WEBVTT

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because I don't understand the whole

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fundamentalist thing. You see, I'm I'm

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an Episcopal. That's Catholic light.

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It's kind of like same religion, half

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the guilt. It's frightening.

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You know, Catholics have confession.

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Episcopals have Thanksgiving. Your dad

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has a couple of gin and tonics.

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I ain't never loved your mother. You

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know that, don't you?

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No, I didn't, Dad. And she's right

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there. Tell her again

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because you have to realize the

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Episcopal is basically Church of England

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which was Henry VII breaking away from

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the Catholic Church going I'm the

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[ __ ] pope now. Haha.

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He broke away and then people broke away

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from that church. They were Calvinists.

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They found him to be too loose. And then

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they were the people who broke away from

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the Calvinist. They were the Puritans.

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Our ancestors. People so uptight the

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English kicked them out.

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How [ __ ] anal do you have to be for

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the English to go get the [ __ ] out?

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No. Take your pimp shoes and go.

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And they land here in America going,

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"Hello. We bring you guilt, civilis, and

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alcohol.

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I hope you don't mind. Here, chief. Try

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this. And once you drunk it, just keep

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moving till your feathers float. There

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you go." And the Indians go, "Oh, but we

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have a gift for you. For us, it's a

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sacred herb, but for you, it'll be an

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addictive carcinogen. I hope you enjoy

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it.

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Tobacco is a lot of fun

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and a good cash crop in

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[Applause]

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seven.

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Welcome to Custers, a casino that cares.

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This is my wife sits with a full house.

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It is now time for the white man to get

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drunk and we will get back the land you

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took from us. Thank you. Here's the

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thing. All those people, the Puritans,

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they stayed here and then their groups

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broke away from them. And then you get

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the people that really become severe and

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the people who knock on your door at

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6:30 in the morning on Sunday going,

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"Have you found Jesus?"

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And you just want to come to the door

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nude and go, "No, help me look for him.

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Come on."

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Yeah.

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You get people like Pat Robertson and

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Jerry Fwell said, "This was brought upon

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us by our sinful ways. I want to put him

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on a plane, take him over to the

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Ayatollah, and have worldwide

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fundamentalist wrestling.

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One time only, a life after death match

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for all of our souls. Let's get ready to

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humble

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because here's the drill.

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Fundamentalists take it to be the word,

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not translatable, not metaphorical, the

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word. In the beginning, Genesis, let

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there be light. Could that be a metaphor

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for the Big Bang?

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>> No. God just went click.

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So, you're saying we're all descended

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from Adam and Eve, then we're all

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cousins. That's right.

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Here's the thing. There are miracles,

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though. There's miracles in the Bible,

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like when Moses, and I'm not talking

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guns in Moses. No, I'm not talking not

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Charlton H going, "Let the Jews go and

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the Pharaoh gets two in the head." No.

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Charlton H, a man who said, "Guns don't

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kill people. Apes with guns kill

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people."

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>> No, Chucky. No, second amendment. It

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started off it was muzzle loaders,

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people going like this, and this still

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continues. That's okay. But I'm talking

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about the time Moses said to Pharaoh,

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"Let my people go." And Pharaoh went,

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"In your dreams." And Moses called to

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God going, "God, they need some help."

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And frogs fell from the sky. Maybe they

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fell from the sky. Or maybe they were

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Jews with catapults going, "Now."

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And thank God it was the Egyptians and

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not the French cuz the French would go

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lunch. Okay. Why should we let you go?

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You great caterers. I can't let you go,

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you crazy people.

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But frogs fell from the sky. At that

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point, I'd be going, "Get your [ __ ] out.

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Frogs." I said, "Wait a minute. That's

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what we should do. That's what we should

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drop on Afghanistan. Not bombs, not

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food. [ __ ] frogs. Frogs, lizards,

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hamsters, gerbles, [ __ ] they haven't

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seen.

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And if you want to get people out of

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caves, a shitload of New York rats."

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Oh, baby. You know,

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New York rats would be going, "Hey, come

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on, spray.

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I eat [ __ ] literally bring it on."

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But that's what they dropped then. And

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even then, Pharaoh was not plus you. Oh,

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please. David Copperfield. No. And then

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boils and then firstborn dies. That's

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it. Hebrews get out. And everybody bes

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everybody. Hello. Let's not wait for the

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bread to rise. Just take the crackers

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and the skin off your penis. We're

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leaving. Excuse

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me. Why the skin off a penis? We're

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traveling people. You don't want sand in

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there. Let's go.

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And this is so pass the dicky thing.

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Forget it. Let's move. We're going

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through the desert. And then they get

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the ten commandments which be adjusted

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by certain presidents. That happens

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later. And they get to the red sea

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there. The sea. The sea. And they go,

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"What now, Mr. Magic? What do we do now?

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What are we going to walk on the frags

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box with the frog's box?" Frog's backs.

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Thank you for watching me this far.

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Obviously, I did inhale.

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So,

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what do we do now, Mr. Big Shut? And he

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calls to God again. And the sea pots and

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even the most doubting Jew is going,

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you're good.

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Let's go, everybody. Come on, everybody.

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Let's move. Don't eat the shellfish.

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I'll tell you why later. Let's go.

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Where are we going? to Jerusalem to

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start years of struggle and later to

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Miami to [ __ ] up an election. Let's go.

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[Applause]

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And then the Pharaoh comes, but the sea

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closes and he calls to his cat like God,

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but his cat-like god can't do [ __ ] cuz

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he's afraid of water.

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And then there's another miracle.

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The night that Mary said to Joe, "Joe,

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I'm pregnant."

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And Joe went, "Holy mother of God." And

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she went, "You're right."

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Oh, Jesus Christ. What a great name,

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Joe. That is so much better than Way to

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go. I love you, Joe. Wait, hold on a

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minute, Mary. Hold on a minute. So, I'm

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the stepfather of God's kid. Yeah. So, I

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can't discipline him. I can't go,

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"You've done wrong." Cuz the kid will

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look at me and say, "You're not my real

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dad." What are you doing, Mary? How did

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it happen? Oh, it's immaculate, Joe. Oh,

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it better be, Mary.

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It better be immaculate. I'm sorry I'm

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transforming Joe into Ralph Craden.

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But it seemed to be kind of appropriate

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because up to that point all the names

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in the Bible are very Jewish. You have

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Noah, Moses, Zebedee, and then you get

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Mary and Joe.

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We are just a hyphenate away from Mary,

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Jean, and Joe Bob.

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We could have had Jim Bob the son of

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God.

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Praise to him, Jim Bob.

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He who finds a stuff and gets me a job.

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Jim Bob.