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11:44
Transcript
0:12
All right, I want to see a show of hands:
0:14
how many of you have
unfriended someone on Facebook
0:17
because they said something offensive
about politics or religion,
0:21
childcare, food?
0:23
(Laughter)
0:25
And how many of you
know at least one person that you avoid
0:28
because you just don't want
to talk to them?
0:30
(Laughter)
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0:32
You know, it used to be that in order
to have a polite conversation,
0:36
we just had to follow the advice
of Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady":
0:39
Stick to the weather and your health.
0:41
But these days, with climate change
and anti-vaxxing, those subjects --
0:44
(Laughter)
0:45
are not safe either.
0:47
So this world that we live in,
0:50
this world in which every conversation
0:53
has the potential
to devolve into an argument,
0:55
where our politicians
can't speak to one another
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0:57
and where even the most trivial of issues
0:59
have someone fighting both passionately
for it and against it, it's not normal.
1:04
Pew Research did a study
of 10,000 American adults,
1:08
and they found that at this moment,
we are more polarized,
1:10
we are more divided,
1:12
than we ever have been in history.
1:14
We're less likely to compromise,
1:16
which means we're
not listening to each other.
1:18
And we make decisions about where to live,
1:21
who to marry and even
who our friends are going to be,
1:23
based on what we already believe.
1:26
Again, that means
we're not listening to each other.
1:29
A conversation requires a balance
between talking and listening,
1:32
and somewhere along the way,
we lost that balance.
1:35
Now, part of that is due to technology.
1:37
The smartphones that you all
either have in your hands
1:39
or close enough that you could
grab them really quickly.
1:42
According to Pew Research,
1:43
about a third of American teenagers
send more than a hundred texts a day.
1:48
And many of them, almost most of them,
are more likely to text their friends
1:53
than they are to talk
to them face to face.
1:56
There's this great piece in The Atlantic.
1:58
It was written by a high school teacher
named Paul Barnwell.
2:01
And he gave his kids
a communication project.
2:03
He wanted to teach them how to speak
on a specific subject without using notes.
2:06
And he said this: “I came to realize...”
2:09
(Laughter)
2:12
"I came to realize
that conversational competence
2:15
might be the single
most overlooked skill we fail to teach.
2:19
Kids spend hours each day engaging
with ideas and each other through screens,
2:23
but rarely do they have an opportunity
2:25
to hone their interpersonal
communications skills.
2:28
It might sound like a funny question,
but we have to ask ourselves:
2:31
Is there any 21st-century skill
2:33
more important than being able to sustain
coherent, confident conversation?"
2:39
Now, I make my living talking to people:
2:41
Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers,
2:43
billionaires, kindergarten teachers,
2:46
heads of state, plumbers.
2:48
I talk to people that I like.
I talk to people that I don’t like.
2:51
I talk to some people that I disagree with
deeply on a personal level.
2:55
But I still have
a great conversation with them.
2:58
So I'd like to spend the next 10 minutes
or so teaching you how to talk
3:02
and how to listen.
3:04
Many of you have already heard
a lot of advice on this,
3:07
things like look the person in the eye,
3:09
think of interesting topics
to discuss in advance,
3:13
look, nod and smile to show
that you're paying attention,
3:18
repeat back what you just heard
or summarize it.
3:20
So I want you to forget all of that.
3:22
It is crap.
3:23
(Laughter)
3:27
There is no reason to learn
how to show you're paying attention
3:31
if you are in fact paying attention.
3:34
(Laughter)
3:36
(Applause)
3:39
Now, I actually use the exact
same skills as a professional interviewer
3:43
that I do in regular life.
3:46
So, I'm going to teach you
how to interview people,
3:49
and that's actually going to help you
learn how to be better conversationalists.
3:53
Learn to have a conversation
3:55
without wasting your time,
without getting bored,
3:57
and, please God,
without offending anybody.
4:00
We've all had really great conversations.
4:03
We've had them before.
We know what it's like.
4:05
The kind of conversation where you
walk away feeling engaged and inspired,
4:08
or where you feel
like you've made a real connection
4:11
or you've been perfectly understood.
4:13
There is no reason
4:14
why most of your interactions
can't be like that.
4:18
So I have 10 basic rules.
I'm going to walk you through all of them,
4:21
but honestly, if you just choose
one of them and master it,
4:25
you'll already enjoy better conversations.
4:27
Number one: Don't multitask.
4:30
And I don't mean
just set down your cell phone
4:32
or your tablet or your car keys
or whatever is in your hand.
4:35
I mean, be present.
4:37
Be in that moment.
4:39
Don't think about your argument
you had with your boss.
4:42
Don't think about what
you're going to have for dinner.
4:44
If you want to get out
of the conversation,
4:46
get out of the conversation,
4:48
but don't be half in it
and half out of it.
4:50
Number two: Don't pontificate.
4:52
If you want to state your opinion
4:55
without any opportunity for response
or argument or pushback or growth,
5:01
write a blog.
5:02
(Laughter)
5:05
Now, there's a really good reason
why I don't allow pundits on my show:
5:09
Because they're really boring.
5:10
If they're conservative, they're going to
hate Obama and food stamps and abortion.
5:14
If they're liberal, they're going to hate
5:16
big banks and oil corporations
and Dick Cheney.
5:18
Totally predictable.
5:20
And you don't want to be like that.
5:21
You need to enter every conversation
assuming that you have something to learn.
5:27
The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said
5:29
that true listening requires
a setting aside of oneself.
5:34
And sometimes that means
setting aside your personal opinion.
5:38
He said that sensing this acceptance,
5:41
the speaker will become
less and less vulnerable
5:43
and more and more likely
to open up the inner recesses
5:46
of his or her mind to the listener.
5:49
Again, assume that you have
something to learn.
5:52
Bill Nye: "Everyone you will ever meet
knows something that you don't."
5:57
I put it this way:
5:58
Everybody is an expert in something.
6:03
Number three: Use open-ended questions.
6:05
In this case, take a cue from journalists.
6:08
Start your questions with who,
what, when, where, why or how.
6:11
If you put in a complicated question,
you're going to get a simple answer out.
6:14
If I ask you, "Were you terrified?"
6:17
you're going to respond to the most
powerful word in that sentence,
6:20
which is "terrified," and the answer is
"Yes, I was" or "No, I wasn't."
6:23
"Were you angry?" "Yes, I was very angry."
6:25
Let them describe it.
They're the ones that know.
6:28
Try asking them things like,
"What was that like?"
6:31
"How did that feel?"
6:33
Because then they might have to stop
for a moment and think about it,
6:37
and you're going to get
a much more interesting response.
6:40
Number four: Go with the flow.
6:43
That means thoughts
will come into your mind
6:46
and you need to let them
go out of your mind.
6:49
We've heard interviews often
6:51
in which a guest is talking
for several minutes
6:54
and then the host comes back in
and asks a question
6:56
which seems like it comes out of nowhere,
or it's already been answered.
6:59
That means the host probably
stopped listening two minutes ago
7:02
because he thought
of this really clever question,
7:06
and he was just bound
and determined to say that.
7:09
And we do the exact same thing.
7:11
We're sitting there having
a conversation with someone,
7:14
and then we remember that time
that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop.
7:17
(Laughter)
7:18
And we stop listening.
7:20
Stories and ideas
are going to come to you.
7:22
You need to let them come and let them go.
7:26
Number five: If you don't know,
say that you don't know.
7:30
Now, people on the radio,
especially on NPR,
7:33
are much more aware
that they're going on the record,
7:36
and so they're more careful
about what they claim to be an expert in
7:39
and what they claim to know for sure.
7:41
Do that. Err on the side of caution.
7:44
Talk should not be cheap.
7:46
Number six: Don't equate
your experience with theirs.
7:51
If they're talking
about having lost a family member,
7:54
don't start talking about the time
you lost a family member.
7:56
If they're talking about the trouble
they're having at work,
7:59
don't tell them about
how much you hate your job.
8:02
It's not the same. It is never the same.
8:04
All experiences are individual.
8:05
And, more importantly,
it is not about you.
8:09
You don't need to take that moment
to prove how amazing you are
8:13
or how much you've suffered.
8:15
Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once
what his IQ was, and he said,
8:18
"I have no idea. People who brag
about their IQs are losers."
8:21
(Laughter)
8:23
Conversations are not
a promotional opportunity.
8:28
Number seven:
8:31
Try not to repeat yourself.
8:32
It's condescending,
and it's really boring,
8:35
and we tend to do it a lot.
8:36
Especially in work conversations
or in conversations with our kids,
8:40
we have a point to make,
8:42
so we just keep rephrasing it
over and over.
8:45
Don't do that.
8:46
Number eight: Stay out of the weeds.
8:49
Frankly, people don't care
8:52
about the years, the names,
8:54
the dates, all those details
8:56
that you're struggling
to come up with in your mind.
8:59
They don't care.
What they care about is you.
9:01
They care about what you're like,
9:04
what you have in common.
9:05
So forget the details. Leave them out.
9:08
Number nine:
9:10
This is not the last one,
but it is the most important one.
9:13
Listen.
9:14
I cannot tell you how many
really important people have said
9:18
that listening is perhaps the most,
the number one most important skill
9:22
that you could develop.
9:23
Buddha said, and I'm paraphrasing,
9:25
"If your mouth is open,
you're not learning."
9:28
And Calvin Coolidge said, "No man
ever listened his way out of a job."
9:32
(Laughter)
9:34
Why do we not listen to each other?
9:36
Number one, we'd rather talk.
9:39
When I'm talking, I'm in control.
9:41
I don't have to hear anything
I'm not interested in.
9:43
I'm the center of attention.
9:45
I can bolster my own identity.
9:47
But there's another reason:
9:48
We get distracted.
9:49
The average person talks
at about 225 word per minute,
9:53
but we can listen at up to
500 words per minute.
9:57
So our minds are filling in
those other 275 words.
10:01
And look, I know,
it takes effort and energy
10:05
to actually pay attention to someone,
10:07
but if you can't do that,
you're not in a conversation.
10:10
You're just two people shouting out
barely related sentences
10:13
in the same place.
10:14
(Laughter)
10:16
You have to listen to one another.
10:18
Stephen Covey said it very beautifully.
10:20
He said, "Most of us don't listen
with the intent to understand.
10:24
We listen with the intent to reply."
10:28
One more rule, number 10,
and it’s this one: Be brief.
10:32
Be interested in other people.
10:35
You know, I grew up
with a very famous grandfather,
10:38
and there was kind of a ritual
in my home.
10:40
People would come over
to talk to my grandparents,
10:43
and after they would leave,
my mother would come over to us,
10:46
and she’d say,
“Do you know who that was?
10:48
She was the runner-up to Miss America.
10:50
He was the mayor of Sacramento.
10:51
She won a Pulitzer Prize.
He's a Russian ballet dancer."
10:54
And I kind of grew up assuming
10:57
everyone has some hidden,
amazing thing about them.
11:01
And honestly, I think
it's what makes me a better host.
11:04
I keep my mouth shut
as often as I possibly can.
11:07
I keep my mind open.
11:09
And I’m always prepared to be amazed,
11:12
and I'm never disappointed.
11:14
You do the same thing.
11:16
Go out, talk to people,
11:18
listen to people,
11:19
and, most importantly,
be prepared to be amazed.
11:24
Thanks.
11:25
(Applause)
— end of transcript —
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