18:00,426 --> 00:18:02,569
Let me tell you what we think
about children.

349
00:18:02,594 --> 00:18:05,403
They're hardwired for struggle
when they get here.

350
00:18:05,426 --> 00:18:08,308
And when you hold those perfect
little babies in your hand,

351
00:18:08,333 --> 00:18:11,291
our job is not to say,
"Look at her, she's perfect.

352
00:18:11,315 --> 00:18:13,211
My job is just to keep her perfect --

353
00:18:13,234 --> 00:18:16,641
make sure she makes the tennis team
by fifth grade and Yale by seventh."

354
00:18:16,665 --> 00:18:17,903
That's not our job.

355
00:18:17,926 --> 00:18:19,535
Our job is to look and say,

356
00:18:19,559 --> 00:18:22,576
"You know what? You're imperfect,
and you're wired for struggle,

357
00:18:22,599 --> 00:18:24,599
but you are worthy of love and belonging."

358
00:18:25,500 --> 00:18:26,687
That's our job.

359
00:18:27,104 --> 00:18:29,334
Show me a generation
of kids raised like that,

360
00:18:29,357 --> 00:18:31,959
and we'll end the problems,
I think, that we see today.

361
00:18:31,982 --> 00:18:37,434
We pretend that what we do
doesn't have an effect on people.

362
00:18:38,871 --> 00:18:40,505
We do that in our personal lives.

363
00:18:40,528 --> 00:18:41,751
We do that corporate --

364
00:18:41,776 --> 00:18:43,885
whether it's a bailout, an oil spill ...

365
00:18:45,385 --> 00:18:46,546
a recall.

366
00:18:46,569 --> 00:18:48,547
We pretend like what we're doing

367
00:18:48,570 --> 00:18:50,656
doesn't have a huge impact
on other people.

368
00:18:51,426 --> 00:18:54,700
I would say to companies,
this is not our first rodeo, people.

369
00:18:55,769 --> 00:18:58,435
We just need you to be authentic
and real and say ...

370
00:18:59,919 --> 00:19:02,063
"We're sorry. We'll fix it."

371
00:19:05,535 --> 00:19:08,307
But there's another way,
and I'll leave you with this.

372
00:19:08,330 --> 00:19:09,711
This is what I have found:

373
00:19:09,736 --> 00:19:14,259
To let ourselves be seen,
deeply seen, vulnerably seen ...

374
00:19:16,891 --> 00:19:21,279
to love with our whole hearts,
even though there's no guarantee --

375
00:19:21,304 --> 00:19:22,557
and that's really hard,

376
00:19:22,582 --> 00:19:25,923
and I can tell you as a parent,
that's excruciatingly difficult --

377
00:19:28,494 --> 00:19:32,676
to practice gratitude and joy
in those moments of terror,

378
00:19:32,701 --> 00:19:35,014
when we're wondering,
"Can I love you this much?

379
00:19:35,038 --> 00:19:37,223
Can I believe in this this passionately?

380
00:19:37,248 --> 00:19:39,178
Can I be this fierce about this?"

381
00:19:39,201 --> 00:19:42,778
just to be able to stop and, instead of
catastrophizing what might happen,

382
00:19:42,803 --> 00:19:44,780
to say, "I'm just so grateful,

383
00:19:44,804 --> 00:19:47,204
because to feel this vulnerable
means I'm alive."

384
00:19:48,748 --> 00:19:52,410
And the last, which I think
is probably the most important,

385
00:19:52,433 --> 00:19:54,084
is to believe that we're enough.

386
00:19:54,663 --> 00:19:58,512
Because when we work from a place,
I believe, that says, "I'm enough" ...

387
00:20:00,742 --> 00:20:04,711
then we stop screaming
and start listening,

388
00:20:04,734 --> 00:20:07,061
we're kinder and gentler
to the people around us,

389
00:20:07,086 --> 00:20:09,234
and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.

390
00:20:10,125 --> 00:20:11,603
That's all I have. Thank you.

391
00:20:11,626 --> 00:20:14,220
(Applause)