WEBVTT

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something else I don't understand

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motivation tapes motivation books what

00:00:05.278 --> 00:00:08.039
happened here suddenly everybody needs

00:00:06.480 --> 00:00:09.280
to be motivated it's a fairly simple

00:00:08.039 --> 00:00:11.199
thing you want to do something or you

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don't what's the big mystery besides if

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you're motivated enough to go to the

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store to buy a motivation book aren't

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you motivated enough to do that so you

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don't need the book put it back tell the

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clerk [ __ ] you I'm motivated I'm going

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home I'm going

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home and can anyone explain to me the

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need for 1H hour photo

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finishing you just saw the [ __ ]

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thing how how can you possibly be

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nostalgic about a concept like a little

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while

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ago another complaint too many vehicles

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there are some families in this country

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own entirely too many vehicles you see

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them on the high way and an RV well

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that's not enough for them RV is not

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enough behind them they're towing a

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motorboat go-kart dune buggy dirt bike

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jet ski snowmobile parale hang glider

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wind surfing equipment a hot air balloon

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and a small two-man deep sea diving

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bell doesn't anyone just take a [ __ ]

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walk

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anymore the only thing these people lack

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is a lunar Excursion module too many

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choices America it's not

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healthy another abomination white guys

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over 10 years of age who wear their

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baseball hats

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backwards

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listen listen

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to white guys let me tell you something

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you're never going to be as cool as

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black guys it's not going to happen

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you're white and you're

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lame it's a [ __ ] law of

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nature turning your hat around and

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learning a complicated handshake will

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not make you cool and you black guys

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since you started the whole thing I'm

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going to let you stay with the hats a

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little bit longer but I think really

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once you qualify for Social Security

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it's time to spin that [ __ ]

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around to the front again

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right another tip another tip for the

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men the earrings the thing with the

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earrings it's

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over it's been over for a long time

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doesn't mean anything anymore it was

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supposed to piss off the squares the

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squares are wearing them

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now doesn't mean anything it's just

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[ __ ] jewelry unless you have an

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earring with a live baby hanging from it

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it's just jewelry and I want you to know

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I'm in favor of self-mutilation and

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personal

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disfigurement I've always said there's

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nothing like puncturing and Perforating

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your skin in a dozen or so places in

00:02:53.639 --> 00:02:57.919
order to demonstrate your high

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self-esteem when I see a young man

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decorating his scalp with a soldering

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iron I say there's a happy

00:03:02.598 --> 00:03:08.318
guy thinks highly of

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himself and haven't we gone a little

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overboard with these colored ribbons for

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different causes every cause has its own

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colored ribbon Now red for AIDS blue for

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child abuse pink for breast cancer green

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for the rainforest purple for urban

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violence I got a brown one you know what

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it means eat [ __ ] [ __ ] eat [ __ ]

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[ __ ]

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[Music]

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and what can we do to silence these

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Christian athletes who thank Jesus

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whenever they win never mention his name

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when they lose not a word you never hear

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him say Jesus made me drop the

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ball the good Lord tripped me up behind

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the line of

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scrimmage according to these guys Jesus

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is undefeated meanwhile these [ __ ]

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are in the last place must be another

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one of those

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Miracles and speaking of delusional

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people what about a guy who hears a

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voice voice in his head tells him to

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kill his entire family so he does it is

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this the only thing a voice in the head

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ever tells these people to do is to kill

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others doesn't a voice ever tell a guy

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go take a [ __ ] on the salad bar at

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Wendy's doesn't it Bo doesn't Bo tell a

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guy to take out his dick on the

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merrygoround once in a while well some

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guys do take out their dicks on the

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merrygoround but usually it's their own

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idea something else I can do without

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aftershave and cologne and this

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disgusting [ __ ] that men put on their

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bodies just what I need in the elevator

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some guy standing next to me smells like

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a [ __ ] pine tree I said go home and

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wash you smelly prick you smell like the

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urinal in a Portuguese cat

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house godamn guys are stupid guys are

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really [ __ ] dumb they think they're

00:04:51.038 --> 00:04:53.839
going to get laid with this stuff you

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know oh yeah they put it on at home oh

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boy oh boy I'll get laid tonight I'll

00:04:55.000 --> 00:04:58.478
get laid tonight you don't get laid with

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green [ __ ] that comes out of a bottle

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okay and the only smell that's going to

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help you get laid might be your own

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natural scent you have pheromones it's a

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secondary sex characteristic people in

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America all nervous about sex I'm want

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to cover that up and disguise it guys in

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Europe they know how to live guy gets in

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the elevator over there he smells like a

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pile of dog

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[ __ ] those people are

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sophisticated getting pretty tired of

00:05:23.160 --> 00:05:26.800
these guys walking around in cowboy hats

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and cowboy boots you ever see these Jack

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offs can't we kill some of these

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[ __ ] walking on a [ __ ]

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cowboy hat grown man it's not even

00:05:32.439 --> 00:05:37.478
Halloween for Christ

00:05:34.759 --> 00:05:39.400
sakes I say hey Tex grow up and get

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yourself a wardrobe consistent with the

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century you're living

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in why do certain men feel the need to

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dress up as Mythic figures you don't see

00:05:46.478 --> 00:05:50.399
anyone walking around in a pirate

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costume do you when's the last guy you

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ran into hadot on a viking

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outfit make believe Cowboys closest they

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ever got to a cows when they stop to

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take a piss at an Arby's

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and

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camcorders here is technology gone

00:06:07.000 --> 00:06:13.399
berserk everywhere you go now there's

00:06:09.120 --> 00:06:16.759
some dick some yo-yo some

00:06:13.399 --> 00:06:19.079
putts with a camcorder and he is going

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to tape

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everything doesn't anyone in this

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country just stop and look at things

00:06:23.279 --> 00:06:30.559
anymore sort of take them in maybe even

00:06:27.598 --> 00:06:32.319
remember them is that just a strange

00:06:30.560 --> 00:06:34.199
notion does it does experience have to

00:06:32.319 --> 00:06:36.080
be documented and brought home and saved

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on a shelf and do people really watch

00:06:36.079 --> 00:06:40.079
this [ __ ] are people's lives so bankrupt

00:06:38.439 --> 00:06:41.360
they sit at home looking at things they

00:06:40.079 --> 00:06:43.879
already

00:06:41.360 --> 00:06:45.280
did these guys are so intense you know

00:06:43.879 --> 00:06:46.598
it's always guys they won't let women

00:06:45.279 --> 00:06:47.679
touch the cameras it's a highly

00:06:46.598 --> 00:06:49.759
technical

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skill look through a hole push on a

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button big skill and they're they all

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think they're Federico felini ever seen

00:06:52.918 --> 00:06:55.079
in

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here low angles zooms and pans and it's

00:06:58.038 --> 00:07:01.759
the same ugly three children in every

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goddamn

00:07:01.759 --> 00:07:06.000
shot all the George Lucas magic in

00:07:04.598 --> 00:07:08.079
Hollywood is not going to change the

00:07:06.000 --> 00:07:10.160
unfortunate genetic configuration on the

00:07:08.079 --> 00:07:12.740
faces of these children keep these

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unfortunate youngsters out of public

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[Applause]

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view

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now a lot of these hold on a

00:07:21.000 --> 00:07:27.000
sec a lot of these cultural crimes I've

00:07:24.759 --> 00:07:29.280
been complaining about can be blamed on

00:07:27.000 --> 00:07:31.759
the Baby Boomers something else I'm a

00:07:29.279 --> 00:07:35.079
little tired of hearing about the Baby

00:07:31.759 --> 00:07:36.840
Boomers whiny narcissistic

00:07:35.079 --> 00:07:39.839
self-indulgent people with a simple

00:07:36.839 --> 00:07:41.000
philosophy give me it it's mine give me

00:07:39.839 --> 00:07:44.478
that it's

00:07:41.000 --> 00:07:46.519
mine these people were given everything

00:07:44.478 --> 00:07:49.038
everything was handed to them and they

00:07:46.519 --> 00:07:50.560
took it all took it all sex drugs and

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rock and roll and they stayed loaded for

00:07:50.560 --> 00:07:54.519
20 years and had a free ride but now

00:07:53.000 --> 00:07:56.959
they're staring down the barrel of

00:07:54.519 --> 00:07:58.799
middle-aged burnout and they don't like

00:07:56.959 --> 00:08:00.198
it they don't like it so they turned

00:07:58.800 --> 00:08:01.560
self-right

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and they want to make things hard on

00:08:01.560 --> 00:08:06.120
younger people they tell them abstain

00:08:03.439 --> 00:08:07.800
from sex say no to drugs as for the rock

00:08:06.120 --> 00:08:10.319
and roll they sold that for television

00:08:07.800 --> 00:08:13.319
commercials a long time ago so they

00:08:10.319 --> 00:08:16.439
could buy pasta machines and stair

00:08:13.319 --> 00:08:17.960
Masters and soybean

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Futures

00:08:17.959 --> 00:08:23.839
Sobe

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Futures you know

00:08:23.959 --> 00:08:28.959
something they're cold bloodless people

00:08:27.519 --> 00:08:32.639
it's in their slogans it's in their

00:08:28.959 --> 00:08:35.598
rhetoric no pain no gain just do it life

00:08:32.639 --> 00:08:37.679
is short play hard [ __ ] happens deal

00:08:35.599 --> 00:08:40.959
with it get a life these people went

00:08:37.679 --> 00:08:42.718
from Do Your Own Thing to just say no

00:08:40.958 --> 00:08:45.319
they went from Love is All You Need to

00:08:42.719 --> 00:08:49.000
whoever winds up with the most toys wins

00:08:45.320 --> 00:08:49.000
and they went from cocaine to

00:08:55.639 --> 00:09:00.919
Rane and you know something they're

00:08:57.720 --> 00:09:03.278
still counting grams only now it's fat

00:09:00.919 --> 00:09:05.599
Gams and the worst of it is the rest of

00:09:03.278 --> 00:09:08.320
us have to watch these commercials on TV

00:09:05.600 --> 00:09:09.839
for Levi's loose fitting jeans and fat

00:09:08.320 --> 00:09:12.600
ass Docker

00:09:09.839 --> 00:09:14.440
pants because these degenerate yepy

00:09:12.600 --> 00:09:17.440
Boomer [ __ ] couldn't keep their

00:09:14.440 --> 00:09:19.200
hands off the crance and the hogendas

00:09:17.440 --> 00:09:20.760
and their big fat asses have spread all

00:09:19.200 --> 00:09:23.759
over and they have to wear fat ass

00:09:20.759 --> 00:09:26.319
Docker pants [ __ ] these Boomers [ __ ]

00:09:23.759 --> 00:09:29.919
these yuppies and [ __ ] everybody now

00:09:26.320 --> 00:09:29.920
that I think of it

00:09:34.759 --> 00:09:37.759
Fu

00:09:38.559 --> 00:09:44.199
well sometimes in comedy you have to

00:09:42.440 --> 00:09:46.600
generalize now there's one thing you

00:09:44.200 --> 00:09:48.360
might have noticed I don't complain

00:09:46.600 --> 00:09:51.399
about

00:09:48.360 --> 00:09:53.639
politicians everybody complains about

00:09:51.399 --> 00:09:55.200
politicians everybody says they suck

00:09:53.639 --> 00:09:57.120
yeah well where do people think these

00:09:55.200 --> 00:09:59.640
politicians come from they don't fall

00:09:57.120 --> 00:10:02.278
out of the sky they don't pass through a

00:09:59.639 --> 00:10:03.879
membrane from another reality they come

00:10:02.278 --> 00:10:05.720
from American parents and American

00:10:03.879 --> 00:10:07.240
families American Homes American schools

00:10:05.720 --> 00:10:08.879
American churches American businesses

00:10:07.240 --> 00:10:11.919
and American universities and they're

00:10:08.879 --> 00:10:15.078
elected by American citizens this is the

00:10:11.919 --> 00:10:17.439
best we can do folks this is what we

00:10:15.078 --> 00:10:21.838
have to offer it's what our system

00:10:17.440 --> 00:10:25.200
produces garbage in garbage out if you

00:10:21.839 --> 00:10:26.839
have selfish ignorant citizens if you

00:10:25.200 --> 00:10:28.600
have selfish ignorant citizens you're

00:10:26.839 --> 00:10:29.800
going to get selfish ignorant leaders

00:10:28.600 --> 00:10:31.000
and term limits ain't going to do you

00:10:29.799 --> 00:10:32.639
any good you're just going to wind up

00:10:31.000 --> 00:10:36.039
with a brand new bunch of selfish

00:10:32.639 --> 00:10:39.120
ignorant Americans so maybe maybe maybe

00:10:36.039 --> 00:10:42.120
it's not the politicians who suck maybe

00:10:39.120 --> 00:10:42.919
something else sucks around here like

00:10:42.120 --> 00:10:45.959
the

00:10:42.919 --> 00:10:49.240
public yeah the public sucks there's a

00:10:45.958 --> 00:10:53.439
nice campaign slogan for somebody the

00:10:49.240 --> 00:10:55.600
public sucks [ __ ] hope [ __ ]

00:10:53.440 --> 00:10:57.320
hope because if it's really just the

00:10:55.600 --> 00:10:59.360
fault of these politicians then where

00:10:57.320 --> 00:11:01.160
are all the other bright people of

00:10:59.360 --> 00:11:02.879
conscience where are all the bright

00:11:01.159 --> 00:11:05.159
honest intelligent Americans ready to

00:11:02.879 --> 00:11:07.480
step in and save the nation and lead the

00:11:05.159 --> 00:11:10.600
way we don't have people like that in

00:11:07.480 --> 00:11:12.440
this country everybody's at the mall

00:11:10.600 --> 00:11:14.240
scratching his ass picking his nose

00:11:12.440 --> 00:11:16.079
taking his credit card out of his fanny

00:11:14.240 --> 00:11:18.759
pack and buying a pair of sneakers with

00:11:16.078 --> 00:11:18.759
lights in

00:11:19.039 --> 00:11:23.039
them so I have solved this little

00:11:21.320 --> 00:11:27.079
political dilemma for myself in a very

00:11:23.039 --> 00:11:30.000
simple way on Election Day I stay home I

00:11:27.078 --> 00:11:33.000
don't vote [ __ ] them [ __ ]

00:11:30.000 --> 00:11:35.679
I don't vote two reasons two reasons I

00:11:33.000 --> 00:11:37.278
don't vote first of all it's meaningless

00:11:35.679 --> 00:11:39.199
this country was bought and sold and

00:11:37.278 --> 00:11:42.320
paid for a long time ago the [ __ ] they

00:11:39.200 --> 00:11:45.240
Shuffle around every four

00:11:42.320 --> 00:11:47.839
years doesn't mean a [ __ ]

00:11:45.240 --> 00:11:51.200
thing and secondly I don't vote cuz I

00:11:47.839 --> 00:11:53.279
believe if you vote you have no right to

00:11:51.200 --> 00:11:55.639
complain people like to twist that

00:11:53.278 --> 00:11:56.879
around I know they say they say well if

00:11:55.639 --> 00:11:59.039
you don't vote you have no right to

00:11:56.879 --> 00:12:01.919
complain but where's the logic in that

00:11:59.039 --> 00:12:03.360
if if you vote and you elect dishonest

00:12:01.919 --> 00:12:05.078
incompetent people and they get into

00:12:03.360 --> 00:12:07.200
office and screw everything up well you

00:12:05.078 --> 00:12:09.078
are responsible for what they have done

00:12:07.200 --> 00:12:12.519
you caused the problem you voted them in

00:12:09.078 --> 00:12:13.919
you have no right to complain I on the

00:12:12.519 --> 00:12:18.278
other

00:12:13.919 --> 00:12:22.120
hand who did not vote who did not vote

00:12:18.278 --> 00:12:23.559
who in fact did not even leave the house

00:12:22.120 --> 00:12:25.919
on Election

00:12:23.559 --> 00:12:26.958
Day am in no way responsible for what

00:12:25.919 --> 00:12:28.198
these people have done and have every

00:12:26.958 --> 00:12:29.799
right to complain as loud as I want

00:12:28.198 --> 00:12:32.679
about the mess you created that I had

00:12:29.799 --> 00:12:33.799
nothing to do with so I know that a

00:12:32.679 --> 00:12:35.159
little later on this year you're going

00:12:33.799 --> 00:12:37.198
to have another one of those really

00:12:35.159 --> 00:12:38.879
swell presidential elections that you

00:12:37.198 --> 00:12:40.599
like so much you'll enjoy yourselves

00:12:38.879 --> 00:12:41.958
it'll be a lot of fun I'm sure as soon

00:12:40.600 --> 00:12:44.519
as the election is over your country

00:12:41.958 --> 00:12:46.278
will improve immediately as for me I'll

00:12:44.519 --> 00:12:48.039
be home on that day doing essentially

00:12:46.278 --> 00:12:49.879
the same thing as you the only

00:12:48.039 --> 00:12:51.759
difference is when I get finish

00:12:49.879 --> 00:12:54.799
masturbating I'm going to have a little

00:12:51.759 --> 00:12:58.039
something to show for it folks thank you

00:12:54.799 --> 00:12:58.039
very much

00:12:59.320 --> 00:13:02.320
oh