[00:12] All right, I want to see a show of hands:
[00:14] how many of you have
unfriended someone on Facebook
[00:17] because they said something offensive
about politics or religion,
[00:21] childcare, food?
[00:23] (Laughter)
[00:25] And how many of you
know at least one person that you avoid
[00:28] because you just don't want
to talk to them?
[00:30] (Laughter)
[00:32] You know, it used to be that in order
to have a polite conversation,
[00:36] we just had to follow the advice
of Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady":
[00:39] Stick to the weather and your health.
[00:41] But these days, with climate change
and anti-vaxxing, those subjects --
[00:44] (Laughter)
[00:45] are not safe either.
[00:47] So this world that we live in,
[00:50] this world in which every conversation
[00:53] has the potential
to devolve into an argument,
[00:55] where our politicians
can't speak to one another
[00:57] and where even the most trivial of issues
[00:59] have someone fighting both passionately
for it and against it, it's not normal.
[01:04] Pew Research did a study
of 10,000 American adults,
[01:08] and they found that at this moment,
we are more polarized,
[01:10] we are more divided,
[01:12] than we ever have been in history.
[01:14] We're less likely to compromise,
[01:16] which means we're
not listening to each other.
[01:18] And we make decisions about where to live,
[01:21] who to marry and even
who our friends are going to be,
[01:23] based on what we already believe.
[01:26] Again, that means
we're not listening to each other.
[01:29] A conversation requires a balance
between talking and listening,
[01:32] and somewhere along the way,
we lost that balance.
[01:35] Now, part of that is due to technology.
[01:37] The smartphones that you all
either have in your hands
[01:39] or close enough that you could
grab them really quickly.
[01:42] According to Pew Research,
[01:43] about a third of American teenagers
send more than a hundred texts a day.
[01:48] And many of them, almost most of them,
are more likely to text their friends
[01:53] than they are to talk
to them face to face.
[01:56] There's this great piece in The Atlantic.
[01:58] It was written by a high school teacher
named Paul Barnwell.
[02:01] And he gave his kids
a communication project.
[02:03] He wanted to teach them how to speak
on a specific subject without using notes.
[02:06] And he said this: “I came to realize...”
[02:09] (Laughter)
[02:12] "I came to realize
that conversational competence
[02:15] might be the single
most overlooked skill we fail to teach.
[02:19] Kids spend hours each day engaging
with ideas and each other through screens,
[02:23] but rarely do they have an opportunity
[02:25] to hone their interpersonal
communications skills.
[02:28] It might sound like a funny question,
but we have to ask ourselves:
[02:31] Is there any 21st-century skill
[02:33] more important than being able to sustain
coherent, confident conversation?"
[02:39] Now, I make my living talking to people:
[02:41] Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers,
[02:43] billionaires, kindergarten teachers,
[02:46] heads of state, plumbers.
[02:48] I talk to people that I like.
I talk to people that I don’t like.
[02:51] I talk to some people that I disagree with
deeply on a personal level.
[02:55] But I still have
a great conversation with them.
[02:58] So I'd like to spend the next 10 minutes
or so teaching you how to talk
[03:02] and how to listen.
[03:04] Many of you have already heard
a lot of advice on this,
[03:07] things like look the person in the eye,
[03:09] think of interesting topics
to discuss in advance,
[03:13] look, nod and smile to show
that you're paying attention,
[03:18] repeat back what you just heard
or summarize it.
[03:20] So I want you to forget all of that.
[03:22] It is crap.
[03:23] (Laughter)
[03:27] There is no reason to learn
how to show you're paying attention
[03:31] if you are in fact paying attention.
[03:34] (Laughter)
[03:36] (Applause)
[03:39] Now, I actually use the exact
same skills as a professional interviewer
[03:43] that I do in regular life.
[03:46] So, I'm going to teach you
how to interview people,
[03:49] and that's actually going to help you
learn how to be better conversationalists.
[03:53] Learn to have a conversation
[03:55] without wasting your time,
without getting bored,
[03:57] and, please God,
without offending anybody.
[04:00] We've all had really great conversations.
[04:03] We've had them before.
We know what it's like.
[04:05] The kind of conversation where you
walk away feeling engaged and inspired,
[04:08] or where you feel
like you've made a real connection
[04:11] or you've been perfectly understood.
[04:13] There is no reason
[04:14] why most of your interactions
can't be like that.
[04:18] So I have 10 basic rules.
I'm going to walk you through all of them,
[04:21] but honestly, if you just choose
one of them and master it,
[04:25] you'll already enjoy better conversations.
[04:27] Number one: Don't multitask.
[04:30] And I don't mean
just set down your cell phone
[04:32] or your tablet or your car keys
or whatever is in your hand.
[04:35] I mean, be present.
[04:37] Be in that moment.
[04:39] Don't think about your argument
you had with your boss.
[04:42] Don't think about what
you're going to have for dinner.
[04:44] If you want to get out
of the conversation,
[04:46] get out of the conversation,
[04:48] but don't be half in it
and half out of it.
[04:50] Number two: Don't pontificate.
[04:52] If you want to state your opinion
[04:55] without any opportunity for response
or argument or pushback or growth,
[05:01] write a blog.
[05:02] (Laughter)
[05:05] Now, there's a really good reason
why I don't allow pundits on my show:
[05:09] Because they're really boring.
[05:10] If they're conservative, they're going to
hate Obama and food stamps and abortion.
[05:14] If they're liberal, they're going to hate
[05:16] big banks and oil corporations
and Dick Cheney.
[05:18] Totally predictable.
[05:20] And you don't want to be like that.
[05:21] You need to enter every conversation
assuming that you have something to learn.
[05:27] The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said
[05:29] that true listening requires
a setting aside of oneself.
[05:34] And sometimes that means
setting aside your personal opinion.
[05:38] He said that sensing this acceptance,
[05:41] the speaker will become
less and less vulnerable
[05:43] and more and more likely
to open up the inner recesses
[05:46] of his or her mind to the listener.
[05:49] Again, assume that you have
something to learn.
[05:52] Bill Nye: "Everyone you will ever meet
knows something that you don't."
[05:57] I put it this way:
[05:58] Everybody is an expert in something.
[06:03] Number three: Use open-ended questions.
[06:05] In this case, take a cue from journalists.
[06:08] Start your questions with who,
what, when, where, why or how.
[06:11] If you put in a complicated question,
you're going to get a simple answer out.
[06:14] If I ask you, "Were you terrified?"
[06:17] you're going to respond to the most
powerful word in that sentence,
[06:20] which is "terrified," and the answer is
"Yes, I was" or "No, I wasn't."
[06:23] "Were you angry?" "Yes, I was very angry."
[06:25] Let them describe it.
They're the ones that know.
[06:28] Try asking them things like,
"What was that like?"
[06:31] "How did that feel?"
[06:33] Because then they might have to stop
for a moment and think about it,
[06:37] and you're going to get
a much more interesting response.
[06:40] Number four: Go with the flow.
[06:43] That means thoughts
will come into your mind
[06:46] and you need to let them
go out of your mind.
[06:49] We've heard interviews often
[06:51] in which a guest is talking
for several minutes
[06:54] and then the host comes back in
and asks a question
[06:56] which seems like it comes out of nowhere,
or it's already been answered.
[06:59] That means the host probably
stopped listening two minutes ago
[07:02] because he thought
of this really clever question,
[07:06] and he was just bound
and determined to say that.
[07:09] And we do the exact same thing.
[07:11] We're sitting there having
a conversation with someone,
[07:14] and then we remember that time
that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop.
[07:17] (Laughter)
[07:18] And we stop listening.
[07:20] Stories and ideas
are going to come to you.
[07:22] You need to let them come and let them go.
[07:26] Number five: If you don't know,
say that you don't know.
[07:30] Now, people on the radio,
especially on NPR,
[07:33] are much more aware
that they're going on the record,
[07:36] and so they're more careful
about what they claim to be an expert in
[07:39] and what they claim to know for sure.
[07:41] Do that. Err on the side of caution.
[07:44] Talk should not be cheap.
[07:46] Number six: Don't equate
your experience with theirs.
[07:51] If they're talking
about having lost a family member,
[07:54] don't start talking about the time
you lost a family member.
[07:56] If they're talking about the trouble
they're having at work,
[07:59] don't tell them about
how much you hate your job.
[08:02] It's not the same. It is never the same.
[08:04] All experiences are individual.
[08:05] And, more importantly,
it is not about you.
[08:09] You don't need to take that moment
to prove how amazing you are
[08:13] or how much you've suffered.
[08:15] Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once
what his IQ was, and he said,
[08:18] "I have no idea. People who brag
about their IQs are losers."
[08:21] (Laughter)
[08:23] Conversations are not
a promotional opportunity.
[08:28] Number seven:
[08:31] Try not to repeat yourself.
[08:32] It's condescending,
and it's really boring,
[08:35] and we tend to do it a lot.
[08:36] Especially in work conversations
or in conversations with our kids,
[08:40] we have a point to make,
[08:42] so we just keep rephrasing it
over and over.
[08:45] Don't do that.
[08:46] Number eight: Stay out of the weeds.
[08:49] Frankly, people don't care
[08:52] about the years, the names,
[08:54] the dates, all those details
[08:56] that you're struggling
to come up with in your mind.
[08:59] They don't care.
What they care about is you.
[09:01] They care about what you're like,
[09:04] what you have in common.
[09:05] So forget the details. Leave them out.
[09:08] Number nine:
[09:10] This is not the last one,
but it is the most important one.
[09:13] Listen.
[09:14] I cannot tell you how many
really important people have said
[09:18] that listening is perhaps the most,
the number one most important skill
[09:22] that you could develop.
[09:23] Buddha said, and I'm paraphrasing,
[09:25] "If your mouth is open,
you're not learning."
[09:28] And Calvin Coolidge said, "No man
ever listened his way out of a job."
[09:32] (Laughter)
[09:34] Why do we not listen to each other?
[09:36] Number one, we'd rather talk.
[09:39] When I'm talking, I'm in control.
[09:41] I don't have to hear anything
I'm not interested in.
[09:43] I'm the center of attention.
[09:45] I can bolster my own identity.
[09:47] But there's another reason:
[09:48] We get distracted.
[09:49] The average person talks
at about 225 word per minute,
[09:53] but we can listen at up to
500 words per minute.
[09:57] So our minds are filling in
those other 275 words.
[10:01] And look, I know,
it takes effort and energy
[10:05] to actually pay attention to someone,
[10:07] but if you can't do that,
you're not in a conversation.
[10:10] You're just two people shouting out
barely related sentences
[10:13] in the same place.
[10:14] (Laughter)
[10:16] You have to listen to one another.
[10:18] Stephen Covey said it very beautifully.
[10:20] He said, "Most of us don't listen
with the intent to understand.
[10:24] We listen with the intent to reply."
[10:28] One more rule, number 10,
and it’s this one: Be brief.
[10:32] Be interested in other people.
[10:35] You know, I grew up
with a very famous grandfather,
[10:38] and there was kind of a ritual 
in my home.
[10:40] People would come over
to talk to my grandparents,
[10:43] and after they would leave,
my mother would come over to us,
[10:46] and she’d say, 
“Do you know who that was?
[10:48] She was the runner-up to Miss America.
[10:50] He was the mayor of Sacramento.
[10:51] She won a Pulitzer Prize.
He's a Russian ballet dancer."
[10:54] And I kind of grew up assuming
[10:57] everyone has some hidden,
amazing thing about them.
[11:01] And honestly, I think
it's what makes me a better host.
[11:04] I keep my mouth shut
as often as I possibly can.
[11:07] I keep my mind open.
[11:09] And I’m always prepared to be amazed,
[11:12] and I'm never disappointed.
[11:14] You do the same thing.
[11:16] Go out, talk to people,
[11:18] listen to people,
[11:19] and, most importantly,
be prepared to be amazed.
[11:24] Thanks.
[11:25] (Applause)