[00:01] something else I don't understand
[00:02] motivation tapes motivation books what
[00:05] happened here suddenly everybody needs
[00:06] to be motivated it's a fairly simple
[00:08] thing you want to do something or you
[00:09] don't what's the big mystery besides if
[00:11] you're motivated enough to go to the
[00:12] store to buy a motivation book aren't
[00:13] you motivated enough to do that so you
[00:15] don't need the book put it back tell the
[00:16] clerk [ __ ] you I'm motivated I'm going
[00:18] home I'm going
[00:28] home and can anyone explain to me the
[00:31] need for 1H hour photo
[00:33] finishing you just saw the [ __ ]
[00:41] thing how how can you possibly be
[00:44] nostalgic about a concept like a little
[00:46] while
[00:51] ago another complaint too many vehicles
[00:55] there are some families in this country
[00:56] own entirely too many vehicles you see
[00:59] them on the high way and an RV well
[01:01] that's not enough for them RV is not
[01:02] enough behind them they're towing a
[01:04] motorboat go-kart dune buggy dirt bike
[01:07] jet ski snowmobile parale hang glider
[01:09] wind surfing equipment a hot air balloon
[01:11] and a small two-man deep sea diving
[01:14] bell doesn't anyone just take a [ __ ]
[01:17] walk
[01:18] anymore the only thing these people lack
[01:20] is a lunar Excursion module too many
[01:23] choices America it's not
[01:27] healthy another abomination white guys
[01:31] over 10 years of age who wear their
[01:34] baseball hats
[01:37] backwards
[01:39] listen listen
[01:43] to white guys let me tell you something
[01:47] you're never going to be as cool as
[01:49] black guys it's not going to happen
[01:52] you're white and you're
[01:57] lame it's a [ __ ] law of
[02:01] nature turning your hat around and
[02:03] learning a complicated handshake will
[02:05] not make you cool and you black guys
[02:07] since you started the whole thing I'm
[02:08] going to let you stay with the hats a
[02:10] little bit longer but I think really
[02:11] once you qualify for Social Security
[02:13] it's time to spin that [ __ ]
[02:14] around to the front again
[02:21] right another tip another tip for the
[02:24] men the earrings the thing with the
[02:26] earrings it's
[02:27] over it's been over for a long time
[02:30] doesn't mean anything anymore it was
[02:32] supposed to piss off the squares the
[02:35] squares are wearing them
[02:36] now doesn't mean anything it's just
[02:39] [ __ ] jewelry unless you have an
[02:40] earring with a live baby hanging from it
[02:43] it's just jewelry and I want you to know
[02:45] I'm in favor of self-mutilation and
[02:47] personal
[02:48] disfigurement I've always said there's
[02:50] nothing like puncturing and Perforating
[02:52] your skin in a dozen or so places in
[02:53] order to demonstrate your high
[02:55] self-esteem when I see a young man
[02:57] decorating his scalp with a soldering
[02:59] iron I say there's a happy
[03:02] guy thinks highly of
[03:06] himself and haven't we gone a little
[03:08] overboard with these colored ribbons for
[03:10] different causes every cause has its own
[03:12] colored ribbon Now red for AIDS blue for
[03:14] child abuse pink for breast cancer green
[03:16] for the rainforest purple for urban
[03:18] violence I got a brown one you know what
[03:19] it means eat [ __ ] [ __ ] eat [ __ ]
[03:22] [ __ ]
[03:30] [Music]
[03:32] and what can we do to silence these
[03:34] Christian athletes who thank Jesus
[03:37] whenever they win never mention his name
[03:39] when they lose not a word you never hear
[03:41] him say Jesus made me drop the
[03:43] ball the good Lord tripped me up behind
[03:46] the line of
[03:47] scrimmage according to these guys Jesus
[03:49] is undefeated meanwhile these [ __ ]
[03:51] are in the last place must be another
[03:54] one of those
[03:56] Miracles and speaking of delusional
[03:58] people what about a guy who hears a
[03:59] voice voice in his head tells him to
[04:00] kill his entire family so he does it is
[04:02] this the only thing a voice in the head
[04:03] ever tells these people to do is to kill
[04:05] others doesn't a voice ever tell a guy
[04:07] go take a [ __ ] on the salad bar at
[04:12] Wendy's doesn't it Bo doesn't Bo tell a
[04:15] guy to take out his dick on the
[04:16] merrygoround once in a while well some
[04:19] guys do take out their dicks on the
[04:20] merrygoround but usually it's their own
[04:27] idea something else I can do without
[04:29] aftershave and cologne and this
[04:32] disgusting [ __ ] that men put on their
[04:34] bodies just what I need in the elevator
[04:36] some guy standing next to me smells like
[04:37] a [ __ ] pine tree I said go home and
[04:40] wash you smelly prick you smell like the
[04:44] urinal in a Portuguese cat
[04:46] house godamn guys are stupid guys are
[04:49] really [ __ ] dumb they think they're
[04:51] going to get laid with this stuff you
[04:52] know oh yeah they put it on at home oh
[04:53] boy oh boy I'll get laid tonight I'll
[04:55] get laid tonight you don't get laid with
[04:56] green [ __ ] that comes out of a bottle
[04:58] okay and the only smell that's going to
[05:00] help you get laid might be your own
[05:01] natural scent you have pheromones it's a
[05:04] secondary sex characteristic people in
[05:06] America all nervous about sex I'm want
[05:08] to cover that up and disguise it guys in
[05:09] Europe they know how to live guy gets in
[05:11] the elevator over there he smells like a
[05:12] pile of dog
[05:14] [ __ ] those people are
[05:21] sophisticated getting pretty tired of
[05:23] these guys walking around in cowboy hats
[05:25] and cowboy boots you ever see these Jack
[05:26] offs can't we kill some of these
[05:28] [ __ ] walking on a [ __ ]
[05:30] cowboy hat grown man it's not even
[05:32] Halloween for Christ
[05:34] sakes I say hey Tex grow up and get
[05:37] yourself a wardrobe consistent with the
[05:39] century you're living
[05:41] in why do certain men feel the need to
[05:43] dress up as Mythic figures you don't see
[05:46] anyone walking around in a pirate
[05:47] costume do you when's the last guy you
[05:50] ran into hadot on a viking
[05:52] outfit make believe Cowboys closest they
[05:55] ever got to a cows when they stop to
[05:56] take a piss at an Arby's
[06:02] and
[06:03] camcorders here is technology gone
[06:07] berserk everywhere you go now there's
[06:09] some dick some yo-yo some
[06:13] putts with a camcorder and he is going
[06:16] to tape
[06:19] everything doesn't anyone in this
[06:21] country just stop and look at things
[06:23] anymore sort of take them in maybe even
[06:27] remember them is that just a strange
[06:30] notion does it does experience have to
[06:32] be documented and brought home and saved
[06:34] on a shelf and do people really watch
[06:36] this [ __ ] are people's lives so bankrupt
[06:38] they sit at home looking at things they
[06:40] already
[06:41] did these guys are so intense you know
[06:43] it's always guys they won't let women
[06:45] touch the cameras it's a highly
[06:46] technical
[06:47] skill look through a hole push on a
[06:49] button big skill and they're they all
[06:51] think they're Federico felini ever seen
[06:52] in
[06:55] here low angles zooms and pans and it's
[06:58] the same ugly three children in every
[07:00] goddamn
[07:01] shot all the George Lucas magic in
[07:04] Hollywood is not going to change the
[07:06] unfortunate genetic configuration on the
[07:08] faces of these children keep these
[07:10] unfortunate youngsters out of public
[07:12] [Applause]
[07:14] view
[07:17] now a lot of these hold on a
[07:21] sec a lot of these cultural crimes I've
[07:24] been complaining about can be blamed on
[07:27] the Baby Boomers something else I'm a
[07:29] little tired of hearing about the Baby
[07:31] Boomers whiny narcissistic
[07:35] self-indulgent people with a simple
[07:36] philosophy give me it it's mine give me
[07:39] that it's
[07:41] mine these people were given everything
[07:44] everything was handed to them and they
[07:46] took it all took it all sex drugs and
[07:49] rock and roll and they stayed loaded for
[07:50] 20 years and had a free ride but now
[07:53] they're staring down the barrel of
[07:54] middle-aged burnout and they don't like
[07:56] it they don't like it so they turned
[07:58] self-right
[08:00] and they want to make things hard on
[08:01] younger people they tell them abstain
[08:03] from sex say no to drugs as for the rock
[08:06] and roll they sold that for television
[08:07] commercials a long time ago so they
[08:10] could buy pasta machines and stair
[08:13] Masters and soybean
[08:16] Futures
[08:17] Sobe
[08:20] Futures you know
[08:23] something they're cold bloodless people
[08:27] it's in their slogans it's in their
[08:28] rhetoric no pain no gain just do it life
[08:32] is short play hard [ __ ] happens deal
[08:35] with it get a life these people went
[08:37] from Do Your Own Thing to just say no
[08:40] they went from Love is All You Need to
[08:42] whoever winds up with the most toys wins
[08:45] and they went from cocaine to
[08:55] Rane and you know something they're
[08:57] still counting grams only now it's fat
[09:00] Gams and the worst of it is the rest of
[09:03] us have to watch these commercials on TV
[09:05] for Levi's loose fitting jeans and fat
[09:08] ass Docker
[09:09] pants because these degenerate yepy
[09:12] Boomer [ __ ] couldn't keep their
[09:14] hands off the crance and the hogendas
[09:17] and their big fat asses have spread all
[09:19] over and they have to wear fat ass
[09:20] Docker pants [ __ ] these Boomers [ __ ]
[09:23] these yuppies and [ __ ] everybody now
[09:26] that I think of it
[09:34] Fu
[09:38] well sometimes in comedy you have to
[09:42] generalize now there's one thing you
[09:44] might have noticed I don't complain
[09:46] about
[09:48] politicians everybody complains about
[09:51] politicians everybody says they suck
[09:53] yeah well where do people think these
[09:55] politicians come from they don't fall
[09:57] out of the sky they don't pass through a
[09:59] membrane from another reality they come
[10:02] from American parents and American
[10:03] families American Homes American schools
[10:05] American churches American businesses
[10:07] and American universities and they're
[10:08] elected by American citizens this is the
[10:11] best we can do folks this is what we
[10:15] have to offer it's what our system
[10:17] produces garbage in garbage out if you
[10:21] have selfish ignorant citizens if you
[10:25] have selfish ignorant citizens you're
[10:26] going to get selfish ignorant leaders
[10:28] and term limits ain't going to do you
[10:29] any good you're just going to wind up
[10:31] with a brand new bunch of selfish
[10:32] ignorant Americans so maybe maybe maybe
[10:36] it's not the politicians who suck maybe
[10:39] something else sucks around here like
[10:42] the
[10:42] public yeah the public sucks there's a
[10:45] nice campaign slogan for somebody the
[10:49] public sucks [ __ ] hope [ __ ]
[10:53] hope because if it's really just the
[10:55] fault of these politicians then where
[10:57] are all the other bright people of
[10:59] conscience where are all the bright
[11:01] honest intelligent Americans ready to
[11:02] step in and save the nation and lead the
[11:05] way we don't have people like that in
[11:07] this country everybody's at the mall
[11:10] scratching his ass picking his nose
[11:12] taking his credit card out of his fanny
[11:14] pack and buying a pair of sneakers with
[11:16] lights in
[11:19] them so I have solved this little
[11:21] political dilemma for myself in a very
[11:23] simple way on Election Day I stay home I
[11:27] don't vote [ __ ] them [ __ ]
[11:30] I don't vote two reasons two reasons I
[11:33] don't vote first of all it's meaningless
[11:35] this country was bought and sold and
[11:37] paid for a long time ago the [ __ ] they
[11:39] Shuffle around every four
[11:42] years doesn't mean a [ __ ]
[11:45] thing and secondly I don't vote cuz I
[11:47] believe if you vote you have no right to
[11:51] complain people like to twist that
[11:53] around I know they say they say well if
[11:55] you don't vote you have no right to
[11:56] complain but where's the logic in that
[11:59] if if you vote and you elect dishonest
[12:01] incompetent people and they get into
[12:03] office and screw everything up well you
[12:05] are responsible for what they have done
[12:07] you caused the problem you voted them in
[12:09] you have no right to complain I on the
[12:12] other
[12:13] hand who did not vote who did not vote
[12:18] who in fact did not even leave the house
[12:22] on Election
[12:23] Day am in no way responsible for what
[12:25] these people have done and have every
[12:26] right to complain as loud as I want
[12:28] about the mess you created that I had
[12:29] nothing to do with so I know that a
[12:32] little later on this year you're going
[12:33] to have another one of those really
[12:35] swell presidential elections that you
[12:37] like so much you'll enjoy yourselves
[12:38] it'll be a lot of fun I'm sure as soon
[12:40] as the election is over your country
[12:41] will improve immediately as for me I'll
[12:44] be home on that day doing essentially
[12:46] the same thing as you the only
[12:48] difference is when I get finish
[12:49] masturbating I'm going to have a little
[12:51] something to show for it folks thank you
[12:54] very much
[12:59] oh