something else I don't understand
motivation tapes motivation books what
happened here suddenly everybody needs
to be motivated it's a fairly simple
thing you want to do something or you
don't what's the big mystery besides if
you're motivated enough to go to the
store to buy a motivation book aren't
you motivated enough to do that so you
don't need the book put it back tell the
clerk [ __ ] you I'm motivated I'm going
home I'm going
home and can anyone explain to me the
need for 1H hour photo
finishing you just saw the [ __ ]
thing how how can you possibly be
nostalgic about a concept like a little
while
ago another complaint too many vehicles
there are some families in this country
own entirely too many vehicles you see
them on the high way and an RV well
that's not enough for them RV is not
enough behind them they're towing a
motorboat go-kart dune buggy dirt bike
jet ski snowmobile parale hang glider
wind surfing equipment a hot air balloon
and a small two-man deep sea diving
bell doesn't anyone just take a [ __ ]
walk
anymore the only thing these people lack
is a lunar Excursion module too many
choices America it's not
healthy another abomination white guys
over 10 years of age who wear their
baseball hats
backwards
listen listen
to white guys let me tell you something
you're never going to be as cool as
black guys it's not going to happen
you're white and you're
lame it's a [ __ ] law of
nature turning your hat around and
learning a complicated handshake will
not make you cool and you black guys
since you started the whole thing I'm
going to let you stay with the hats a
little bit longer but I think really
once you qualify for Social Security
it's time to spin that [ __ ]
around to the front again
right another tip another tip for the
men the earrings the thing with the
earrings it's
over it's been over for a long time
doesn't mean anything anymore it was
supposed to piss off the squares the
squares are wearing them
now doesn't mean anything it's just
[ __ ] jewelry unless you have an
earring with a live baby hanging from it
it's just jewelry and I want you to know
I'm in favor of self-mutilation and
personal
disfigurement I've always said there's
nothing like puncturing and Perforating
your skin in a dozen or so places in
order to demonstrate your high
self-esteem when I see a young man
decorating his scalp with a soldering
iron I say there's a happy
guy thinks highly of
himself and haven't we gone a little
overboard with these colored ribbons for
different causes every cause has its own
colored ribbon Now red for AIDS blue for
child abuse pink for breast cancer green
for the rainforest purple for urban
violence I got a brown one you know what
it means eat [ __ ] [ __ ] eat [ __ ]
[ __ ]
[Music]
and what can we do to silence these
Christian athletes who thank Jesus
whenever they win never mention his name
when they lose not a word you never hear
him say Jesus made me drop the
ball the good Lord tripped me up behind
the line of
scrimmage according to these guys Jesus
is undefeated meanwhile these [ __ ]
are in the last place must be another
one of those
Miracles and speaking of delusional
people what about a guy who hears a
voice voice in his head tells him to
kill his entire family so he does it is
this the only thing a voice in the head
ever tells these people to do is to kill
others doesn't a voice ever tell a guy
go take a [ __ ] on the salad bar at
Wendy's doesn't it Bo doesn't Bo tell a
guy to take out his dick on the
merrygoround once in a while well some
guys do take out their dicks on the
merrygoround but usually it's their own
idea something else I can do without
aftershave and cologne and this
disgusting [ __ ] that men put on their
bodies just what I need in the elevator
some guy standing next to me smells like
a [ __ ] pine tree I said go home and
wash you smelly prick you smell like the
urinal in a Portuguese cat
house godamn guys are stupid guys are
really [ __ ] dumb they think they're
going to get laid with this stuff you
know oh yeah they put it on at home oh
boy oh boy I'll get laid tonight I'll
get laid tonight you don't get laid with
green [ __ ] that comes out of a bottle
okay and the only smell that's going to
help you get laid might be your own
natural scent you have pheromones it's a
secondary sex characteristic people in
America all nervous about sex I'm want
to cover that up and disguise it guys in
Europe they know how to live guy gets in
the elevator over there he smells like a
pile of dog
[ __ ] those people are
sophisticated getting pretty tired of
these guys walking around in cowboy hats
and cowboy boots you ever see these Jack
offs can't we kill some of these
[ __ ] walking on a [ __ ]
cowboy hat grown man it's not even
Halloween for Christ
sakes I say hey Tex grow up and get
yourself a wardrobe consistent with the
century you're living
in why do certain men feel the need to
dress up as Mythic figures you don't see
anyone walking around in a pirate
costume do you when's the last guy you
ran into hadot on a viking
outfit make believe Cowboys closest they
ever got to a cows when they stop to
take a piss at an Arby's
and
camcorders here is technology gone
berserk everywhere you go now there's
some dick some yo-yo some
putts with a camcorder and he is going
to tape
everything doesn't anyone in this
country just stop and look at things
anymore sort of take them in maybe even
remember them is that just a strange
notion does it does experience have to
be documented and brought home and saved
on a shelf and do people really watch
this [ __ ] are people's lives so bankrupt
they sit at home looking at things they
already
did these guys are so intense you know
it's always guys they won't let women
touch the cameras it's a highly
technical
skill look through a hole push on a
button big skill and they're they all
think they're Federico felini ever seen
in
here low angles zooms and pans and it's
the same ugly three children in every
goddamn
shot all the George Lucas magic in
Hollywood is not going to change the
unfortunate genetic configuration on the
faces of these children keep these
unfortunate youngsters out of public
[Applause]
view
now a lot of these hold on a
sec a lot of these cultural crimes I've
been complaining about can be blamed on
the Baby Boomers something else I'm a
little tired of hearing about the Baby
Boomers whiny narcissistic
self-indulgent people with a simple
philosophy give me it it's mine give me
that it's
mine these people were given everything
everything was handed to them and they
took it all took it all sex drugs and
rock and roll and they stayed loaded for
20 years and had a free ride but now
they're staring down the barrel of
middle-aged burnout and they don't like
it they don't like it so they turned
self-right
and they want to make things hard on
younger people they tell them abstain
from sex say no to drugs as for the rock
and roll they sold that for television
commercials a long time ago so they
could buy pasta machines and stair
Masters and soybean
Futures
Sobe
Futures you know
something they're cold bloodless people
it's in their slogans it's in their
rhetoric no pain no gain just do it life
is short play hard [ __ ] happens deal
with it get a life these people went
from Do Your Own Thing to just say no
they went from Love is All You Need to
whoever winds up with the most toys wins
and they went from cocaine to
Rane and you know something they're
still counting grams only now it's fat
Gams and the worst of it is the rest of
us have to watch these commercials on TV
for Levi's loose fitting jeans and fat
ass Docker
pants because these degenerate yepy
Boomer [ __ ] couldn't keep their
hands off the crance and the hogendas
and their big fat asses have spread all
over and they have to wear fat ass
Docker pants [ __ ] these Boomers [ __ ]
these yuppies and [ __ ] everybody now
that I think of it
Fu
well sometimes in comedy you have to
generalize now there's one thing you
might have noticed I don't complain
about
politicians everybody complains about
politicians everybody says they suck
yeah well where do people think these
politicians come from they don't fall
out of the sky they don't pass through a
membrane from another reality they come
from American parents and American
families American Homes American schools
American churches American businesses
and American universities and they're
elected by American citizens this is the
best we can do folks this is what we
have to offer it's what our system
produces garbage in garbage out if you
have selfish ignorant citizens if you
have selfish ignorant citizens you're
going to get selfish ignorant leaders
and term limits ain't going to do you
any good you're just going to wind up
with a brand new bunch of selfish
ignorant Americans so maybe maybe maybe
it's not the politicians who suck maybe
something else sucks around here like
the
public yeah the public sucks there's a
nice campaign slogan for somebody the
public sucks [ __ ] hope [ __ ]
hope because if it's really just the
fault of these politicians then where
are all the other bright people of
conscience where are all the bright
honest intelligent Americans ready to
step in and save the nation and lead the
way we don't have people like that in
this country everybody's at the mall
scratching his ass picking his nose
taking his credit card out of his fanny
pack and buying a pair of sneakers with
lights in
them so I have solved this little
political dilemma for myself in a very
simple way on Election Day I stay home I
don't vote [ __ ] them [ __ ]
I don't vote two reasons two reasons I
don't vote first of all it's meaningless
this country was bought and sold and
paid for a long time ago the [ __ ] they
Shuffle around every four
years doesn't mean a [ __ ]
thing and secondly I don't vote cuz I
believe if you vote you have no right to
complain people like to twist that
around I know they say they say well if
you don't vote you have no right to
complain but where's the logic in that
if if you vote and you elect dishonest
incompetent people and they get into
office and screw everything up well you
are responsible for what they have done
you caused the problem you voted them in
you have no right to complain I on the
other
hand who did not vote who did not vote
who in fact did not even leave the house
on Election
Day am in no way responsible for what
these people have done and have every
right to complain as loud as I want
about the mess you created that I had
nothing to do with so I know that a
little later on this year you're going
to have another one of those really
swell presidential elections that you
like so much you'll enjoy yourselves
it'll be a lot of fun I'm sure as soon
as the election is over your country
will improve immediately as for me I'll
be home on that day doing essentially
the same thing as you the only
difference is when I get finish
masturbating I'm going to have a little
something to show for it folks thank you
very much
oh