WEBVTT

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All right, I want to see a show of hands:

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how many of you have
unfriended someone on Facebook

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because they said something offensive
about politics or religion,

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childcare, food?

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(Laughter)

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And how many of you
know at least one person that you avoid

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because you just don't want
to talk to them?

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(Laughter)

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You know, it used to be that in order
to have a polite conversation,

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we just had to follow the advice
of Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady":

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Stick to the weather and your health.

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But these days, with climate change
and anti-vaxxing, those subjects --

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(Laughter)

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are not safe either.

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So this world that we live in,

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this world in which every conversation

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has the potential
to devolve into an argument,

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where our politicians
can't speak to one another

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and where even the most trivial of issues

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have someone fighting both passionately
for it and against it, it's not normal.

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Pew Research did a study
of 10,000 American adults,

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and they found that at this moment,
we are more polarized,

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we are more divided,

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than we ever have been in history.

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We're less likely to compromise,

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which means we're
not listening to each other.

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And we make decisions about where to live,

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who to marry and even
who our friends are going to be,

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based on what we already believe.

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Again, that means
we're not listening to each other.

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A conversation requires a balance
between talking and listening,

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and somewhere along the way,
we lost that balance.

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Now, part of that is due to technology.

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The smartphones that you all
either have in your hands

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or close enough that you could
grab them really quickly.

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According to Pew Research,

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about a third of American teenagers
send more than a hundred texts a day.

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And many of them, almost most of them,
are more likely to text their friends

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than they are to talk
to them face to face.

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There's this great piece in The Atlantic.

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It was written by a high school teacher
named Paul Barnwell.

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And he gave his kids
a communication project.

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He wanted to teach them how to speak
on a specific subject without using notes.

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And he said this: “I came to realize...”

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(Laughter)

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"I came to realize
that conversational competence

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might be the single
most overlooked skill we fail to teach.

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Kids spend hours each day engaging
with ideas and each other through screens,

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but rarely do they have an opportunity

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to hone their interpersonal
communications skills.

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It might sound like a funny question,
but we have to ask ourselves:

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Is there any 21st-century skill

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more important than being able to sustain
coherent, confident conversation?"

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Now, I make my living talking to people:

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Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers,

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billionaires, kindergarten teachers,

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heads of state, plumbers.

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I talk to people that I like.
I talk to people that I don’t like.

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I talk to some people that I disagree with
deeply on a personal level.

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But I still have
a great conversation with them.

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So I'd like to spend the next 10 minutes
or so teaching you how to talk

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and how to listen.

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Many of you have already heard
a lot of advice on this,

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things like look the person in the eye,

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think of interesting topics
to discuss in advance,

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look, nod and smile to show
that you're paying attention,

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repeat back what you just heard
or summarize it.

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So I want you to forget all of that.

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It is crap.

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(Laughter)

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There is no reason to learn
how to show you're paying attention

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if you are in fact paying attention.

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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Now, I actually use the exact
same skills as a professional interviewer

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that I do in regular life.

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So, I'm going to teach you
how to interview people,

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and that's actually going to help you
learn how to be better conversationalists.

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Learn to have a conversation

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without wasting your time,
without getting bored,

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and, please God,
without offending anybody.

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We've all had really great conversations.

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We've had them before.
We know what it's like.

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The kind of conversation where you
walk away feeling engaged and inspired,

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or where you feel
like you've made a real connection

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or you've been perfectly understood.

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There is no reason

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why most of your interactions
can't be like that.

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So I have 10 basic rules.
I'm going to walk you through all of them,

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but honestly, if you just choose
one of them and master it,

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you'll already enjoy better conversations.

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Number one: Don't multitask.

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And I don't mean
just set down your cell phone

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or your tablet or your car keys
or whatever is in your hand.

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I mean, be present.

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Be in that moment.

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Don't think about your argument
you had with your boss.

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Don't think about what
you're going to have for dinner.

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If you want to get out
of the conversation,

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get out of the conversation,

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but don't be half in it
and half out of it.

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Number two: Don't pontificate.

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If you want to state your opinion

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without any opportunity for response
or argument or pushback or growth,

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write a blog.

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(Laughter)

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Now, there's a really good reason
why I don't allow pundits on my show:

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Because they're really boring.

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If they're conservative, they're going to
hate Obama and food stamps and abortion.

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If they're liberal, they're going to hate

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big banks and oil corporations
and Dick Cheney.

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Totally predictable.

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And you don't want to be like that.

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You need to enter every conversation
assuming that you have something to learn.

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The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said

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that true listening requires
a setting aside of oneself.

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And sometimes that means
setting aside your personal opinion.

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He said that sensing this acceptance,

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the speaker will become
less and less vulnerable

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and more and more likely
to open up the inner recesses

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of his or her mind to the listener.

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Again, assume that you have
something to learn.

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Bill Nye: "Everyone you will ever meet
knows something that you don't."

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I put it this way:

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Everybody is an expert in something.

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Number three: Use open-ended questions.

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In this case, take a cue from journalists.

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Start your questions with who,
what, when, where, why or how.

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If you put in a complicated question,
you're going to get a simple answer out.

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If I ask you, "Were you terrified?"

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you're going to respond to the most
powerful word in that sentence,

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which is "terrified," and the answer is
"Yes, I was" or "No, I wasn't."

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"Were you angry?" "Yes, I was very angry."

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Let them describe it.
They're the ones that know.

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Try asking them things like,
"What was that like?"

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"How did that feel?"

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Because then they might have to stop
for a moment and think about it,

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and you're going to get
a much more interesting response.

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Number four: Go with the flow.

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That means thoughts
will come into your mind

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and you need to let them
go out of your mind.

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We've heard interviews often

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in which a guest is talking
for several minutes

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and then the host comes back in
and asks a question

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which seems like it comes out of nowhere,
or it's already been answered.

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That means the host probably
stopped listening two minutes ago

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because he thought
of this really clever question,

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and he was just bound
and determined to say that.

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And we do the exact same thing.

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We're sitting there having
a conversation with someone,

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and then we remember that time
that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop.

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(Laughter)

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And we stop listening.

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Stories and ideas
are going to come to you.

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You need to let them come and let them go.

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Number five: If you don't know,
say that you don't know.

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Now, people on the radio,
especially on NPR,

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are much more aware
that they're going on the record,

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and so they're more careful
about what they claim to be an expert in

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and what they claim to know for sure.

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Do that. Err on the side of caution.

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Talk should not be cheap.

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Number six: Don't equate
your experience with theirs.

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If they're talking
about having lost a family member,

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don't start talking about the time
you lost a family member.

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If they're talking about the trouble
they're having at work,

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don't tell them about
how much you hate your job.

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It's not the same. It is never the same.

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All experiences are individual.

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And, more importantly,
it is not about you.

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You don't need to take that moment
to prove how amazing you are

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or how much you've suffered.

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Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once
what his IQ was, and he said,

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"I have no idea. People who brag
about their IQs are losers."

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(Laughter)

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Conversations are not
a promotional opportunity.

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Number seven:

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Try not to repeat yourself.

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It's condescending,
and it's really boring,

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and we tend to do it a lot.

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Especially in work conversations
or in conversations with our kids,

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we have a point to make,

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so we just keep rephrasing it
over and over.

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Don't do that.

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Number eight: Stay out of the weeds.

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Frankly, people don't care

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about the years, the names,

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the dates, all those details

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that you're struggling
to come up with in your mind.

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They don't care.
What they care about is you.

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They care about what you're like,

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what you have in common.

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So forget the details. Leave them out.

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Number nine:

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This is not the last one,
but it is the most important one.

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Listen.

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I cannot tell you how many
really important people have said

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that listening is perhaps the most,
the number one most important skill

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that you could develop.

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Buddha said, and I'm paraphrasing,

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"If your mouth is open,
you're not learning."

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And Calvin Coolidge said, "No man
ever listened his way out of a job."

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(Laughter)

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Why do we not listen to each other?

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Number one, we'd rather talk.

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When I'm talking, I'm in control.

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I don't have to hear anything
I'm not interested in.

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I'm the center of attention.

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I can bolster my own identity.

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But there's another reason:

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We get distracted.

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The average person talks
at about 225 word per minute,

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but we can listen at up to
500 words per minute.

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So our minds are filling in
those other 275 words.

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And look, I know,
it takes effort and energy

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to actually pay attention to someone,

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but if you can't do that,
you're not in a conversation.

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You're just two people shouting out
barely related sentences

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in the same place.

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(Laughter)

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You have to listen to one another.

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Stephen Covey said it very beautifully.

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He said, "Most of us don't listen
with the intent to understand.

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We listen with the intent to reply."

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One more rule, number 10,
and it’s this one: Be brief.

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Be interested in other people.

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You know, I grew up
with a very famous grandfather,

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and there was kind of a ritual 
in my home.

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People would come over
to talk to my grandparents,

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and after they would leave,
my mother would come over to us,

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and she’d say, 
“Do you know who that was?

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She was the runner-up to Miss America.

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He was the mayor of Sacramento.

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She won a Pulitzer Prize.
He's a Russian ballet dancer."

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And I kind of grew up assuming

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everyone has some hidden,
amazing thing about them.

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And honestly, I think
it's what makes me a better host.

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I keep my mouth shut
as often as I possibly can.

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I keep my mind open.

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And I’m always prepared to be amazed,

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and I'm never disappointed.

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You do the same thing.

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Go out, talk to people,

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listen to people,

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and, most importantly,
be prepared to be amazed.

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Thanks.

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(Applause)