because I don't understand the whole
fundamentalist thing. You see, I'm I'm
an Episcopal. That's Catholic light.
It's kind of like same religion, half
the guilt. It's frightening.
You know, Catholics have confession.
Episcopals have Thanksgiving. Your dad
has a couple of gin and tonics.
I ain't never loved your mother. You
know that, don't you?
No, I didn't, Dad. And she's right
there. Tell her again
because you have to realize the
Episcopal is basically Church of England
which was Henry VII breaking away from
the Catholic Church going I'm the
[ __ ] pope now. Haha.
He broke away and then people broke away
from that church. They were Calvinists.
They found him to be too loose. And then
they were the people who broke away from
the Calvinist. They were the Puritans.
Our ancestors. People so uptight the
English kicked them out.
How [ __ ] anal do you have to be for
the English to go get the [ __ ] out?
No. Take your pimp shoes and go.
And they land here in America going,
"Hello. We bring you guilt, civilis, and
alcohol.
I hope you don't mind. Here, chief. Try
this. And once you drunk it, just keep
moving till your feathers float. There
you go." And the Indians go, "Oh, but we
have a gift for you. For us, it's a
sacred herb, but for you, it'll be an
addictive carcinogen. I hope you enjoy
it.
Tobacco is a lot of fun
and a good cash crop in
[Applause]
seven.
Welcome to Custers, a casino that cares.
This is my wife sits with a full house.
It is now time for the white man to get
drunk and we will get back the land you
took from us. Thank you. Here's the
thing. All those people, the Puritans,
they stayed here and then their groups
broke away from them. And then you get
the people that really become severe and
the people who knock on your door at
6:30 in the morning on Sunday going,
"Have you found Jesus?"
And you just want to come to the door
nude and go, "No, help me look for him.
Come on."
Yeah.
You get people like Pat Robertson and
Jerry Fwell said, "This was brought upon
us by our sinful ways. I want to put him
on a plane, take him over to the
Ayatollah, and have worldwide
fundamentalist wrestling.
One time only, a life after death match
for all of our souls. Let's get ready to
humble
because here's the drill.
Fundamentalists take it to be the word,
not translatable, not metaphorical, the
word. In the beginning, Genesis, let
there be light. Could that be a metaphor
for the Big Bang?
>> No. God just went click.
So, you're saying we're all descended
from Adam and Eve, then we're all
cousins. That's right.
Here's the thing. There are miracles,
though. There's miracles in the Bible,
like when Moses, and I'm not talking
guns in Moses. No, I'm not talking not
Charlton H going, "Let the Jews go and
the Pharaoh gets two in the head." No.
Charlton H, a man who said, "Guns don't
kill people. Apes with guns kill
people."
>> No, Chucky. No, second amendment. It
started off it was muzzle loaders,
people going like this, and this still
continues. That's okay. But I'm talking
about the time Moses said to Pharaoh,
"Let my people go." And Pharaoh went,
"In your dreams." And Moses called to
God going, "God, they need some help."
And frogs fell from the sky. Maybe they
fell from the sky. Or maybe they were
Jews with catapults going, "Now."
And thank God it was the Egyptians and
not the French cuz the French would go
lunch. Okay. Why should we let you go?
You great caterers. I can't let you go,
you crazy people.
But frogs fell from the sky. At that
point, I'd be going, "Get your [ __ ] out.
Frogs." I said, "Wait a minute. That's
what we should do. That's what we should
drop on Afghanistan. Not bombs, not
food. [ __ ] frogs. Frogs, lizards,
hamsters, gerbles, [ __ ] they haven't
seen.
And if you want to get people out of
caves, a shitload of New York rats."
Oh, baby. You know,
New York rats would be going, "Hey, come
on, spray.
I eat [ __ ] literally bring it on."
But that's what they dropped then. And
even then, Pharaoh was not plus you. Oh,
please. David Copperfield. No. And then
boils and then firstborn dies. That's
it. Hebrews get out. And everybody bes
everybody. Hello. Let's not wait for the
bread to rise. Just take the crackers
and the skin off your penis. We're
leaving. Excuse
me. Why the skin off a penis? We're
traveling people. You don't want sand in
there. Let's go.
And this is so pass the dicky thing.
Forget it. Let's move. We're going
through the desert. And then they get
the ten commandments which be adjusted
by certain presidents. That happens
later. And they get to the red sea
there. The sea. The sea. And they go,
"What now, Mr. Magic? What do we do now?
What are we going to walk on the frags
box with the frog's box?" Frog's backs.
Thank you for watching me this far.
Obviously, I did inhale.
So,
what do we do now, Mr. Big Shut? And he
calls to God again. And the sea pots and
even the most doubting Jew is going,
you're good.
Let's go, everybody. Come on, everybody.
Let's move. Don't eat the shellfish.
I'll tell you why later. Let's go.
Where are we going? to Jerusalem to
start years of struggle and later to
Miami to [ __ ] up an election. Let's go.
[Applause]
And then the Pharaoh comes, but the sea
closes and he calls to his cat like God,
but his cat-like god can't do [ __ ] cuz
he's afraid of water.
And then there's another miracle.
The night that Mary said to Joe, "Joe,
I'm pregnant."
And Joe went, "Holy mother of God." And
she went, "You're right."
Oh, Jesus Christ. What a great name,
Joe. That is so much better than Way to
go. I love you, Joe. Wait, hold on a
minute, Mary. Hold on a minute. So, I'm
the stepfather of God's kid. Yeah. So, I
can't discipline him. I can't go,
"You've done wrong." Cuz the kid will
look at me and say, "You're not my real
dad." What are you doing, Mary? How did
it happen? Oh, it's immaculate, Joe. Oh,
it better be, Mary.
It better be immaculate. I'm sorry I'm
transforming Joe into Ralph Craden.
But it seemed to be kind of appropriate
because up to that point all the names
in the Bible are very Jewish. You have
Noah, Moses, Zebedee, and then you get
Mary and Joe.
We are just a hyphenate away from Mary,
Jean, and Joe Bob.
We could have had Jim Bob the son of
God.
Praise to him, Jim Bob.
He who finds a stuff and gets me a job.
Jim Bob.