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7:06
Robin Williams: History of Religion | Live on Broadway (2002)
Official Robin Williams
·
May 9, 2026
Open on YouTube
Transcript
0:00
because I don't understand the whole
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fundamentalist thing. You see, I'm I'm
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an Episcopal. That's Catholic light.
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It's kind of like same religion, half
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the guilt. It's frightening.
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You know, Catholics have confession.
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Episcopals have Thanksgiving. Your dad
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has a couple of gin and tonics.
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0:17
I ain't never loved your mother. You
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know that, don't you?
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No, I didn't, Dad. And she's right
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there. Tell her again
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because you have to realize the
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Episcopal is basically Church of England
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which was Henry VII breaking away from
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the Catholic Church going I'm the
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[ __ ] pope now. Haha.
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He broke away and then people broke away
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0:37
from that church. They were Calvinists.
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They found him to be too loose. And then
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they were the people who broke away from
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the Calvinist. They were the Puritans.
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Our ancestors. People so uptight the
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English kicked them out.
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How [ __ ] anal do you have to be for
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the English to go get the [ __ ] out?
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No. Take your pimp shoes and go.
0:58
And they land here in America going,
1:00
"Hello. We bring you guilt, civilis, and
1:02
alcohol.
1:04
I hope you don't mind. Here, chief. Try
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this. And once you drunk it, just keep
1:08
moving till your feathers float. There
1:09
you go." And the Indians go, "Oh, but we
1:12
have a gift for you. For us, it's a
1:14
sacred herb, but for you, it'll be an
1:16
addictive carcinogen. I hope you enjoy
1:17
it.
1:18
Tobacco is a lot of fun
1:21
and a good cash crop in
1:28
[Applause]
1:30
seven.
1:33
Welcome to Custers, a casino that cares.
1:37
This is my wife sits with a full house.
1:40
It is now time for the white man to get
1:42
drunk and we will get back the land you
1:44
took from us. Thank you. Here's the
1:47
thing. All those people, the Puritans,
1:50
they stayed here and then their groups
1:51
broke away from them. And then you get
1:53
the people that really become severe and
1:54
the people who knock on your door at
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6:30 in the morning on Sunday going,
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"Have you found Jesus?"
2:00
And you just want to come to the door
2:01
nude and go, "No, help me look for him.
2:03
Come on."
2:05
Yeah.
2:09
You get people like Pat Robertson and
2:10
Jerry Fwell said, "This was brought upon
2:12
us by our sinful ways. I want to put him
2:14
on a plane, take him over to the
2:15
Ayatollah, and have worldwide
2:17
fundamentalist wrestling.
2:19
One time only, a life after death match
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for all of our souls. Let's get ready to
2:24
humble
2:26
because here's the drill.
2:28
Fundamentalists take it to be the word,
2:30
not translatable, not metaphorical, the
2:32
word. In the beginning, Genesis, let
2:34
there be light. Could that be a metaphor
2:35
for the Big Bang?
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>> No. God just went click.
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So, you're saying we're all descended
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from Adam and Eve, then we're all
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cousins. That's right.
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Here's the thing. There are miracles,
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though. There's miracles in the Bible,
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like when Moses, and I'm not talking
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guns in Moses. No, I'm not talking not
2:57
Charlton H going, "Let the Jews go and
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the Pharaoh gets two in the head." No.
3:02
Charlton H, a man who said, "Guns don't
3:04
kill people. Apes with guns kill
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people."
3:08
>> No, Chucky. No, second amendment. It
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started off it was muzzle loaders,
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people going like this, and this still
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continues. That's okay. But I'm talking
3:16
about the time Moses said to Pharaoh,
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"Let my people go." And Pharaoh went,
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"In your dreams." And Moses called to
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God going, "God, they need some help."
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And frogs fell from the sky. Maybe they
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fell from the sky. Or maybe they were
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Jews with catapults going, "Now."
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And thank God it was the Egyptians and
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not the French cuz the French would go
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lunch. Okay. Why should we let you go?
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You great caterers. I can't let you go,
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you crazy people.
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But frogs fell from the sky. At that
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point, I'd be going, "Get your [ __ ] out.
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Frogs." I said, "Wait a minute. That's
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what we should do. That's what we should
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drop on Afghanistan. Not bombs, not
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food. [ __ ] frogs. Frogs, lizards,
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hamsters, gerbles, [ __ ] they haven't
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seen.
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And if you want to get people out of
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caves, a shitload of New York rats."
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Oh, baby. You know,
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New York rats would be going, "Hey, come
4:11
on, spray.
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I eat [ __ ] literally bring it on."
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But that's what they dropped then. And
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even then, Pharaoh was not plus you. Oh,
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please. David Copperfield. No. And then
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boils and then firstborn dies. That's
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it. Hebrews get out. And everybody bes
4:30
everybody. Hello. Let's not wait for the
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bread to rise. Just take the crackers
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and the skin off your penis. We're
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leaving. Excuse
4:38
me. Why the skin off a penis? We're
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traveling people. You don't want sand in
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there. Let's go.
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And this is so pass the dicky thing.
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Forget it. Let's move. We're going
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through the desert. And then they get
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the ten commandments which be adjusted
4:51
by certain presidents. That happens
4:52
later. And they get to the red sea
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there. The sea. The sea. And they go,
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"What now, Mr. Magic? What do we do now?
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What are we going to walk on the frags
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box with the frog's box?" Frog's backs.
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Thank you for watching me this far.
5:10
Obviously, I did inhale.
5:14
So,
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what do we do now, Mr. Big Shut? And he
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calls to God again. And the sea pots and
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even the most doubting Jew is going,
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you're good.
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Let's go, everybody. Come on, everybody.
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Let's move. Don't eat the shellfish.
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I'll tell you why later. Let's go.
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Where are we going? to Jerusalem to
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start years of struggle and later to
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Miami to [ __ ] up an election. Let's go.
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[Applause]
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And then the Pharaoh comes, but the sea
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closes and he calls to his cat like God,
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but his cat-like god can't do [ __ ] cuz
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he's afraid of water.
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And then there's another miracle.
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The night that Mary said to Joe, "Joe,
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I'm pregnant."
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And Joe went, "Holy mother of God." And
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she went, "You're right."
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Oh, Jesus Christ. What a great name,
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Joe. That is so much better than Way to
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go. I love you, Joe. Wait, hold on a
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minute, Mary. Hold on a minute. So, I'm
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the stepfather of God's kid. Yeah. So, I
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can't discipline him. I can't go,
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"You've done wrong." Cuz the kid will
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look at me and say, "You're not my real
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dad." What are you doing, Mary? How did
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it happen? Oh, it's immaculate, Joe. Oh,
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it better be, Mary.
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It better be immaculate. I'm sorry I'm
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transforming Joe into Ralph Craden.
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But it seemed to be kind of appropriate
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because up to that point all the names
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in the Bible are very Jewish. You have
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Noah, Moses, Zebedee, and then you get
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Mary and Joe.
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We are just a hyphenate away from Mary,
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Jean, and Joe Bob.
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We could have had Jim Bob the son of
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God.
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Praise to him, Jim Bob.
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He who finds a stuff and gets me a job.
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Jim Bob.
— end of transcript —
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