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something else I don't understand

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motivation tapes motivation books what

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happened here suddenly everybody needs

4
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to be motivated it's a fairly simple

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thing you want to do something or you

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don't what's the big mystery besides if

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you're motivated enough to go to the

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store to buy a motivation book aren't

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you motivated enough to do that so you

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don't need the book put it back tell the

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clerk [ __ ] you I'm motivated I'm going

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home I'm going

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home and can anyone explain to me the

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need for 1H hour photo

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finishing you just saw the [ __ ]

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thing how how can you possibly be

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nostalgic about a concept like a little

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while

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ago another complaint too many vehicles

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there are some families in this country

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own entirely too many vehicles you see

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them on the high way and an RV well

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that's not enough for them RV is not

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enough behind them they're towing a

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motorboat go-kart dune buggy dirt bike

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jet ski snowmobile parale hang glider

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wind surfing equipment a hot air balloon

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and a small two-man deep sea diving

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bell doesn't anyone just take a [ __ ]

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walk

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anymore the only thing these people lack

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is a lunar Excursion module too many

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choices America it's not

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healthy another abomination white guys

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over 10 years of age who wear their

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baseball hats

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backwards

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listen listen

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to white guys let me tell you something

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you're never going to be as cool as

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black guys it's not going to happen

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you're white and you're

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lame it's a [ __ ] law of

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nature turning your hat around and

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learning a complicated handshake will

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00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:08,919
not make you cool and you black guys

47
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since you started the whole thing I'm

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going to let you stay with the hats a

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little bit longer but I think really

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once you qualify for Social Security

51
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it's time to spin that [ __ ]

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around to the front again

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right another tip another tip for the

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men the earrings the thing with the

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earrings it's

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over it's been over for a long time

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doesn't mean anything anymore it was

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supposed to piss off the squares the

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squares are wearing them

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now doesn't mean anything it's just

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[ __ ] jewelry unless you have an

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earring with a live baby hanging from it

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it's just jewelry and I want you to know

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I'm in favor of self-mutilation and

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personal

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disfigurement I've always said there's

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nothing like puncturing and Perforating

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your skin in a dozen or so places in

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order to demonstrate your high

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self-esteem when I see a young man

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decorating his scalp with a soldering

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iron I say there's a happy

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guy thinks highly of

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himself and haven't we gone a little

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overboard with these colored ribbons for

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different causes every cause has its own

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colored ribbon Now red for AIDS blue for

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child abuse pink for breast cancer green

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for the rainforest purple for urban

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violence I got a brown one you know what

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it means eat [ __ ] [ __ ] eat [ __ ]

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[ __ ]

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[Music]

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and what can we do to silence these

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Christian athletes who thank Jesus

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whenever they win never mention his name

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when they lose not a word you never hear

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him say Jesus made me drop the

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ball the good Lord tripped me up behind

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the line of

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scrimmage according to these guys Jesus

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is undefeated meanwhile these [ __ ]

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are in the last place must be another

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one of those

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Miracles and speaking of delusional

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people what about a guy who hears a

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voice voice in his head tells him to

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kill his entire family so he does it is

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this the only thing a voice in the head

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ever tells these people to do is to kill

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others doesn't a voice ever tell a guy

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go take a [ __ ] on the salad bar at

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Wendy's doesn't it Bo doesn't Bo tell a

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guy to take out his dick on the

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merrygoround once in a while well some

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guys do take out their dicks on the

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merrygoround but usually it's their own

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idea something else I can do without

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aftershave and cologne and this

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disgusting [ __ ] that men put on their

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bodies just what I need in the elevator

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some guy standing next to me smells like

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a [ __ ] pine tree I said go home and

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wash you smelly prick you smell like the

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urinal in a Portuguese cat

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house godamn guys are stupid guys are

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really [ __ ] dumb they think they're

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going to get laid with this stuff you

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know oh yeah they put it on at home oh

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boy oh boy I'll get laid tonight I'll

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get laid tonight you don't get laid with

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green [ __ ] that comes out of a bottle

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okay and the only smell that's going to

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help you get laid might be your own

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natural scent you have pheromones it's a

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secondary sex characteristic people in

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America all nervous about sex I'm want

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to cover that up and disguise it guys in

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Europe they know how to live guy gets in

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the elevator over there he smells like a

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pile of dog

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[ __ ] those people are

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sophisticated getting pretty tired of

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these guys walking around in cowboy hats

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and cowboy boots you ever see these Jack

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offs can't we kill some of these

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[ __ ] walking on a [ __ ]

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cowboy hat grown man it's not even

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Halloween for Christ

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sakes I say hey Tex grow up and get

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yourself a wardrobe consistent with the

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century you're living

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in why do certain men feel the need to

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dress up as Mythic figures you don't see

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anyone walking around in a pirate

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costume do you when's the last guy you

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ran into hadot on a viking

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outfit make believe Cowboys closest they

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ever got to a cows when they stop to

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take a piss at an Arby's

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and

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camcorders here is technology gone

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berserk everywhere you go now there's

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some dick some yo-yo some

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putts with a camcorder and he is going

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to tape

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everything doesn't anyone in this

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country just stop and look at things

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anymore sort of take them in maybe even

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remember them is that just a strange

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notion does it does experience have to

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be documented and brought home and saved

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on a shelf and do people really watch

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this [ __ ] are people's lives so bankrupt

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they sit at home looking at things they

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already

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did these guys are so intense you know

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it's always guys they won't let women

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touch the cameras it's a highly

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technical

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skill look through a hole push on a

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button big skill and they're they all

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think they're Federico felini ever seen

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in

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here low angles zooms and pans and it's

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the same ugly three children in every

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goddamn

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shot all the George Lucas magic in

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Hollywood is not going to change the

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unfortunate genetic configuration on the

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faces of these children keep these

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unfortunate youngsters out of public

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[Applause]

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view

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now a lot of these hold on a

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sec a lot of these cultural crimes I've

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been complaining about can be blamed on

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the Baby Boomers something else I'm a

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little tired of hearing about the Baby

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Boomers whiny narcissistic

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self-indulgent people with a simple

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philosophy give me it it's mine give me

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that it's

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mine these people were given everything

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everything was handed to them and they

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took it all took it all sex drugs and

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rock and roll and they stayed loaded for

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20 years and had a free ride but now

199
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they're staring down the barrel of

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middle-aged burnout and they don't like

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it they don't like it so they turned

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self-right

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and they want to make things hard on

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younger people they tell them abstain

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from sex say no to drugs as for the rock

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and roll they sold that for television

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commercials a long time ago so they

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could buy pasta machines and stair

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Masters and soybean

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Futures

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Sobe

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Futures you know

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something they're cold bloodless people

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it's in their slogans it's in their

215
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rhetoric no pain no gain just do it life

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is short play hard [ __ ] happens deal

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with it get a life these people went

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from Do Your Own Thing to just say no

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they went from Love is All You Need to

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whoever winds up with the most toys wins

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and they went from cocaine to

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Rane and you know something they're

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still counting grams only now it's fat

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Gams and the worst of it is the rest of

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us have to watch these commercials on TV

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for Levi's loose fitting jeans and fat

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ass Docker

228
00:09:09,839 --> 00:09:14,440
pants because these degenerate yepy

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Boomer [ __ ] couldn't keep their

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hands off the crance and the hogendas

231
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and their big fat asses have spread all

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over and they have to wear fat ass

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Docker pants [ __ ] these Boomers [ __ ]

234
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these yuppies and [ __ ] everybody now

235
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that I think of it

236
00:09:34,759 --> 00:09:37,759
Fu

237
00:09:38,559 --> 00:09:44,199
well sometimes in comedy you have to

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00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:46,600
generalize now there's one thing you

239
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:48,360
might have noticed I don't complain

240
00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:51,399
about

241
00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:53,639
politicians everybody complains about

242
00:09:51,399 --> 00:09:55,200
politicians everybody says they suck

243
00:09:53,639 --> 00:09:57,120
yeah well where do people think these

244
00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:59,640
politicians come from they don't fall

245
00:09:57,120 --> 00:10:02,278
out of the sky they don't pass through a

246
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membrane from another reality they come

247
00:10:02,278 --> 00:10:05,720
from American parents and American

248
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families American Homes American schools

249
00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:08,879
American churches American businesses

250
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:11,919
and American universities and they're

251
00:10:08,879 --> 00:10:15,078
elected by American citizens this is the

252
00:10:11,919 --> 00:10:17,439
best we can do folks this is what we

253
00:10:15,078 --> 00:10:21,838
have to offer it's what our system

254
00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:25,200
produces garbage in garbage out if you

255
00:10:21,839 --> 00:10:26,839
have selfish ignorant citizens if you

256
00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:28,600
have selfish ignorant citizens you're

257
00:10:26,839 --> 00:10:29,800
going to get selfish ignorant leaders

258
00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:31,000
and term limits ain't going to do you

259
00:10:29,799 --> 00:10:32,639
any good you're just going to wind up

260
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:36,039
with a brand new bunch of selfish

261
00:10:32,639 --> 00:10:39,120
ignorant Americans so maybe maybe maybe

262
00:10:36,039 --> 00:10:42,120
it's not the politicians who suck maybe

263
00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:42,919
something else sucks around here like

264
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the

265
00:10:42,919 --> 00:10:49,240
public yeah the public sucks there's a

266
00:10:45,958 --> 00:10:53,439
nice campaign slogan for somebody the

267
00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:55,600
public sucks [ __ ] hope [ __ ]

268
00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:57,320
hope because if it's really just the

269
00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:59,360
fault of these politicians then where

270
00:10:57,320 --> 00:11:01,160
are all the other bright people of

271
00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:02,879
conscience where are all the bright

272
00:11:01,159 --> 00:11:05,159
honest intelligent Americans ready to

273
00:11:02,879 --> 00:11:07,480
step in and save the nation and lead the

274
00:11:05,159 --> 00:11:10,600
way we don't have people like that in

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this country everybody's at the mall

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scratching his ass picking his nose

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taking his credit card out of his fanny

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pack and buying a pair of sneakers with

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lights in

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them so I have solved this little

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political dilemma for myself in a very

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simple way on Election Day I stay home I

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don't vote [ __ ] them [ __ ]

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I don't vote two reasons two reasons I

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don't vote first of all it's meaningless

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this country was bought and sold and

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paid for a long time ago the [ __ ] they

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Shuffle around every four

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years doesn't mean a [ __ ]

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thing and secondly I don't vote cuz I

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believe if you vote you have no right to

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complain people like to twist that

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around I know they say they say well if

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you don't vote you have no right to

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complain but where's the logic in that

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if if you vote and you elect dishonest

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incompetent people and they get into

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office and screw everything up well you

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are responsible for what they have done

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you caused the problem you voted them in

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you have no right to complain I on the

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other

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hand who did not vote who did not vote

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who in fact did not even leave the house

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on Election

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Day am in no way responsible for what

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these people have done and have every

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right to complain as loud as I want

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about the mess you created that I had

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nothing to do with so I know that a

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little later on this year you're going

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to have another one of those really

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swell presidential elections that you

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like so much you'll enjoy yourselves

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it'll be a lot of fun I'm sure as soon

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as the election is over your country

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will improve immediately as for me I'll

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be home on that day doing essentially

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the same thing as you the only

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difference is when I get finish

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masturbating I'm going to have a little

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something to show for it folks thank you

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very much

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oh