[00:00] because I don't understand the whole
[00:01] fundamentalist thing. You see, I'm I'm
[00:03] an Episcopal. That's Catholic light.
[00:07] It's kind of like same religion, half
[00:08] the guilt. It's frightening.
[00:11] You know, Catholics have confession.
[00:12] Episcopals have Thanksgiving. Your dad
[00:14] has a couple of gin and tonics.
[00:17] I ain't never loved your mother. You
[00:19] know that, don't you?
[00:21] No, I didn't, Dad. And she's right
[00:23] there. Tell her again
[00:26] because you have to realize the
[00:28] Episcopal is basically Church of England
[00:30] which was Henry VII breaking away from
[00:32] the Catholic Church going I'm the
[00:33] [ __ ] pope now. Haha.
[00:35] He broke away and then people broke away
[00:37] from that church. They were Calvinists.
[00:39] They found him to be too loose. And then
[00:42] they were the people who broke away from
[00:43] the Calvinist. They were the Puritans.
[00:44] Our ancestors. People so uptight the
[00:47] English kicked them out.
[00:49] How [ __ ] anal do you have to be for
[00:51] the English to go get the [ __ ] out?
[00:54] No. Take your pimp shoes and go.
[00:58] And they land here in America going,
[01:00] "Hello. We bring you guilt, civilis, and
[01:02] alcohol.
[01:04] I hope you don't mind. Here, chief. Try
[01:06] this. And once you drunk it, just keep
[01:08] moving till your feathers float. There
[01:09] you go." And the Indians go, "Oh, but we
[01:12] have a gift for you. For us, it's a
[01:14] sacred herb, but for you, it'll be an
[01:16] addictive carcinogen. I hope you enjoy
[01:17] it.
[01:18] Tobacco is a lot of fun
[01:21] and a good cash crop in
[01:28] [Applause]
[01:30] seven.
[01:33] Welcome to Custers, a casino that cares.
[01:37] This is my wife sits with a full house.
[01:40] It is now time for the white man to get
[01:42] drunk and we will get back the land you
[01:44] took from us. Thank you. Here's the
[01:47] thing. All those people, the Puritans,
[01:50] they stayed here and then their groups
[01:51] broke away from them. And then you get
[01:53] the people that really become severe and
[01:54] the people who knock on your door at
[01:56] 6:30 in the morning on Sunday going,
[01:57] "Have you found Jesus?"
[02:00] And you just want to come to the door
[02:01] nude and go, "No, help me look for him.
[02:03] Come on."
[02:05] Yeah.
[02:09] You get people like Pat Robertson and
[02:10] Jerry Fwell said, "This was brought upon
[02:12] us by our sinful ways. I want to put him
[02:14] on a plane, take him over to the
[02:15] Ayatollah, and have worldwide
[02:17] fundamentalist wrestling.
[02:19] One time only, a life after death match
[02:22] for all of our souls. Let's get ready to
[02:24] humble
[02:26] because here's the drill.
[02:28] Fundamentalists take it to be the word,
[02:30] not translatable, not metaphorical, the
[02:32] word. In the beginning, Genesis, let
[02:34] there be light. Could that be a metaphor
[02:35] for the Big Bang?
[02:36] >> No. God just went click.
[02:40] So, you're saying we're all descended
[02:42] from Adam and Eve, then we're all
[02:44] cousins. That's right.
[02:49] Here's the thing. There are miracles,
[02:51] though. There's miracles in the Bible,
[02:53] like when Moses, and I'm not talking
[02:55] guns in Moses. No, I'm not talking not
[02:57] Charlton H going, "Let the Jews go and
[02:59] the Pharaoh gets two in the head." No.
[03:02] Charlton H, a man who said, "Guns don't
[03:04] kill people. Apes with guns kill
[03:06] people."
[03:08] >> No, Chucky. No, second amendment. It
[03:10] started off it was muzzle loaders,
[03:12] people going like this, and this still
[03:13] continues. That's okay. But I'm talking
[03:16] about the time Moses said to Pharaoh,
[03:17] "Let my people go." And Pharaoh went,
[03:19] "In your dreams." And Moses called to
[03:22] God going, "God, they need some help."
[03:25] And frogs fell from the sky. Maybe they
[03:28] fell from the sky. Or maybe they were
[03:29] Jews with catapults going, "Now."
[03:33] And thank God it was the Egyptians and
[03:35] not the French cuz the French would go
[03:36] lunch. Okay. Why should we let you go?
[03:39] You great caterers. I can't let you go,
[03:41] you crazy people.
[03:44] But frogs fell from the sky. At that
[03:47] point, I'd be going, "Get your [ __ ] out.
[03:49] Frogs." I said, "Wait a minute. That's
[03:51] what we should do. That's what we should
[03:52] drop on Afghanistan. Not bombs, not
[03:54] food. [ __ ] frogs. Frogs, lizards,
[03:58] hamsters, gerbles, [ __ ] they haven't
[03:59] seen.
[04:01] And if you want to get people out of
[04:02] caves, a shitload of New York rats."
[04:06] Oh, baby. You know,
[04:10] New York rats would be going, "Hey, come
[04:11] on, spray.
[04:14] I eat [ __ ] literally bring it on."
[04:18] But that's what they dropped then. And
[04:19] even then, Pharaoh was not plus you. Oh,
[04:21] please. David Copperfield. No. And then
[04:23] boils and then firstborn dies. That's
[04:26] it. Hebrews get out. And everybody bes
[04:30] everybody. Hello. Let's not wait for the
[04:32] bread to rise. Just take the crackers
[04:34] and the skin off your penis. We're
[04:35] leaving. Excuse
[04:38] me. Why the skin off a penis? We're
[04:40] traveling people. You don't want sand in
[04:41] there. Let's go.
[04:44] And this is so pass the dicky thing.
[04:46] Forget it. Let's move. We're going
[04:48] through the desert. And then they get
[04:49] the ten commandments which be adjusted
[04:51] by certain presidents. That happens
[04:52] later. And they get to the red sea
[04:55] there. The sea. The sea. And they go,
[04:57] "What now, Mr. Magic? What do we do now?
[05:00] What are we going to walk on the frags
[05:01] box with the frog's box?" Frog's backs.
[05:05] Thank you for watching me this far.
[05:10] Obviously, I did inhale.
[05:14] So,
[05:15] what do we do now, Mr. Big Shut? And he
[05:19] calls to God again. And the sea pots and
[05:22] even the most doubting Jew is going,
[05:24] you're good.
[05:26] Let's go, everybody. Come on, everybody.
[05:27] Let's move. Don't eat the shellfish.
[05:29] I'll tell you why later. Let's go.
[05:33] Where are we going? to Jerusalem to
[05:35] start years of struggle and later to
[05:37] Miami to [ __ ] up an election. Let's go.
[05:40] [Applause]
[05:44] And then the Pharaoh comes, but the sea
[05:46] closes and he calls to his cat like God,
[05:48] but his cat-like god can't do [ __ ] cuz
[05:50] he's afraid of water.
[05:55] And then there's another miracle.
[05:58] The night that Mary said to Joe, "Joe,
[06:01] I'm pregnant."
[06:03] And Joe went, "Holy mother of God." And
[06:05] she went, "You're right."
[06:08] Oh, Jesus Christ. What a great name,
[06:11] Joe. That is so much better than Way to
[06:14] go. I love you, Joe. Wait, hold on a
[06:17] minute, Mary. Hold on a minute. So, I'm
[06:19] the stepfather of God's kid. Yeah. So, I
[06:21] can't discipline him. I can't go,
[06:22] "You've done wrong." Cuz the kid will
[06:23] look at me and say, "You're not my real
[06:24] dad." What are you doing, Mary? How did
[06:26] it happen? Oh, it's immaculate, Joe. Oh,
[06:29] it better be, Mary.
[06:31] It better be immaculate. I'm sorry I'm
[06:34] transforming Joe into Ralph Craden.
[06:38] But it seemed to be kind of appropriate
[06:41] because up to that point all the names
[06:43] in the Bible are very Jewish. You have
[06:44] Noah, Moses, Zebedee, and then you get
[06:47] Mary and Joe.
[06:49] We are just a hyphenate away from Mary,
[06:51] Jean, and Joe Bob.
[06:53] We could have had Jim Bob the son of
[06:55] God.
[06:57] Praise to him, Jim Bob.
[07:00] He who finds a stuff and gets me a job.
[07:03] Jim Bob.