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13:01
Transcript
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something else I don't understand
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motivation tapes motivation books what
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happened here suddenly everybody needs
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to be motivated it's a fairly simple
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thing you want to do something or you
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don't what's the big mystery besides if
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you're motivated enough to go to the
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store to buy a motivation book aren't
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you motivated enough to do that so you
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don't need the book put it back tell the
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clerk [ __ ] you I'm motivated I'm going
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home I'm going
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home and can anyone explain to me the
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need for 1H hour photo
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finishing you just saw the [ __ ]
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thing how how can you possibly be
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nostalgic about a concept like a little
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while
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0:51
ago another complaint too many vehicles
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there are some families in this country
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own entirely too many vehicles you see
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them on the high way and an RV well
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that's not enough for them RV is not
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enough behind them they're towing a
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motorboat go-kart dune buggy dirt bike
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jet ski snowmobile parale hang glider
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wind surfing equipment a hot air balloon
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and a small two-man deep sea diving
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bell doesn't anyone just take a [ __ ]
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walk
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anymore the only thing these people lack
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is a lunar Excursion module too many
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choices America it's not
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healthy another abomination white guys
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over 10 years of age who wear their
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baseball hats
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backwards
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listen listen
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to white guys let me tell you something
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you're never going to be as cool as
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black guys it's not going to happen
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you're white and you're
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lame it's a [ __ ] law of
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nature turning your hat around and
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learning a complicated handshake will
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not make you cool and you black guys
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since you started the whole thing I'm
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going to let you stay with the hats a
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little bit longer but I think really
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once you qualify for Social Security
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it's time to spin that [ __ ]
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around to the front again
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right another tip another tip for the
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men the earrings the thing with the
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earrings it's
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over it's been over for a long time
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doesn't mean anything anymore it was
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supposed to piss off the squares the
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squares are wearing them
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now doesn't mean anything it's just
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[ __ ] jewelry unless you have an
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earring with a live baby hanging from it
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it's just jewelry and I want you to know
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I'm in favor of self-mutilation and
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personal
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disfigurement I've always said there's
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nothing like puncturing and Perforating
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your skin in a dozen or so places in
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order to demonstrate your high
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self-esteem when I see a young man
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decorating his scalp with a soldering
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iron I say there's a happy
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guy thinks highly of
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himself and haven't we gone a little
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overboard with these colored ribbons for
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different causes every cause has its own
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colored ribbon Now red for AIDS blue for
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child abuse pink for breast cancer green
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for the rainforest purple for urban
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violence I got a brown one you know what
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it means eat [ __ ] [ __ ] eat [ __ ]
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[ __ ]
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[Music]
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and what can we do to silence these
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Christian athletes who thank Jesus
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whenever they win never mention his name
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when they lose not a word you never hear
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him say Jesus made me drop the
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ball the good Lord tripped me up behind
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the line of
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scrimmage according to these guys Jesus
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is undefeated meanwhile these [ __ ]
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are in the last place must be another
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one of those
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Miracles and speaking of delusional
3:58
people what about a guy who hears a
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voice voice in his head tells him to
4:00
kill his entire family so he does it is
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this the only thing a voice in the head
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ever tells these people to do is to kill
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others doesn't a voice ever tell a guy
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go take a [ __ ] on the salad bar at
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Wendy's doesn't it Bo doesn't Bo tell a
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guy to take out his dick on the
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merrygoround once in a while well some
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guys do take out their dicks on the
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merrygoround but usually it's their own
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idea something else I can do without
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aftershave and cologne and this
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disgusting [ __ ] that men put on their
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bodies just what I need in the elevator
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some guy standing next to me smells like
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a [ __ ] pine tree I said go home and
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wash you smelly prick you smell like the
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urinal in a Portuguese cat
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house godamn guys are stupid guys are
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really [ __ ] dumb they think they're
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going to get laid with this stuff you
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know oh yeah they put it on at home oh
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boy oh boy I'll get laid tonight I'll
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get laid tonight you don't get laid with
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green [ __ ] that comes out of a bottle
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okay and the only smell that's going to
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help you get laid might be your own
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natural scent you have pheromones it's a
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secondary sex characteristic people in
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America all nervous about sex I'm want
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to cover that up and disguise it guys in
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Europe they know how to live guy gets in
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the elevator over there he smells like a
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pile of dog
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[ __ ] those people are
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sophisticated getting pretty tired of
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these guys walking around in cowboy hats
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and cowboy boots you ever see these Jack
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offs can't we kill some of these
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[ __ ] walking on a [ __ ]
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cowboy hat grown man it's not even
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Halloween for Christ
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sakes I say hey Tex grow up and get
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yourself a wardrobe consistent with the
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century you're living
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in why do certain men feel the need to
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dress up as Mythic figures you don't see
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anyone walking around in a pirate
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costume do you when's the last guy you
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ran into hadot on a viking
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outfit make believe Cowboys closest they
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ever got to a cows when they stop to
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take a piss at an Arby's
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and
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camcorders here is technology gone
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berserk everywhere you go now there's
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some dick some yo-yo some
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putts with a camcorder and he is going
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to tape
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everything doesn't anyone in this
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country just stop and look at things
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anymore sort of take them in maybe even
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remember them is that just a strange
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notion does it does experience have to
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be documented and brought home and saved
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on a shelf and do people really watch
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this [ __ ] are people's lives so bankrupt
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they sit at home looking at things they
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already
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did these guys are so intense you know
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it's always guys they won't let women
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touch the cameras it's a highly
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technical
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skill look through a hole push on a
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button big skill and they're they all
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think they're Federico felini ever seen
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in
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here low angles zooms and pans and it's
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the same ugly three children in every
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goddamn
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shot all the George Lucas magic in
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Hollywood is not going to change the
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unfortunate genetic configuration on the
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faces of these children keep these
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unfortunate youngsters out of public
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[Applause]
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view
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now a lot of these hold on a
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sec a lot of these cultural crimes I've
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been complaining about can be blamed on
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the Baby Boomers something else I'm a
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little tired of hearing about the Baby
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Boomers whiny narcissistic
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self-indulgent people with a simple
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philosophy give me it it's mine give me
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that it's
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mine these people were given everything
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everything was handed to them and they
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took it all took it all sex drugs and
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rock and roll and they stayed loaded for
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20 years and had a free ride but now
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they're staring down the barrel of
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middle-aged burnout and they don't like
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it they don't like it so they turned
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self-right
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and they want to make things hard on
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younger people they tell them abstain
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from sex say no to drugs as for the rock
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and roll they sold that for television
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commercials a long time ago so they
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could buy pasta machines and stair
8:13
Masters and soybean
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Futures
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Sobe
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Futures you know
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something they're cold bloodless people
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it's in their slogans it's in their
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rhetoric no pain no gain just do it life
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is short play hard [ __ ] happens deal
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with it get a life these people went
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from Do Your Own Thing to just say no
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they went from Love is All You Need to
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whoever winds up with the most toys wins
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and they went from cocaine to
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Rane and you know something they're
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still counting grams only now it's fat
9:00
Gams and the worst of it is the rest of
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us have to watch these commercials on TV
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for Levi's loose fitting jeans and fat
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ass Docker
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pants because these degenerate yepy
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Boomer [ __ ] couldn't keep their
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hands off the crance and the hogendas
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and their big fat asses have spread all
9:19
over and they have to wear fat ass
9:20
Docker pants [ __ ] these Boomers [ __ ]
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these yuppies and [ __ ] everybody now
9:26
that I think of it
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Fu
9:38
well sometimes in comedy you have to
9:42
generalize now there's one thing you
9:44
might have noticed I don't complain
9:46
about
9:48
politicians everybody complains about
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politicians everybody says they suck
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yeah well where do people think these
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politicians come from they don't fall
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out of the sky they don't pass through a
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membrane from another reality they come
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from American parents and American
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families American Homes American schools
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American churches American businesses
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and American universities and they're
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elected by American citizens this is the
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best we can do folks this is what we
10:15
have to offer it's what our system
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produces garbage in garbage out if you
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have selfish ignorant citizens if you
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have selfish ignorant citizens you're
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going to get selfish ignorant leaders
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and term limits ain't going to do you
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any good you're just going to wind up
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with a brand new bunch of selfish
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ignorant Americans so maybe maybe maybe
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it's not the politicians who suck maybe
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something else sucks around here like
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the
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public yeah the public sucks there's a
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nice campaign slogan for somebody the
10:49
public sucks [ __ ] hope [ __ ]
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hope because if it's really just the
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fault of these politicians then where
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are all the other bright people of
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conscience where are all the bright
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honest intelligent Americans ready to
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step in and save the nation and lead the
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way we don't have people like that in
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this country everybody's at the mall
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scratching his ass picking his nose
11:12
taking his credit card out of his fanny
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pack and buying a pair of sneakers with
11:16
lights in
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them so I have solved this little
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political dilemma for myself in a very
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simple way on Election Day I stay home I
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don't vote [ __ ] them [ __ ]
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I don't vote two reasons two reasons I
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don't vote first of all it's meaningless
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this country was bought and sold and
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paid for a long time ago the [ __ ] they
11:39
Shuffle around every four
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years doesn't mean a [ __ ]
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thing and secondly I don't vote cuz I
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believe if you vote you have no right to
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complain people like to twist that
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around I know they say they say well if
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you don't vote you have no right to
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complain but where's the logic in that
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if if you vote and you elect dishonest
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incompetent people and they get into
12:03
office and screw everything up well you
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are responsible for what they have done
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you caused the problem you voted them in
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you have no right to complain I on the
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other
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hand who did not vote who did not vote
12:18
who in fact did not even leave the house
12:22
on Election
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Day am in no way responsible for what
12:25
these people have done and have every
12:26
right to complain as loud as I want
12:28
about the mess you created that I had
12:29
nothing to do with so I know that a
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little later on this year you're going
12:33
to have another one of those really
12:35
swell presidential elections that you
12:37
like so much you'll enjoy yourselves
12:38
it'll be a lot of fun I'm sure as soon
12:40
as the election is over your country
12:41
will improve immediately as for me I'll
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be home on that day doing essentially
12:46
the same thing as you the only
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difference is when I get finish
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masturbating I'm going to have a little
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something to show for it folks thank you
12:54
very much
12:59
oh
— end of transcript —
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